The Top Ten Of Stupid Shit

today being the final weekday of the first week of june, in this the 2005th year of our lord and savior jesus christ (who never really existed, and if he did he had AIDS), it is time for this week’s top ten.

the top ten of stupid shit.

10) christianity – religions throughout the world suck, and are indeed at the root of almost every international conflict, but i feel especially bad for christians. the reason for that is simple. us jews are bred to understand concepts like self-effacement and cynicism, so not only are we born comedic geniuses, many of us inherently accept religion as being a fallacy and take not stock in it whatsoever. unfortunately, many christians (roman catholics, mostly) have unbelievably retarded senses of morality and generally lack a lot of common sense. anyone who shoves religion in your face is a dolt, and since the majority of america is christian that is where my ire resides. i’m sure if i lived in asia i’d be all, “yo. FUCK those stupid buddhists in their perfectly round bellies!”

9) orphans – get over it.

8) “not on the first date!” – what are you fucking kidding me? if we’re standing in your doorway and you say, “i had a really good time, we should do this again” you’re implying that you had fun. why should we beat around the bush (and have me pay for another dinner or movie or trip to the ER)? you’re going to give it up anyway eventually (or he will TAKE power). you might even be down for demoralizing sex acts. so why should we pretend to treat you like a princess? by next month we’ll be regularly skeeting down your throat.

7) bad songwriting – don’t tell us how you’re feeling you stupid emo dufus. show us. c’mon, use your words!

6) “cat people” – these are the otherwise dull folks who are all about their cats, and they’re constantly noticing the similarities between their own personalities and that of their pet. “you know how miffy loves sniffing people? i do too!” or maybe it’s how they purr when they’re happy. some will even rub themselves against you to trade scents. it’s borderline psycho. plus, it’s just generally boring. you won’t see a dog owner pulling that weak shit. we have lives. we know we’re humans and animals less intelligent beings who eat, sleep and shit, and honestly, care about little else. you don’t see crazy old women living with a million dogs and screaming at the neighborhood kids do you? oh, their houses all reek of piss, too.

5) that guy from good charlotte – cause deep down inside, i want to fuck hillary duff. from behind. and also because… no, i guess that’s it. i hate most successful musicians because i envy them… yeah, i envy their their ability TO SELL OUT SO CALLOUSLY! but honestly folks, they don’t deserve any of their riches and i deserve all of it. at least i’m genuine.

4) homos – quit rubbing it in our faces (ew, that’s such a gay pun). i wouldn’t mind giving you equal rights if you weren’t so fucking loud and obnoxious about it. the worst part about homos are that they possess that really competitive male instinct, only they apply it to the most retarded shit in the world. like gay pride. and clothes. so please quit your bitching. it’s grating. you’re like women. gay women. or… something.

3) “don’t be such a hater.” – what the fuck does that mean? instead of affronting a peer for voicing vehement concern about something, have the balls to defend the opposing viewpoint and engage in debate. so i thought garden state sucked and bright eyes has marginal talent and less originality than the guy who shouts “that’s gotta hurt!” in a movie theater. are you going to tell me why i should be less critical, or are you going to cop out and tell me i’m a hater? you’re no better than the spouse who comes home from work looking glum, only to answer “how was your day?” with “fine.”

2) the french – sorry, i mean, ” the freedom.” the lone exception of course, is that girl who let me finger her at tennis camp when i was 15. she looked GOOD. and understood proper hygiene!

1) “evan, that’s not funny.” – i’ve stated it countless times. you need a sense of humor to get through life and remain happy. if you let yourself fall prey to politically correct, ethical behavior you become, in effect, sterilized and boring. when i’m reprimanded for being inappropriate, uncouth, offensive, i feel sorry for the person who thinks they are teaching me a lesson about civility. they will go through life without knowing the joy that comes from speaking your mind freely. a wise man once said, “we can’t live in fear of life’s little setbacks, we need to just accept that they are parts of our lives and move forward. no society can advance and expand when they’re hindered by elevated senses of morality or self-worth.” that man was me, just last month, right here in this bog.