The Top Ten…Uh…Things.

The Top Ten…Uh…Things.

10) lists – they tell everyone what’s “it” right now in the real world. and they’re a good organizational technique. they’re also totally overrated. some people thought lists went out with the invention of the ranking, but the truth is they’re still valuable, even today. literally.

9) magazines – when you’re not doing something, or even if you are doing something, you can always read a magazine and it looks like you’re in the know. when you’ve got your issue of entertainment weekly or new york magazine, people know not to fuck with you, because you’re the guy who is totally unflappable with his magazine in his hands, reading and junk.

8) Wegmans – you can get anything there, even AIDS from sharing needles with the punk kids who keep the shopping carts in order. i dig the fresh-made sandwiches and the pizza, but they’ve got other stuff too. plus—you know—it’s a supermarket, so you can get other foods and bring them home and eat them later. it’s a marvel of modern convenience that i really only use it to buy bagels and orange juice.

7) Palace Brothers Days in the Wake - this is about as intimate a recording as there is. you can hear thunder rolling, rain falling, crickets cricketing…all sorts of little mysteries.

6) long sleeves in the summer, short sleeves in the winter – it’s just something i do, i’m not really sure why.

5) The Jesus and Mary Chain – no one gives them any credit these days. they put out some incredible albums, and sounded like goth-u2. the only reason i thought about them was because lost in translation just ended, “just like honey” was rolling with the credits, and i haven’t listened to them in a while.

4) baseball – the mets aren’t doing much right now but it’s the start of the season and all the games are on tv. i can just geek out with a beer and some cookies like i invented time, or something.

3) crossword puzzles – i didn’t learn my extensive vocabulary from books, ya know…well, i did, but i also learned a lot from crossword puzzles. they allow your brain to operate on a higher level—like the astronauts. plus you can amaze a girl’s parents when you’re over at her house and her dad is all, “what’s a 10 letter word that follows Paul Revere?” and you’re like, “The Raiders, dude…” he’ll smile, thank you, and for a moment, totally forget you’ve tried anal play with his “princess.”

2) beards – it’s gotten to the point where i feel naked and exposed and vulnerable when i’m not bearded. it’s uncomfortable when people can actually behind my homeless guy disguise.

1) sarcasm – you know why? because IT NEVER GETS OLD. sigh.