The Top Ten Things I Look For In A Catch

May 27, 2005

Everyone likes to tell people, “I’m such a catch!” or “You’re such a catch!” Usually in regards to why someone is not in a committed relationship. While I don’t think I’m a catch, if any of you people reading this are, here’s what I’m looking for in someone I want to fuck.


10) female – sorry homos, you can stop reading now.

9) supa fresh – bathing and cleanliness are both very important. it’s such a big turn off when you strip a girl down to nothing and you’re face to face with an unkempt dirty body. keep yourself neat, shower daily, smell good, and be supa fresh all the time. if not for you, do it for me?

8) erudite – so she’s clean and presentable, both in the flesh and with clothes on. well, your job isn’t done yet, baby. you should be well read. that way when i brag about you to people i can be like, “yeah she memorized Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War” for fun when she was seventeen! and she quotes burroughs and bukowski like whoa.”

7) unflappable – when shit gets fucked, i want a girl who’s going to size up the situation rationally and treat it like it’s no big deal. live life without remorse or regret, “laid back in the shack,” as dr. dre once said.

6 ) me and you and some pot and booze – her idea of going out is trying to make plans, but then we decide to break out the bong, get ripped and watch really bad movies all night. i’m talking “jeepers creepers” meets “torque” bad.

5) smiley sweetie – she’s gotta have one of those big smiles that makes you stop and think, “man, how did i end up with something so beautiful in my life. this girl is absolutely stunning. i can’t believe i ravage and defile that mouth with my cock on a nightly basis.”

4) spontaneous – “let’s up and go to missoula, montana!” should not be greeted with apprehension or dolor. the proper response is, “i’ll go get my diaphragm!”

3) big bright eyes – preferably two. green or blue in hue. the brighter the better. that’s why everyone likes that conor oberst kid, right?

2) she is so smart. s-m-r-t – if you can’t hold an intelligent conversation you need not apply. utterly lacking any semblance of aptitude is not going to cut it. minimum 1250 SAT score. no upper crust white chicks from jersey who went to a liberal arts school in pennsylvania, please.

1) humor is laughter – she needs to laugh about everything. from aids to cancer to dead babies to rape jokes to terrorist threats and rosie o’donnell playing a retarded chick on tv.


  1. nicki

    so do brown eyed girls need not apply?

  2. |

    everyone can apply.

    girls everyone, that is…

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