SOLACE

from: 09-09-04 “Lily’s Birth”

Kisses. What, I pray tell, are you doing? I’m sitting finding lines as they bend and wave before my eyes. Between throes of passion and throwing rage I must return to written word. And because there is no feasible way I can accurately orate to you my love, Lily. In deep transient states it all seems so clear. While you rest on your laurels at the edge of your pond. Biding your time, you have all the time in the world, or so it seems. Crushed in a vise by the hills and the sea, you sit outside on a wooden deck staring at the sun. Your smile is girlish, pretty and consumed by strands that lie in your eyes. And what would your friend in this old useless photograph have said to you were she able to speak? Do the stars shine above at night? Can you see them through the tops of the trees? Will comets scream by your periphery? Is there hope for the love of another to find you in this night? What’s the weather report for this coming week? Back East it calls for frigid air that makes your throat sore. How much is too much more? On such a cloudy night when gleaming stars are out of sight one should not bother asking for repentance. Countless hours have been logged in this station where I ponder another, different future with my countess. We meet, all eyes and locked in tighter than a corset. Such a sick embrace, you’d fear this was the last day on Earth. Skin is touching skin and sticking with sweat. Fingers intertwined, we make our escape down some bright sunny lit lane. No one ever wonders why it happened, or how. We don’t think to tell them and they haven’t thought to ask. Why bother? There is no reason to be ashamed. This season is ours to name. Some call it Spring, I call it a fresh start to a victorious March. And if you’re mother knew, Lily, would you take it all back? It murdered me once, and I still feel pain from my prior designs. Huddled over sinks all summer long clutching my guts as they attempt to thrust their way out through my abdomen. And should I keep feeling it? Is this right? Should I force it? Could I blind myself from ever lusting for your thighs? Your mind is a well to tap, but I don’t even remember why- so what’s the use, Lily? I guess I never tried. Seeing you sitting there with fair skin exposed, rockets lift off and fall. Yes, I have desired you. I never even thought you knew. How droll. That you gave yourself away was worst mistake of my life. Lily, would you have been my wife, with your debutante friends and your high life? Could you answer for your friend if the cosmos burn bright? When they finally found me I was crushed to death beneath the weight of my head. Too much thinking occurs. It starts to hurt, but it’s a pain I like to endure. So keep it coming. We’re familiar now. I don’t know why the day ends, or who reads late at night in bed. There was something there and we felt as sure as lightning tearing us apart. It rends us, all innards scraping along the pavement. I guess it doesn’t even matter. When the sun finally sets, and the world feels cold and dark. We shall see for ourselves if distant suns do indeed shine at night if I have designs for your life, Lily. Every day is more of the same. Little leads and half truths- they’re catching up to you, Lily. Even if I do not know what the future holds, I know one thing for certain. Great Expectations gave girls such great expectations.