I’m just printing out the 52-page Chicago chapter (first draft) and sending a copy to two friends, one in central Jersey and one in Chicago. Luckily they are both the kind of people who aren’t going to say, “it’s really good!” without criticism. I fully expect both of them to do everything short of cock punch me in an attempt to keep me grounded and looking for ways to improve upon my work. It’s been a long month since I started work on the chapter, and I’m going to be happy to take my eyes off the damned thing for a few weeks. Once I get both copies back (with red ink running amok) I’ll fix it up and take it down to Muhlenberg for a final edit. Then I get to start another chapter, while sending this one out to people to see if they want to maybe publish it. If there’s one glaring problem, it’s definitely the “introductions.” I think what I should have done, as solipsistic as it sounds, was to talk about the bands on a more personal level than giving an allmusicguide rundown of their careers. It reads like a checklist of career goals at this point. If something has to be changed, it’s those little brief background stories.
I’m going to run to the post office and then the bank. Then I’m out for the night. Here’s a really weak Friday Top-Ten because I’m running late.
THE TOP TEN BAD IDEAS
10) All girls are pretty, ya dig? – When I was in sixth grade I had two girlfriends. One of them, we’ll call her “K,” and I broke up sometime in March. I remember it was that time of year because we kissed a bunch of times on St. Patrick’s Day and I felt like a real man kissing a girl in front of my friends. The other one, “C,” we dated for about a month until she broke up with me. Why, you ask? Because I told her her arms were hairy. BAD IDEA. I was single within an hour. That day I learned a very valuable lesson. All girls are pretty, all the time. No matter what. If they’ve got a horse face or a disgusting birth mark in the middle of their fucking forehead, they’re pretty. They’re unique. Tell ‘em they look nice all the time and you’ll get lots of blow jobs.
9) “Naming Names” in a publication – I’ve only been threatened twice for giving someone’s name without their knowledge. This kid at Muhlenberg told me he was going to sue me for libel, and I wrote him a very long letter explaining how he wasn’t reading my criticism of his life the right way. I said something like, “don’t think of it as libel, think of it as constructive criticism. I’m writing from the perspective of someone who wants to see you succeed.” I never heard back from him so I assume either a) he bought it, or b) he thought I was coming onto him and it scared him away.
8) Going into business with people you know – it’s a bad idea because you know each other’s moves so well, and one person is always going to try and usurp the other. In most friendships, like all relationships, there is an alpha and there is an underling. The underling is the passive one who’s always saying, “oh, yeah, let’s do that,” when he can’t think of what to do on a Friday night. This same person, if he goes into business with the more assertive friend, is going to end up getting shafted somewhere along the line. Think Johnny Depp’s character in Blow. The solution, of course, is to go into business alone. The best job in the world is when you’re your own boss.
7) Know your audience – There is nothing I love more than making off-color jokes. But making a racial slur in front of mixed-raced audiences, or a misogynist/rape joke to a woman is just a bad idea. They don’t get the humor, I guess. Sure, it’s funny if we’re trying to be uncouth over some drinks, or sitting around competing to see who can say the most disgustingly dark joke, but you have to be cognizant of the company you keep at times like this. For example, don’t try to one-up your friend by seeing who can tell the grossest “dead baby” joke in front of that girl you know who just had an abortion. Or you know, try it, see what kind of reaction it gets. No, wait. Bad idea.
6) Sex with a minor – It feels so good and so wrong at the same time. It’s like winning the lottery after you mugged an old lady and stole her ticket. Only this time the old lady is a very, very young lady, and the ticket is more like her innocence, leaving her with years and years of therapy and awkward man-issues that she cannot overcome.
5) “We need more space” – No you don’t, just break up. It’ll feel good having sex with other people.
4) Getting a job – It’s the worst possible thing you can do. You can pretty much kiss your freedom goodbye, and your social life. Except maybe if you happen to live in a major city, then you’ll probably go out a few nights a week, but you’ll feel a general sense of malaise and commonly find yourself asking, “where has my life gone?” That’s why I plan on starving to death in an alley somewhere, fifteen years from now. Mark your calendars, boys and girls.
3) Cheating – We’ve all done it, right? The relationship isn’t going to well and some girl is giving you the vibe so you whisk her away someplace and make out or maybe exchange orgasms without penetration. Unfortunately, once you start it’s likely to snowball throughout the course of your life and you end up not being able to keep yourself in a committed relationship for more than a week at a time. Also–and I know this form experience– fooling around with three or four girls who run in the same group of friends is never a good idea because one of the bitches always squeals and then they yell at you like you did something wrong.
2) Carrying drugs on a plane – Doesn’t need much of an explanation, now does it? I tried this once and if it weren’t for the hand of God ripping my bag away from an inspector at the very last moment, there’s a chance I probably wouldn’t be writing this right now. Of course, I didn’t know there were narcotics in the bag, I wouldn’t have attempted such a feat if I had known. I might be dumb but I’m not stupid.
1) “Snakes on a Plane” – I guarantee you it will gross a fuckload of money, and probably cost relatively little to produce (I mean, the snakes are mostly fake and the who thing takes place on a plane). Nevertheless, the cult following it has already garnered is going to ensure that this movie reaches the top of the box office on the weekend it is released. Still, that doesn’t stop it from being the WORST MOVIE IDEA OF ALL TIME. Of course, at the same time, it’s also the best.
Leave a comment