President Evan (center), Vice President Jack (right), Speaker Of The Ho’s Ken (left)

“Mr. Web browser, The Presdient Of The…blog…thingy.”

“My fellow readers. It’s hard to believe that after five years of loyal service, you all continue to elect me leader of this website. I might not have any competition, but the unanimous victories still mean a lot to me. Think about it…five years. What were you doing five years ago? Do you want to know what I was doing five years ago? I’ll tell you, because this is my introductory paragraph and I’m not sure what else I can say to greet you tonight. Five years ago I was getting really high and playing MVP Baseball for Nintendo GameCube. Between that, playing guitar, and going to class once or twice a week, my days were beginning to feel like a most torturous, pathetic routine. That’s when I decided to start a blog. And though my thumbs were caloused from video game controllers, and my head filled with dead brain cells, I started writing. This ingenious decision of mine is why we’re gathered here today. We’re also here to masturbate my ego, but mostly we’re here to celebrate five years of annoying rants peppered with the occasional intelligent thought. Last year I stood before you and promised to reach new lows for Internet-based journalism. I promised 2009 would be the start of something really, really big. In some ways, I was right. In some other, more accurate ways, I was wrong.”

[standing ovation]

“Last year Swan Fungus was visited roughly 800 times per day. Over the past 365 days, that number has swelled to 1,029 per day. That might not seem like a lot, but when you take into account the fact that I’m not really doing or saying anything, that number begins to sound frighteningly large. Over 250,000 people visited this page since the last State Of The Blog Address. That’s higher than the population of Nassau, the largest city of the Bahamas. The Swan Fungus Alexa ranking has improved from 614,397 up to 562,848. That means I’m almost one of the half-million most visited websites on the entire Internet. Within the United States, Swan Fungus is the 367,480th most-visited website. The Quantcast rating improved from 269,279 to 194,493. That’s right, I have obliterated both of the targets I specified last March: womenintrucking.org and robertrandolph.net. Within the next 365 days I expect to overtake both kickassbbq.com and itzablackthang.com! Technorati, which last year showed Swan Fungus cracking the top 100,000 blogs in the world, has been very kind to us this year. We currently rank 27,454! By next year we will absolutely crack the top 15,000.

“Don’t you even begin to question whether or not Swan Fungus is still relevant. Swan Fungus blog posts are still being syndicated by large news organizations across the country. I don’t quite understand why, but just last week The Chicago Sun Times shared my RENT review with their online audience. Honestly? Your guess is as good as mine. Referral traffic from both Facebook and Twitter increased exponentially this year. When the hottest social networking websites in existence are contributing to the expansion of the Swan Fungus empire, it’s hard to deny the state of our blog.”

[standing ovation]

“Last year I made some big promises. I swore to continue Treasures From The Collectors Slum, and by doing so I’ve helped provide some incredibly rare, hard to find music to you. Friday Top Ten lists have not died, though they’re not as funny anymore. Interviews were conducted with Rebekah Weikel (Penny-Ante), Barbra Ann McMillan (Anna Black), Jose “Pepe” Gomez (Chango), Bob L. Sturm, Christopher Mosley (Early Lines/Nouns Group), William Fowler Collins, MassDIPPAH and Paul Levinson. Guest Writers in 2009 included my girlfriend, Jet, kT Evans, Z, Marika, “Burrito Esquire”, and Jon! 2010 will bring even more new perspectives to the blog, as I search for more guest writers to share their opinions with my readers.

“2010 is going to be crazier than you could possibly imagine. There will be more Interviews with bigger names. Weekly Polls and contests will reward registered Swan Fungus readers with cool prizes. I will fuck Gail Simmons in the ass. I swear to God, I will fuck her in her ass. LOST ends in May, so anticipate regular reviews to continue until that time. There will be much more bile heaved upon those disgusting “indie” icons the mainstream so adores. Big, big travel plans are slowly forming. Hell, there could very well be a first ever Swan Fungus social gathering this year. Most of all, you can anticipate many new antics that should enable Swan Fungus to ascend to the next level of online popularity. 2010 is going to be the best and brightest year yet. I have no doubts about that. The State Of The Blog is strong my friends. Do not worry, the end of the blog will not come. As long as I’m poor and as long as I’m still breathing, I will do my best to make you laugh or cry or cringe. Also, I need to find a way to make this thing profitable.

