The Top Ten Recipes For A Successful Marriage

here’s a bonus top ten for saturday. my mom got this invitation to a bridal shower and the invitation had this written inside: “we are creating an album for lauren, ‘recipes for love, life and dining.’ please choose one, use the enclosed card, and bring your special ‘recipe’ to the shower.” fully aware that her son is a genius, she asked me to think of something clever.

the top ten recipes for a successful marriage.

10) THE IN-LAWS. learn to accept the fact that your spouse’s parents hate you and your entire family. it should be ingrained into everyone’s mind from an early age that the person they will invariably end up with, their parents would not have chosen for them. there’s a reason other cultures have arranged marriages. children are exchanged for monetary compensation, and that simple act is like a get out of jail free card for family dinners.

9) SEX. don’t fall into a routine. you might as well sleep in two beds if you’re going to be one of those bland, pedestrian couples that does it only on weekends. fuck and fuck often, is what i learned growing up, from watching lots and lots of television. the happiest couples were always the ones that fucked like rabbits, and since you’re never as happy as you are post-coitus, why not make it a goal to attain that level of satisfaction as often as possible? you’ll thank me later. i used to listen to “lovelines” every night, i know what i’m talking about.

8) SENSE OF HUMOR – if you can’t laugh you’re a cold hearted bastard and shouldn’t be getting married. in fact, if you walk around stoic with a pole up your ass there’s pretty good odds you weren’t going to get married anyway, so just give up. girls: if a boy can’t laugh when you make fun of his sensitivity by calling him a fag, ditch him. boys: if a girl cries when you pull out and bust in her eye, she’s too uptight.

7) CHAMPAGNE. is best served on breasts during the physical act of love. that about covers champagne.

6) CHILDREN. are like little alcoholics tugging at your shirt sleeves being all, “check it out maaaaan, i can blow spit bubbles and eat the dog’s food.” this type of behavior would not cut it in a social setting, so why allow it in the home? unless you’re of the ilk that has good genes, and will birth a child who can engage in discourse on an academic level from the moment they learn to speak, don’t bother. you might as well devote your time to taking care of an incontinent octogenarian. quite frankly no one should have to waste their prime wrist deep in shit.

5) FOOD. they say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. yeah, and people also used to believe alchemists could turn shit into gold. everyone knows the way to a man’s heart is through a comfortable recliner, shutting up, the occasional blowjob and not asking for money. when it comes to food, don’t cook to impress. just make something edible and throw in a side dish that will affirm his masculinity. if you’re cooking swordfish for example, don’t steam vegetables, whip up some potato skins or beer battered fries.

4) SEPARATE BATHROOMS. as far as i know, girl’s don’t poop. i can only imagine that the lucky husband-to-be was also raised to believe that girls don’t poop. for this reason, separate bathrooms should be installed, so as not to smite a lifetime of inaccuracy pertaining to women’s bathroom habits. it’s like telling a kid there is no easter bunny, only in this instance the easter bunny has a vagina, and poops.

3) “NO PROBLEM.” whenever your partner inconveniences you, do not let it drag you down. instead, respond “no problem.” and keep a mental note. the next time you’re being intimate, an internal alarm will sound, and “no problem” will become the equivalent of, “i’m going to put something where it doesn’t belong.” this way, your partner can understand–fist hand– the torment that you selflessly absorbed earlier in the day.

2) GIFTS. nothing keeps the flame alive like a wonderful surprise. like a puppy bringing a dead bird home to its owner, the thought involved in picking out a gift for a loved on tugs on the recipient heartstrings. now, i would not recommend bringing a dead bird home and placing it on your spouse’s pillow, but little tokens of affection will undoubtedly please. if you’re really good about leaving thoughtful reminders, you can slip in a dirty gift, too! sunday earrings, monday an iou for a fancy dinner, tuesday anal beads, thursday a long stemmed rose…

1) “I LOVE YOU.” – everyone says this seemingly banal remark is a trick to marital success. something about those words inherently quells all the world’s problems. unfortunately, the phrase has lost all meaning in this modern age. everyone is too wrapped up in themselves and we trade i love yous flippantly. i suggest that instead of saying “i love you,” we should cease to behind a facade of conservatism and say what we really mean, which is, “i want you inside me.”