The Top Ten Ways To Feel Bette About Yourself

today’s friday top ten is brought to you by this “homeboy so ugly he forces cameras out of focus” portrait:

The Top Ten Ways To Feel Better About Yourself

10) play with a small animal – our bodies have these magic little beads of happiness in them, it’s called endorphins, or pheremones, or seratonin, or whatever—i didn’t get an A in biology (actually, I did). i do know that when you pet a small animal, and it looks at you with it’s cute little eyes, everything that’s wrong in the world instantly rights itself.

9) talk to a stranger – you’ll feel like you’re the most sociable person in the world. if the introduction evolves into a full-blooded conversation, you’ll have something to tell people about later. they’ll applaud your earnestness with heaps of praise and newfound respect.

8) say something uncouth in public – no matter how shitty you feel, if you let slip a taboo remark, you suddenly feel much more hip. a few weeks ago i was driving down the parkway and there was this lime green piece-of-shit honda slowing down traffic in front of me. all i saw were four heads packed into the back seat so, i innately screamed “you stupid beaners are driving so slooooow!” only to learn that the passengers were, in fact, of latin american descent.

7) learn a new word, use it in conversation – this works because people think you’re smarter
than you really are. just make sure you pronounce it correctly and use it in the proper context, or you will look like the fucking fool you really are.

6) watch a daytime talk show – it’ll help you realize that there are way more fucked up people in this world than you. one time i was skipping school, i put on jerry springer, and the guest was talking about how he fantasized about girls vomiting on him during intercourse, and i thought to myself, “oh my god. that’s disgusting.” i knew, from that moment on, i was one of the greatest living souls ever. an icon, even.

5) go to the bathroom – sometimes it’s not heartbreak or ulcers or depression pains or restlessness, you just haven’t pooped in a while!

4) steal something – go to 711, or the mall, or whatever, and just take something. you’ll feel invincible. it’s easier than you think. especially when it’s something like a pin or a single reece’s peanut butter cup. you’ll feel like god does when he watches models in the shower.

3) smoke some weed – there’s a chance you’ll get shwag and you’ll just get a headache, but if you can get really lit and you’re amongst friends—or at home at 4am watching cartoons—suddenly everything in the world stops, and there’s this moment of pure elation. it’s like you’re the last guy on earth, and you’re free to do whatever you want.

2) take a chill pill (literally, like valium) – some people don’t enjoy valium, but i am one of those who, in my dabbling, came to love the sloppy, sort-of sedated, hilarious state it puts me in. i remember back in ’02 i went to see mogwai in brooklyn with ilya and he gave me my first valium and i was making all these weird comments on the ride home that made me laugh like a schoolboy. then we met matt at the diner in town, and i collapsed in the booth with a sickening thud, and we all had a good laugh at my expense.

1) call an old fling or ex – this works best if you were the one who put an end to the relationship, because you know they’re going to invite you over. sometimes it’s just nice to feel wanted, and forcing your presence on someone who’s been in counseling to get over you works really well in that regard. plus, you can pretty much ensure at least a handjob.