“Lastly, I want to thank Seth Zirin, Stephen Carter and Louise Altmann for your generous donations this year. And to everybody who supports this website by commenting, e-mailing me or stalking me on Facebook, thank you so much for your kindness and your hatred. You are why I still try to post every day. I mean, if I didn’t post every day I think my neuroses and lewd thoughts might drive me insane or lead to some kind of criminal action. Sometimes it feels like our country and our world are on the brink of complete collapse, be it from social forces, natural disasters, or whatever. If I can take your mind off being in the shit for a few minutes and present you with something that’s funny and horrifying, it helps me feel accomplished and important. No matter what is happening in your life, you can count on me to lead you into a fiery horrible abyss. You will follow me, genitals in hand, because you have nothing better to do. I love you all and I promise not to disappoint in 2010. Once again I must repeat: the state of the blog is strong! Stay tuned.”

Feel free to leave any comments about tonight’s address or predictions for 2010 below, in what I’m temporarily calling “Spin Alley.”

Technorati Tags: Alexa, Google Analytics, Internet, Quantcast, state of the blog, State Of The Union, Swan Fungus, Technorati

Just a few tunes to whet your appetite before the big State Of The Blog Address, which will go live at 23:59 PST this evening. Enjoy these songs, I’ll be back in a few hours to give my speech.

RULES for uninitiated noobs: With roughly 100MB of webspace, I give birth to a weekly Mix Tape to be deposited on your iPods or Zunes or Kingklangs or whatever the industry is currently pushing on you. Sometimes there will be themes that link all the songs together, other times I’ll just throw songs at a wall (not literally) and see what sticks. I can’t get in depth about who each artist is and why I chose these songs, because I have to put my suit on in preparation of my speaking engagement in an hour. The goal of this endeavor, as always, is to pique your interest in these artists so you’ll support the artists and buy their albums.

Sunday Mix Tape – Number 178
The One Before The State Of The Blog Address

Tracklist:
01. Michael Fitzgerald – Brand New Day
02. Chris Bell – Better Save Yourself
03. Up-Tight – I’m Just A Dreamer
04. Link Wray – Jailhouse Rock
05. Elliott Smith – The Last Hour
06. Woodsman – Shutterlag
07. Grey Daturas – My Sciatica
08. Sunburned Hand Of The Man – Action Figure
09. Black To Comm – Void
10. Nightshadow – I Can’t Believe
11. Susan Christie – No One Can Hear You Cry
12. Rudimentary Peni – Blissful Myth
13. Erdenklang – Erdung
14. Red Sparrows – Millions Starved Became Skinnier And Skinnier While Our Leaders Became Fatter And Fatter
15. Agalloch – Falling Snow

Technorati Tags: Agalloch, Chris Bell, Download, Elliott Smith, Link Wray, MP3, Rudimentary Peni, sunday mix tape, Susan Christie

Has it already been over a month since I shared Jerry Solomon’s lost cult-classic Past The 20th Century? Well, the fine folks over at Imaginary Landscape have blown my mind now for a second time by sharing yet another Solomon album. This one is 1973’s Through The Woods. I’m not sure if this one was already released on the private label Fountain Records, but then again I’ve yet to see a single mention of the album online that ties it to any record label. So, who knows!?

This one opens with a long drone, one of three such tracks titled “Creation.” The songs on this album do not feature the plinky little toy piano and one note guitar, but solo voice with a sustained accordion or mellotron. There is the occasional strummed guitar and distant backing vocal, but for the most part it’s drone, Thorazine, and space. Whereas Past The 20th Century found Solomon pining for days of yore and a return to more peaceful, conservative times, Through The Woods is the sound of a man who might be losing his grip on reality. It’s hard to tell when he is speaking English and when he is babbling nonsense syllables. There is a creepiness to these songs, an unsettling sense of emotional pain that cannot be described accurately in words. It is dark, and it is mad. I would love more than anything to know what happened to Jerry between 1971 and 1973 that led to the recording of this album. I would love to find out what it all means. I am stunned and intrigued and scared at the same time. I guess that’s what makes treasures like Through The Woods so wonderful. The reality and the harshness and the inspiration here is way more evocative and compelling than anything new I’ve heard in ages.

