EXEGESIS

matt made an interesting point that i want to go ahead and highlight. this is not intended as one long, cruel joke against fat girls or ugly girls. this is an affirmation of a prevalent behavior that certain girls adhere to. it’s a form of whoring for attention by presenting oneself in a false light. it’s about recognizing the asinine behavior of girls who are desperate for validation. the most common method of deceit is the use of arresting, overly flattering photographs.

i’ve already focused my ire on social networking hubs like myspace, friendster, and facebook in previous entries. one of the attributes of these services that frustrates me the most is the ability to which people alter their images to make themselves look more appealing. how often do you click on a cute photo, to find out that it was simply taken at a specific angle, because the subject is actually a fucking whale of a woman? we must cease this “hotification” of girls’ photographs so that we are sure we’re not being duped into an evil scheme.

right now you’re probably asking, “evan, what the fuck are you doing?” and the answer is simple: i’m exposing truth. we need to do away with this notion that you have to be as beautiful as possible at all times. people should just be honest, instead of resorting to using tricks of light, flattering angles, and adobe photoshop to “hotify” oneself.

here’s how to spot potential victims of “hotification.” you have to be on the lookout for girls with potential to be cute. if you’re using the search function, the first method for telling a girl is consciously trying to hide something is the fact that her main gallery photo is cropped at the shoulders. she won’t have a full body shot if she’s self-conscious and has something to hide. in this regard, girls who are overweight but with full body shots are actually cooler and more admirable. also, if the main photo is usually taken from the side. perhaps on a 45-degree angle, and from above. the natural lighting in most rooms and the contours of the female face—from this angle—always makes girls cuter. it’s a science, really. if a girl’s photo is taken from directly in front of her, she’s more confident. she’s got nothing to hide as far as facial looks go, but a hideous body might still be hidden below.

i’ve gone and found some examples of different techniques girls use to “hotify” themselves. these images have not been altered in any way, they are simply re-sized. cases in point:

meet “hillary duff.” she looks like a nice girl, wholesome and cute.

so cute! let’s see her other photos!

oh look, it’s a completely different person.

awwww jackie! you’re killing me!

oh jackie, you’re KILLING me!

hey there, dark stranger. you look GOOD from that downward angle.

but not here.

here’s an example of a girl using the shoulder-crop technique to hide whatever lies beneath. all her photos are from this angle or a similar, shoulders-and-up style.

this girl is using the angled technique. she’s also breaking the fourth wall.

because from straight-on, she’s a cow.

hey there, beautiful. c’mon over here… get a little closer…

TOO CLOSE! TOOOOO CLOSE!!!!

there’s nothing worse than being lead into temptation only to have your eyes raped by a disturbing image that was never intended to be seen by mere mortals. we need to do away with the “hotter than thou” mentality that is present in online communities, where people neglect honesty. i don’t know if it’s an innate desire to appear like you’re part of an elite group of hot people, or if it’s just self-consciousness rearing it’s ugly head (pun intended), but it’s so sophomoric to cater one’s personality and looks to another’s ideal.

i’m not sure what is to blame for this irrational “hotification” trend. maybe it’s the media’s portrayal of beauty through a lens, like mtv’s pop-culture cute, or the idea of celebritydom in general, and kids subscribing to the belief that the people they see in magazines and on tv are the epitome of beauty—or even worse—the “norm.” whatever it is, it needs to be addressed by someone who’s smart, because no one’s going to listen to me. they’re just going to call me an asshole, and i deserve it. but i also speak the truth.