The Top Ten Steps To Bed A Hilton Sister

the allure of celebritydom has varied effects on the mind-set of a large portion of society. there is a vapid current flowing through people’s heads that leads them to believe certain individuals, because of their perceived talent or notoriety, deserve to be celebrated. these famed characters are then rewarded with the opportunity to set social norms for a throng of impressionable minds. in turn, young people become mired in identity crises and begin to conjure unfeasible life goals in the hopes they can someday be attained. simply put, the eerily close attention we pay to the lives of rich and famous folks rubs off on us and makes us unhappy with our own lives. whether or not we want to admit it, we’re all guilty of some form of this behavior. it’s impossible to recuse yourself from the situation because nowhere else extols celebrity quite like america.

nevertheless, i can help you achieve fame and recognition the likes of which you’ve never felt before. even the time when you were stopped on the street to answer a question for the six o’clock news can’t compare to this:

The Top Ten Steps To Bedding A Hilton Sister

i came up with this plan a few years ago, before the sex video and the unfathomable press coverage. back then, i was just a nerd who had seen a few pictures of them on some website and thought i was the only person who knew they existed. this plan has remained under lock and key for a very long time. i neglected to publish it before, only because—at the time—they were both single. now one is married and the other is giving charlie sheen a run for his money in the “who’s got the most venereal diseases” category.

step 1. get a job working at a hilton hotel in a major city in the united states. it could really be any job. a bellboy would be best, because you’ll have access to every floor of the hotel, and you’re a bit more free to roam than if you were…say, a concierge or a doorman.

step 2. start dealing drugs. it doesn’t matter which drug you choose, but coke would probably work best because everyone and their father uses it. plus it will attract other dealers, and pimps, who are a crucial element of this equation. reminder: do not to actually use the drugs. you could get fired and all your preparation will be for naught.

step 3. use your newfound popularity to meet prostitutes. odds are, if you’re in a major city, you’ll be seeing a few of the same whores time and time again. build a rapport with them. give them drugs as gifts if you are feeling generous.

step 4. ask one of the prostitutes to kill somebody. anybody, really. the john is that is paying her for her should suffice. offer her some money or some coke if she needs to be enticed. she’s a prostitute, so her sense of morality is already shamefully low. she will not disappoint you. in fact, she might even give you a free blowjob when she’s done cause she’ll still be amped up on adrenaline.

step 4 1/2. if the prostitute won’t kill somebody, you have to kill her. she knows too much. if the situation calls for your resorting to step four and a half, the best way out of it is to blame somebody else and start over from step 1.

step 5. tell your boss, “i’ll take the case!” it’ll make you look like you are responsible and know how to handle a potential pr crisis.

step 6. squeal on the prostitute. i know, it’s not right…but you have to remember—she’s a prostitute—she’s not going to have any evidence that you bribed her to kill somebody. real whores aren’t resourceful like the ones on HBO who walk around with microcassette recorders and hidden video cameras. they can’t afford high-end electronics. that’s your job. record everything and then edit out all the parts where it sounds like you’re coaxing her. you’ve got way more credibility than she does anyway, you’re a working man and she’s a dirty cocksucker.

step 7. seek a reward for your contribution to society. you found the killer! you deserve to be lauded. even if you were the one who initiated the slaying, it’s not like you shouldn’t get a nice party for turning in that sociopath!

step 8. have the hotel manager throw you a party. make it an award ceremony. tell him you want to meet the hilton family and have them present you with some bullshit award. start keeping a list of what you want the award to be named now, so that you’ve got a few zingers when the time comes. tell your manager it’s not a party unless the hilton family flies in to spend the evening celebrating your heroic behavior.

step 9. introduce yourself to the family. in the hours leading up to the party, masturbate a few times, it’ll make you look and feel way more comfortable. that way, when paris or nicky comes up to you and says, “hi i’m paris,” you can be all, “my god. you’re even more beautiful when you’re skin isn’t night-vision green.” flash her a sexy smile. wink a few times. you’re in.

step 10. dry hump a hilton. desperate situations call for desperate measures, and if she doesn’t consent to intercourse i highly recommend you race over to her table during the banquet that’s being held in your honor, and start dry humping her right there in front of everyone. but remember: this is only if she doesn’t consent. it’s not like it matters, you’re so fucking famous right now you could nail either sister—even the dad, rick hilton. but you don’t want him, you want one of those two little slut muffins.