The recording quality is not great, but then again I dare you to even find a Jerry Solomon record.

Jerry Solomon
Through The Woods
MediaFire Download Link

Tracklist:
01. Creation I
02. There Is A Light Just Over The Hilltop
03. Through The Woods
04. Teen Love
05. Creation II
06. Creation III
07. Mi a Elttil Yob
08. Lady
09. Oh
10. Once Upon A Time

Technorati Tags: Download, Jerry Solomon, MP3, Past the 20th Century, Through The Woods

Wednesday was the official 5th birthday of Swan Fungus. The celebration and State Of The Blog address will occur on Sunday, March 14th. We’ll all congregate right here, in cyberspace, for cupcakes and soda. Maybe at like 8pm PST? Sorry East Coasters, most of my audience is here on this coast now. Don’t worry, we’ll roofie your drinks to help you feel more intoxicated faster, that way you can go to bed early and still feel like you partied your ass off with the rest of us.

So, yeah. Some of you have been reading this website for five years now. You might be aware of my top ten lists. I write a new one pretty much every Friday. I’ve been doing this pretty much since the week I started blogging. I think the first one was called “The Ten Steps For Bedding A Hilton Sister.” The most recent list was called “The Top Ten Theme Party Ideas.” I’ve come a long way since 2005, and now I’m getting to the point where it’s a challenge to think of a funny list on my own. Thankfully, Jack sent me an off-the-cuff e-mail this week pointing me to a bunch of related-but-unrelated blogs, and it seemed like great fodder for a top ten list. If you don’t like this week’s installment, blame Jack.

The Top Ten Levines Who Blog

My name is Evan LeVine. These people spell our last name Levine because they are not as refined as I. They are but serfs, and I am their lord. That is why my ancestors chose to arbitrarily capitalize a consonant in the middle of our surname. It was more…regal. Still, I feel some sense of kinship with those unattractive, pitiful Levines running around the Internet trying to make a name for themselves. Especially the Jew-for-Jesus musician with whom I share a name (Google it, you’ll see what I mean). Here’s my attempt at understanding the puny minds of ten other people who share a variation of my family name and who also blog.

10. Jenny Levine – “The Shifted Librarian” – I don’t understand how this is a blog. I see a lot of Twitter feeds and blog posts by people who aren’t even named Levine. Is this someone’s idea of a cybernetic various artist compilation consisting of blog posts by random strangers? I want to read the thoughts of Jenny Levine, not the collected thoughts of some people she discovered on the Internet. This is a bad, bad idea for a website. It’s dumb, it’s impossible for me to nagivate, and what’s more — I don’t even care enough to try and learn how. Boo to you, Miss Jenny. Boo!

09. Peter Levine – “Peter Levine” – Do not — I repeat, DO NOT — cast aspersions on this fellow just because his header image screams “Gay History Professor”. Peter Levine is none of those things. In fact, if you read this published author’s website, you will learn that he not only cares about politics but also literature. This doesn’t sound to me like someone who wants to kick ass and call preening indie rockers “fags.” This sounds like someone who wants to fix the schools. Peter Levine, you’re dead to me.

08. Steve LeVine – “The Oil And The Glory” – Theoretically I should love this guy. He spells his name just like I do. Except for the fact that his first name is spelled S-t-e-v-e and mine is spelled E-v-a-n. Instead, I kind of hate him. His most recent blog post is a book review about a KGB book about poisonings and assassinations. First of all, who the hell cares about the KGB in 2010? Aren’t they about as relevant as Oasis is in this modern era? I don’t know, I skimmed a few other posts and it looks like all this guy does is copy news stories from other sources and then write his own abstracts before copying and pasting the full text into his blog. Isn’t that cheating? I mean, I do that once or twice a week with my album downloads but whether or not I explicitly write something about how cool the album is, or if someone else does it, that’s not going to be the difference between your choosing to download it or not. You’re going to download it because it’s free and it’s right here. You could care less what I have to say about an album. So why should I bother putting in the effort. Wait a minute, maybe I have more in common with Steve LeVine than I thought!

