MITIGATION

it happens every time i pass someone i know. from a football field away, they spy you in the distance, and they match their footsteps to yours so that you meet in stride. a smile crosses their face in that moment of recognition, and it appears to grow as you move in closer. closer. maybe their head cocks to the side if they’re a bit foppish. whatever the case may be, the end result is always identical. you could be anywhere on earth, from your own driveway to the louvre.

–hey evan! how are you?
–oh i’m alright, thanks. yourself?
–fine, fine. [by the way, what the fuck does "fine" mean? it such a lame response] wow, you must be graduating soon, what’s your plan?

ah yes, that question. sure the syntax may differ, there’s “got any plans?” or “what are you gonna do?” or my personal favorite, “got a job yet?” but the intrinsic nature of the question remains. how do you respond to this? i don’t walk around with prepared answers for all the possible questions i may be asked on a given day, but, i’ve also managed to never respond the same way to this query. maybe if you catch me while i’m under the influence i might offer a sullen, “i dunno, maaaaan,” and giggle, but i really enjoy what comes from trying to think of strange and interesting retorts.

–well, i bought a place in vermont so i’ll just move up there and start raising baby cows for veal. what about you?

it really works. people start nodding when you launch into the story, and if you watch their expressions closely you can pinpoint the exact moment when they stop nodding along and start to become slightly off-kilter, gradually shifting towards confusion or anger. you can actually chart the progression if you stop concentrating on your answer and just start free associating. they may think you’re crazy, but the truth is they’re asking for it by presenting you with such a stupid question. what percentage of students has a job ready the moment they graduate? i’ll make a generous estimate of 35%. why should i have to think about my unemployment every time i see someone i don’t regularly talk to? each one of them is just another reminder that i am fucked the moment i get my hands on that bachelor’s degree. you could just say “congratulations, college grad!” and be done with it. please don’t drag me through the mire of trying to quickly find a sarcastic response to your asinine observation, i’m just going to reach out and pull you through the mud alongside me.

people should just be more honest with one another. two weeks ago a girl i once had class with passed me on my way home. we used to sit in the back row and i would have a snappy quip for everything the professor said. that was the extent of our relationship. anyway, she she passes me, feigning excitement, and says,

–hey!
–hey.
–oh my god, how are you? i feel like we never see each other anymore.
–yeah… it’s really depressing for you, i’m sure.

now that’s the kind of honesty i’m talking about. we both know our joy is superficial bullshit. let’s just acknowledge it, laugh about it (like the girl and i did) and be on our way.