i totally forgot that yesterday was friday, and that i should have done a top ten. please don’t hate me, it’s a very busy time of year. and by “busy,” i mean relaxed and not stressful by any means. for the past few days i’ve woken up around noon, written a few paragraphs for a paper that’s due wednesday, and spent the rest of the day playing guitar and video games, eating sporadically, and killing cells.
The Top Ten Embarrassing Moments From My Life
10) when i was about three or four years old i had a crush on this cute little blonde and i was over at her house for a playdate. we were standing in her den after playing around, and there was a moment when i think we were going to hug or kiss or something, but instead i pushed her—not noticing she was standing in an open doorway. she fell down a flight of steps.
9) i was at a party in 12th grade, and i had eaten 2 percosets and taken countless bonghits. i remember not feeling anything all night—which disappointed me very much. then all of a sudden, everything kicked in—after many hours—just as the party was winding down. but i wasn’t really in any shape to drive, so i had to hang out until everyone left. it was just me and the kid whose house it was and his girlfriend (who i had a fling with before they got together). after like forty seconds of it being the three of us i knew it was awkward, so i just got up and left. i don’t think i’ve seen either of them since then. i made it home fine, thankfully.
8) the year 2000, i went to a concert that featured nerf herder opening for the bloodhound gang. for some reason, it was a stage when i was just embracing my nerdish tendencies, and i felt like nerf herder were one of the greatest bands that had ever been formed. with their flashy power chord riffing and cheesy comic book guy-esque songwriting, they could do no wrong in my eyes. until i realized the whole thing sucked. bloodhound gang bet some guy from the audience he couldn’t drink a 24 pack of dr. pepper during their set and he puked all over the stage. what was so embarrassing for me—i guess—is that i went to the concert.
7) when i vomited at a little league baseball game i was very embarassed. i wasn’t on the field playing, but i went to support the team despite being sick. evan mcgoff said, “hey man you want a bite [of my hamburger] and i lost it all over this old white haired couple. i remember the next game i played i hit the ball really far and everyone told me to get sick more often. i have an irrational fear of vomit by the way. it’s a really long story.
6) in middle school once i wanted to go to one of the boy’s basketball games. being my class-clown self, i wore a jester’s hat in the hopes of doing something stupid and making an ass out of myself. i remember at one point one of the “bad seeds” took the hat and started running around, he was pissing off a lot of the parents with his tirade, a tirade that culminated with him pinching one of the visiting cheerleader’s butts. the next day in school the principal asked all the students who attended the game to report to a mandatory meeting in the cafeteria. she first asked, “if you watched the game and weren’t running around you may leave.” so i left. little did i know, the next words out of principal’s mouth would be “who was wearing the jester hat” to which everyone responded “Evan LeVine.” You can imagine what happened next.
5) when i was maybe 14 or 15, on the last night of summer camp, i was supposed to get together with this girl. and i remember they put everyone our age into one of the camp buildings to watch movies all night. it was a way of making sure we didn’t go running around killing ourselves. so this girl and i were watching movies, and before i know it, we’re in her sleeping bag dry humping and making out. soon we were manually masturbating one another and there was a “something about mary moment” when i finished. i decided to stand up and see what happened and of course, it was dark so i walked to the bathroom. and when i opened the door i was greeted by the head counselor who was, at the same time as me, noticing the huge fucking wet, sticky stain on my shirt. i reprised this moment during the summer before senior year of high school under different circumstances.
4) i had a playdate at a girl named lindsey’s house. it must have been pre-school, and we were chilling in her basement, i don’t remember what we were playing but i remember the basement was kinda interesting. anyway, i had to go to the bathroom. i went into the bathroom and lifted the seat so i could pee, but it fell down on me while i was going and i couldn’t stop so i pissed all over the seat and the floor and my hand and my pants. of course, her mom came to the rescue, giving me a pair of her daughter’s undies to wear so she could put mine in the washing machine. mom was confused when she came to pick me up.
3) i stole a box of chiklets from a homeless woman in puerto vallarta, mexico. i was maybe eight years old and we were walking into town for dinner at one of those senor frogs type places. when we passed her she stretched her arm out and i took a little packet. i got about 3 steps before my mom noticed and told me that they weren’t free, she was selling them. i felt bad and put it back, and then received my first life lesson: sadness is for poor people.
2) it was the summer of 2001. i had just graduated high school. i had a girlfriend. i used to go over to her house and we’d just lock the door to her room and go out it for hours. one night i decided i wanted a night cap, so i pulled into 711 on my way home. the parking lot was filled with all those kids you swore you’d never see again after graduation. when i got out, we all feigned hello’s. i went to get some super nachos, and as i was applying as much cheese as i could to them, this black guy barges in and screams, “yo man! your car!” and i was like “oh great this black guy’s gonna steal my car.” then i noticed my car getting smaller. it was rolling out of the parking lot, over the curb, into oncoming traffic. i placed my nachos calmly down and ran out the door, catching up to the car as it came to a halt in a flower bed across the street. when i pulled the car back into the (over the curb, just for the sake of going over the car’s prior steps), i got out and paid and didn’t say a word to anyone who was staring at me.
1) it was the day of senior prom. i was 40 minutes from going home for the day, sitting in “electronic music” when a note came in telling me to go to the principal’s office. i’d never even spoken to the principal before that day. he sits me down and pulls a piece of paper out of a manilla folder. it’s a picture of a chinaman with no arms. he says, “do you know what this is?” and i say, “a chinaman with no arms?” he looks at me and says “do you know the webpage that’s written on it?” i say, “oh yeah. someone i know made it.” and he says, “but not you.” and i agree. then he holds up another picture, this one is of me. he starts to read… “evan has burn scars on his testicles and likes to masturbate in front of full length mirrors.” i tried to laugh it off but he wasn’t budging, “i’ve called your parents, they’re both on their way in to talk with us about this.” when they arrived i explained that it was a joke from my own website, and i don’t know how it got on the website that was using creative advertising by posting disturbing pictures around the school. then my parents, recently divorced, got into a fight in front of the principal because one of them had seen the webpage and one hadn’t. principal walker let me leave early that day, escorted by my still feuding parents.
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