07. Ken Levine – “By Ken Levine” – Anyone who still uses Blogger is kind of a loser. Especially in light of the sweeping reform that targeted music bloggers in recent months. Blogger deleted entire accounts due to copyright infringement that wasn’t actually infringement. The blogs were simply posting materials they were offered by labels and PR firms. If you choose to use Blogger as your blog hosting service, you’re basically saying you don’t care about basic human rights as they related to disseminating information and intellectual property on the Internet. I mean — is there a more obvious, easy to understand concept than  what constitutes a blogger being guilty of copyright infringement? The answer is “No.” None of us are guilty, we’re offering free promotion and creating potential revenue streams that wouldn’t otherwise exist. Ken Levine blogs about shitty television shows.

06. Shira Levine – “Blog Posts By Shira Levine” – When I hear the name Shira Levine the image that comes to mind is that of an olive-skinned, raven haired, filthy cum-slut with a barely-too-big nose and long, expensive fake nails. I guess I’m thinking of a girl I might have gone to high school with who wouldn’t give me a blow job in the woods adjacent to school property. I could care less about how she blogs, I’d rather sit here and curse all the dumb Jewish girls I went to high school with that wouldn’t suck my dick. If you must know, her blog consists of little blurbs about pop culture stuff. Typical shit only a self-absorbed Jewish girl would find interesting.

05. Alan Levine – “Alan Levine’s space for barking about and playing with technology” – Alan’s already done a fine job of explaining exactly what his website is, so I don’t feel I have to expand further. Could you imagine if I called Swan Fungus “Evan LeVine’s space for barking about stupid indie rockers, LOST, embarrassing dating stories, baseball, beer, how much I hate Bono, stupid record nerd fetishes, concerts, travel stories, annoying letters to multi-national corporations, world news and fancy foods”? I would expect you all to beat the shit out of me for being such a dork. The only thing I’ll say about Alan’s website is that as a first time visitor I wondered whether or not Alan was a dog, or if he was trying to write from the perspective of a dog. I really don’t get the dog imagery.

04. Leslie Levine – “Leslie Levine | Business solutions from AllBusiness.com” – Uh, last I checked, “women” and “business” went together like “Africans” and “voting”. It’s just un-American. Oh well, for the sake of being not sexist I’ll state that Leslie is a fine blogger and probably a very professional lady. I bet she wears a lot of pant suits and shoulder pads. She probably chain smokes and wears bad perfume. She uses a lot of hair spray. I’d eat shit if she drives a Toyota. Leslie strikes as more of a BMW or Benz lady. She’s also probably a dyke. Aren’t all female businessmen dykes?

03. Judith Levine – “Judith’s Blog | Judith Levine | What’s New” – I’m not really sure you can call this a blog. Her most recent entry just says, “Martha Coakley is a leading light among sex-crimes witch-hunters. Why do her liberal supporters keep this record under wraps?” I’m thinking about making tomorrow’s blog post read, “Judith Levine is a female blogger writing very short blog posts. What is she hiding by not responding to allegations that as a liberal feminist she may have raped and murdered a guy in 1990?”

02. Becky Levine – “Becky Levine” – Okay, I don’t know this bitch writes about, but I’m starting to think that maybe she’s the most popular Levine on the Internet because her posts elicit far more comments than mine do. Maybe I’m not being honest enough about how much I hate things and people. That’s the only way I can think of to make more people leave comments. Surely they won’t flock to this website if I write meaningful and insightful posts. Just like “Field of Dreams,” my motto has always been, “If you slag on it, they will come.”

