JAPE

After succumbing to a 48-hour heavy depression, I awoke this morning to discover that the fog in my head for the most part, had lifted. There are a handful of explanations for this, but since CmajEm isn’t a Livejournal, I have absolutely no reason to delve into my psyche or my personal life in this space. The previous two or three entries should paint a fairly clear (and maudlin) portrait for you. Let’s just say that I failed to heed my own advice. If I attempt to live my life by any single principle, it’s that nothing is worth dwelling on to the point where it causes you physical harm. Each experience or personal encounter serves our ability to expand our minds and evolve. When you start to feel remorse or regret for something that has occurred, you limit your ability to progress. So, yeah. Now that I’ve opened today’s remarks by pontificating, I’ll shift gears and you won’t even notice. Well, you wouldn’t have noticed if I didn’t verbalize my intentions.

Last night I finished transcribing my audio tapes from the car rides. 57 pages of observations, philosophy and random meanderings. If I had to classify the tapes, I could probably break each segment of audio into three classifications. Maybe 70% of the tape is me recounting the previous days events (in detail) so that I would not forget who I met or of what we spoke. 20% is me talking about the different girls who passed through my life on the trip, and the heartfelt conversations or moments we shared. The final 10% is basically me sprouting the most random, utterly useless shit. My own stupidity in those moments where I’d been in the car for seven or eight hours non-stop and I came up with some brilliant notion about a town like Buellton, California are ridiculous to the point of embarrassment. I cringed maybe five times while transcribing. I only cried twice. That’s pretty impressive for a living, breathing, emotional being. Mostly I just laughed at myself.

In my endless search for the raw and unabashed truth, I made no edits or changes to the grammar or word choice. Each word was spoken exactly as it appears on these 57 pages. All the gut wrenching, face-reddening honesty moved me. For someone who’s battled self-consciousness and anxiety issues for many years, it was nice to hear myself speaking so candidly about what I was experiencing and not glossing over any details for fear that someone might listen back someday. If you want to read it, I’ll send a copy your way. I might have to change some names to protect identities.

The next step is finishing transcribing the interviews. The only one that is 100% at this point is Tarentel, which I finished at 10am this morning. I loved listening back to all the stupid jokes I made with Jim and Jefre. The interview was seamless and you can tell how much fun I was having at the time. It’s evident in the text. That one came out to maybe 20 pages. Bubba Kadane’s is 30 pages at this point, but I don’t know if it’s finished yet. There might be one more tape to listen to. Jeff Mueller is like 15 pages, but I’ve only listened to 45 minutes. I still have yet to start the Tim Furnish, Tim Midgett or Rich Fessler interviews. Stephen George and JK McKnight didn’t commit their interviews to tape but I have a wealth of notes from the two. I’m forgetting some folks.

I’m going to get in touch with an old professor this week to see if he will meet with me to talk about the next step. I have so many questions, and I value his opinion. Just before graduation I met and spoke with him twice about the concept and he seemed very intrigued by it. I think he sees me as a fairly talented writer. He heaped praise on my portfolio, but you know me… I still need to learn how to take a compliment.