01. Irine Levine – “The Friendship Blog” – I’m not really sure what the point of Irine’s blog is. I mean, she describes it as a place to “[explore] the nature, meaning, and depth of female friendships,” but it seems so much more painful to read than that. So much so, I’d rather not even begin to read an entry. I’ll let you do that. Also, it’s getting really late and I have things to do in the morning. I have a life you know. No, really…I swear. I have a life. WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT EACH OTHER LIKE THAT!? I’M TELLING THE TRUTH!

Technorati Tags: Bloggers, Levine, Top Ten List

It took over two years, but I finally got a meal at LA’s infamous Osteria Mozza tonight. It took my mom coming to town and footing the bill (thanks, ma!), and it was everything I had hoped it would be. By far the single best meal I’ve consumed since moving to the west coast, I cannot sing more praise than what I am about to bestow upon this joint. Before I begin, I should just state that the one negative aspect of the meal was our waiter. I don’t know if his apparent smugness/rudeness was a byproduct of how he was raised, or if it was as simple as him not liking my mother, Nicci and myself, but jeez, what a fucking asshole that guy was. He was attentive enough, answered some questions and even went above the call of duty to ensure we could enjoy a non-menu item, but his attitude exuded a sense of…”Oh, look at these poor people who scrounged together enough money to dine here tonight.” Not cool, dude. Even if we really are poor people who scrounged together enough money to dine there tonight.

We were informed by our waiter upon being prodded for our order that the mozzarella tasting menu (listed on the website as a daily item) was not available this evening. I asked if he then had any suggestions if we were to order two mozzarella choices a la carte, and he said he would ask the kitchen if they could make an exception and prepare the tasting plate for us. When he returned to say that they would construct a plate for us, we decided to order.

I’m sure you are aware that most Italian restaurants build their menu around a first and second plate. The first plate is typically pasta based, and the second meat based. Never having eaten at Mozza before, my mother, Nicci and I decided that we would each order one pasta plate, and then the three of us would share two meat plates. Since we are not big on eating dessert, we figured small portions or not we would be full with that amount of food. This turned out to be exactly the right choice.

At the outset of our meal we were presented with a complimentary amuse-bouche. It was a light crustini topped with mozzarella and a hint of tapenade. It made for a yummy first bite.

The mozzarella tasting plate consisted of three cheeses: smoked bufala, bufala mozzarella, and burrata. It was served with three thick slice of delicious garlic bread. Mom proclaimed it the best she’s ever had, but both Nicci and I hinted that maybe she should go to the Gilroy Garlic Festival before making such a bold claim. The smoked bufala was worst of the three cheeses, but I still enjoyed it a little. The regular bufala was fantastic (Nicci preferred this one), but the burrata — served over a very light olive oil — seemed to be the clear winner of the three, as both mom and I called it the best of the lot.

Our first plates went as follows. Nicci ordered the Coach Farm Goat Cheese ravioli with five lilies (onions). It was delicious. It was sauteed with onions, leeks, butter and garlic. Very rich and tasty. Mom ordered gnocchi with duck ragu. This was the first item of the night that blew my mind. The duck was so amazing, and the gnocchi were near-perfect. It’s hard to tell if these were better than those of Angeli Cafe, but the ragu catapulted that dish into another stratosphere. I was more than happy to oblige my mom and finish what was on her plate when she claimed she was done eating. I ordered the calf brain ravioli. I’ve been reading about the dish for about as long as I’ve been hearing about Mozza, so I had to take the plunge and try it. My first impression was that the ravioli just tasted like a warm, butter-filled pasta. The brains really only add a hint of texture, a notion of something creamy and wonderful, but not much in the way of distinct flavor. Mom was more than hesitant to try it, but I forced her to eat one just so that I can pat her on the back and say, “See, you tried something new today!” Which is a statement I’ve been hearing from her for the past 26 years.

How the hell could this meal get any better? Our second plates arrived at the exact right time — not too soon after the first plates — and answered my question definitively with one simple word: Meat. We all started in on the grilled leg of lamb with fregola sarda, mint and yogurt. The lamb was a little more cooked than the medium rare the waiter promised, but when combined with the other elements on the plate it transformed itself into something unique and wonderful. Even so, it could not top the veal breast stracotto with carrots. I would be hard-pressed to remember ever tasting a more tender, succulent, amazing meat in my life. Holy shit, it was indescribable. We ordered two side dishes to share with our second plates. Polenta with parmigiano reggiano and sauteed baby broccoli with chilies and vinegar. The broccoli, brimming with garlic and acidity, was revered by everyone at the table.

As someone who has loved Italian food longer than anything else I’ve eaten (save maybe hamburgers), to find a meal so exquisite, distinct and exciting as the one offered by Osteria Mozza was a treat. I mean, yeah, for the first 25 years of my life my idea of haute Italian cuisine was a pizza with something other than extra cheese on it, or a new variety of pasta with the same old vodka bolognese or alfredo sauce. So I guess I’m not the most well-versed gourmand in the history of food critique. Still, I seem to have developed what some novice gourmands might call a “palate” sometime in the last year or two, and it’s nice to know that I am putting it to good use now. Of course I’ll always miss the days when literally all I consumed were bagels, pizza and hamburgers…but come on, I ate fucking calf brains tonight, then called a braised, slow-cooked veal breast the best piece of meat I’ve ever consumed. That has to count for something, right?

Thanks Mozza. Next up, your pizza!

Technorati Tags: Calf Brain Ravioli, Gnocchi Duck Ragu, Goat Cheese Ravioli, Grilled Leg Of Lamb, Osteria Mozza, Veal Breast Stracotto

Many spoilers ahead. If you have not watched all of LOST include last night’s episode, “Dr. Linus,” you should move along. There’s nothing to see here.

Mr. Doc Jensen is now of the belief that the divergent moment that separates Sideways Flashes from Flashbacks was when John Locke’s mother Emily was struck by a car, causing her to go into labor prematurely. This, of course, stands in opposition to the commonly held belief that the detonation of Jughead is what spurred the alternate reality (or whatever you want to call it) we are currently experiencing. It’s a nice little idea, but he’s got it all wrong. I’m sure at some point (soon, hopefully) we will learn what exactly sank the island. But it won’t matter, because I still believe the flashbacks never happened. My friend Shane’s “Groundhog Day” analogy makes it easier to digest than anything I’ve written in the past few weeks (Jacob + MIB = Bill Murray trying to manifest their own ideal day). It’s not the hardest thing in the world for the show’s producers to explain how none of it could be true. For instance, what if they show us Jacob or MIB in the Sideways flashes touching the castaways? Wouldn’t that go beyond implying that this is just another iteration in a long line of directional-flashes in which an eons-old struggle to make their own desired universe is portrayed? Wouldn’t it put the sideways and backwards flashes on equal footing in that they were both realities dictated by the actions of the island entities? I think so…

By the way, if you want to construct the greatest mind-fuck ever, think about this. What if the last thing we see on LOST is another plane breaking apart over the island and, uh, the castaways are all on it again? You know, after MIB/Locke and Jack reiterate the MIB/Jacob beach conversation verbatim (probably while Ben Linus is at the temple performing Richard or Dogen’s old duties). Instead of seeing the Black Rock in the distance, we see a plane approaching overhead. An Oceanic plane. And in terrible CGI fashion (like the submarine cutaways and the quick jaunt around the sunken island) we zoom in on it. And then we go through the windshield and see Lapidus at the helm, and proceed to zip by Boone and Shannon in First Class, right on through to the back of the plane. We see all the castaways. Wouldn’t that too solidify this notion that everything we’ve seen and learned about these characters is but one iteration in an endless cycle which has played out numerous times before? That would kill the shit out of flashbacks, too.

But, I digress, I guess now I’ll write about something else for a change.

Including Vozzek69, I’ve now read THREE instances citing William Atherton (Principal Reynolds) as being an educator in Real Genius who played a similar role to his character on LOST last night. I’m kind of enraged that neither Doc Jensen nor Vozzek took the time to mention the fact that fucking Jon Gries (aka Roger Linus) is also in Real Genius! What a cool piece of LOST trivia that is! Real Genius was the original Smokin’ Aces! Likewise, both Vozzek and Jensen namedrop Michael, Locke and Jack as three other characters who have tried unsuccessfully to commit suicide after being touched by Jacob. Michael is a natural guess, since he was shown multiple times trying to off himself without proof he was touched by Jacob. Neither writer referenced Hurley’s potential leap off a cliff in the season two episode “Dave” as an instance in which “Don’t Do Suicide” came into play. At the end of that episode, Libby appears just in time to keep Hurley from jumping to his death. Is this evidence that maybe Hurley was touched by Jacob earlier in his life, and he too is invincible (against his own hand)? I think I’ve written before that after “Lighthouse” it wouldn’t surprise me if we learn Jacob had visited and touched the castaways at multiple crucial moments in their lives. Why else would he be watching them all their lives?

Two more points. First, we got to see Widmore returning to the island. He told John Locke “A war is coming,” and if Locke is not back on the island, “the wrong side is going to win.” I guess we are to assume that Widmore’s periscope is searching for Locke along the shores of the island. Widmore’s appearance raises a ton of questions. First, does he know that Locke is not Locke? If not, will he blindly (and mistakenly) side with the Man In Black? Perhaps more importantly, was Widmore the person Jacob hinted was coming to the island? Whatever the answers are, they shed a newly cryptic light on that conversation at the hospital in Tunisia. My guess is Widmore will side with Locke, because…well…at some point in the near future we have to see Ben kill Widmore, right? Oh man, that’s going to be awesome. Maybe during the same episode Kate kills Claire. Two awesome redemption stories with happy endings? That doesn’t seem very LOST-like.

Lastly, is there a doubt in anyone’s mind now that Jack will be the last candidate standing, and that he will inevitably take over Jacob’s role as island caretaker? When I spoke with smartypants professor and LOST enthusiast Paul Levinson back in October, we discussed our theories about the show’s inevitable conclusion. He suggested that we would see three courses of action for the main characters on the show. Some would die, some would leave the island of their own will, and some would stay. At this point, I don’t think anyone is leaving the island alive (sorry Aaron, sorry little Korean baby whose name I forget). I think there are only two ways off this show: death, and eternity on the island. The way the sides are drawn now, I can realistically see only three people surviving the war. Jack, Hurley and Ben. In fact, it would not surprise me if every other character was killed off in the war. I don’t count Locke/MIB as a potential survivor because he’s already dead. Come to think of it, I could see Ben and Hurley dying, too. Imagine Hurley getting shot — by Sawyer — on the beach during the epic battle. We see him touch his wound, then he studies his bloody hand and says, “Dude” before dropping to the sand like a huge bag of cement. Best TV show death ever? I think so.

Jack and MIB will be the last entities standing. Just like they always have been. You know, like Adam and Eve or something. Only in reality it’s Adam and…Steve? Ha! Anyway, feel free to re-read paragraph two to hear my current theory for how it all will end.

Okay, that’s all for now. See you next week!

Technorati Tags: Dr. Linus, lost, Season 6, Theories, TV

I haven’t posted one of these in what seems like (and most likely has been!) years. I take a few minutes to poke around some music blogs and Dickfork, then make fun of all the silly musicians your little brother can’t stop talking about for five fucking minutes for the love of God. After all, someone has to keep those damned egos in check. If no one else wants to make fun of those Vampire Weekend fags in their sweaters and scarfs, I’ll do it. I’ll write it in Entertainment Weekly celebrity-gossip-section fashion, too.

• When we last left “America’s Sweetheart” Billy Corgan, he was photographed leaving someplace or another with Jessica Simpson. Now he’s featured in an article in this month’s Rolling Stone (the one with the snowboard guy on the cover). I read the article on my lunch break today, and let me say — I haven’t laughed that hard since that rebellious young turk (read: dongless dork) from the Arcade Fire smashed his guitar to piece (no, that’s not a typo, that wimp couldn’t damage a guitar even if someone else broke it for him first) on Saturday Night Live. In his RS profile, Corgan whines about how he isn’t as beloved as he should be, berates blogs for making fun of him when he’s clearly the most talented songwriter of any generation ever, blames everyone he’s ever worked with for ruining his musical career, pleads for attention by discussing suicide, boasts that he could write hit songs and recapture his glory at any time if he wanted, cries more about how his credibility is shattered, and finally wonders if maybe his records would sell better if he died. It’s too good for words. That’s why I’ve devoted this many to it already. I thought about ripping out the article and tucking it away somewhere for the next time a great tragedy befalls me (death of a loved one, destroyed friendship or relationship, etc.). Then I realized that Billy Corgan isn’t just the funny trainwreck you think about during really tough times, he’s the cocaine you need lots of little bumps of to keep you feeling endlessly peppy and elated.

• In the very same issue of Rolling Stone, Bob Nastanovich of the once-relevant band Pavement was quoted as saying something like, “I don’t think I’m capable of getting a girlfriend unless she’s a Pavement fan.” I find this statement ironic because most of Nastanovich’s fans are dudes who can’t get girlfriends. Pavement is not music for slackers (as common sources would have you believe), it’s music for loser hipsters. It’s hard to imagine Bob Nastanovich actually dating someone. I mean, at some point the girl would get tired of his antics and just stab him in the throat, right? What with his always walking around the house shaking maracas like an epileptic, plus all those other wonderful crazy hijinks that made him such a displeasure to watch on stage. Oh, there he goes banging his stupid fucking tambourine again! Shut the hell up, Bob, I’m trying to listen to a song here! Imagine how when he’s out to eat with his girlfriend, she tries to engage him in conversation but Bob just yells every fourth or fifth word back at her for effect. Ladies, gays, look at the guy in this video and tell me that he’s boyfriend material. I pity anyone who purchased a Pavement reunion ticket. Not only did you have to pay shitty Ticketmaster service charges because the band’s cashing-in on your pitiful obsession, you’re going to end up having your idealized version of a Pavement show massacred by a stupid assclown playing with children’s toys.

• There’s something wryly amusing about Kim Gordon releasing a book of photos and paintings which capture her visions of audiences from the stage. I think it’s…oh, right! Kim Gordon sucks at everything else she does! That’s what’s funny about her trying her hand at a new artistic medium. She can’t sing, she plays the bass for fuck’s sake, she’s in Sonic Youth, and she’s never done anything to establish herself as a fine artist other than to casually drop modern-art buzz names in the press. She’s just a wannabe beatnik who has ridden the coattails of that dork Thurston Moore for three decades (as if his coattails were even worth clinging to), shat out one of his kids, and made it impossible for me to get through a single Sonic Youth record without skipping a song. If you showed me these watercolor interpretations of what Kim Gordon apparently sees while on stage and asked me what I thought of them, I’d say, “You’re fucking kidding me, right? Kim Gordon didn’t paint those. Your dog did. Please, dude, tell me your dog — which eats its own shit twice a day — or your retarded nephew made those. Don’t tell me Kim Gordon did that. Because if you tell me that Kim Gordon — a fully-fucking-functional 57-year old woman — painted those, and that some crazy accident hasn’t made her a complete vegetable, and she still has use of her arms and legs, and that she isn’t mentally handicapped in any way, I’d tell you you’re a goddamned liar and I’d kick your ass.”

• A few quick thoughts intended to ruin the rest of your day: Somewhere out there Sufjan Stevens is still making music. That guy from The Decemberists just finished another book: prepare to be bored by a double-concept album. CocoRosie are still racist little pig even recording for the evil Sub Pop corporation now. Someday your children will dig up a copy of one of your Bright Eyes albums and realize why they hated you so much: Bob Dylan was boring enough the first time around and then you gave the time of day to a tone-deaf brat whose obvious thievery falls just short of calling himself “Bob Dylan”. The Arcade Fire are still Bruce Springsteen’s Nebraska. Vampire Weekend are still Haircut One Hundred. Everything else you think you like isn’t good at all. Hopefully you’ll realize this once you grow the fuck up and exit your insincere-posturing-for-social-status stage.

Serena Maneesh – I Just Want To See Your Face

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