The Top Ten Public Figures Of 2005

Matt gave me two awesome fashion trends that would be both incredibly ironic as well as hilarious to try and pull off. The first trend he recommended trying to “make happen” was to take an ordinary tie and instead of wearing it around your neck, wear it around your forehead. The other idea was to wear either elbow pads or knee pads all the time. This one isn’t as awesome as the tie around the forehead, because people might confuse you for a professional skateboarder or a cyclist or something, which isn’t as ironic as it is goofy. Wearing a bike helmet around all the time would be sort of post-modern but it would also be like, poking fun of kids with cerebral palsy or something.

It is Friday once again, the week has ended and I have a few dollars in my pocket. I’ve got plans tomorrow with Sam and Lindsey, but tonight I might just drink at home and fiddle about in the basement with some tunes and instruments. I’ll return to regular updates probably on Sunday, I think I’m gonna take tomorrow “off,” because I’ve been updating every day for a few weeks now.

Since we are now in the final month of the year, all these different websites and magazines are starting their year end lists. Luckily there are FIVE Fridays in the month of December, and I am going to devote each weekly Top Ten to some sort of “Year in Review” list. Without further ado, let’s get to this week’s list. I should probably preface this by saying I take no stock in this culture of celebritydom, so pardon me if I make some sort of erroneous statement.

THE TOP TEN PUBLIC FIGURES OF 2005

Kevin Federline: He was so close. I mean, all he had to do was shut up and run errands. The American Dream has never seemed more attainable. Just sit there, you never have to work again or anything. More money than you know what to do with. You can buy all the cigarettes and Starbucks you could want. Hell, you could go home and stick the cigarettes up your ass and puke up the Starbucks if you don’t really enjoy it. You had millions at your disposal. Then you did something and got kicked out of your house. Your resume will read “twice divorced” by the end of the year. The sad thing is, Britney Spears has realized the self-fulfilling prophecy that every girl from Louisiana is destined to be a single mother.

Paris Hilton: Fine, her role in House of Wax didn’t have critics whispering that she might be an early favorite to receive an Oscar nomination. It’s still a step up from playing “Barbie” in Wonderland. Her new book is nothing more than blank pages with some new pictures of her, which might as well be the same picture because she has the uncanny ability to never, ever change her facial expression. Although, it might not be a bad idea to try and graduate from this look, because perhaps a different angle will cast a different shadow on her bird nose and Thom Yorke eye.

Bill O’Reilly: he’s that guy who you see on television and hear on the radio hailing himself as a champion of independent thought while chastising the “Jew run liberal media.” Okay, so he doesn’t say “Jew run,” but it’s pretty much implied isn’t it? Meanwhile, every other commercial on FOX News is that one declaring them the number one cable news network in the world. A bit hypocritical, and quite frankly, rather humorous. Although, it’s not nearly as funny as that advertisement for his TV show that contains a random clip of him screaming at one of his guests, “I know you! That’s not what you think!” Priceless.

Angelina Jolie: Congratulations, you wrecked America’s [housewives'] favorite celebrity marriage, and you got away with it without facing any scrutiny. Then again, I don’t read much in the way of tabloids so maybe there was a huge backlash against you and I just haven’t heard about it. What’s great about Angelina is, she’s so worldly and likeable. For example, she’s adopted two children, one looks Asian and one is African. She is a very strong proponent of adopting children from third wo- developing nations, and for good reason. Just think about it, if each and every one of us took the initiative and adopted a baby from overseas… there would still be more next year.

Maureen Dowd: She is a New York Times columnist, author of the book “Are Men Necessary,” and a total cunt. I watched her segment on Letterman the other night and she didn’t even once mention the book she was brought on to promote. She just talked about she “really hopes they get Cheney” and how “Bush is the worst president ever,” blahblahblah. People like her are the reason I hate democrats. Yeah, because Jefferson didn’t have eighty illegitimate kids, Clinton didn’t have his dick sucked in the oval office (let’s not forget about the impeachment), Woodrow Wilson didn’t lie to get us into World War I (far bloodier than Iraq) and he wasn’t a racist, John F. Kennedy wasn’t a speed addict and never cheated on his wife, Nixon didn’t get himself involved in a scandal that ended in his being booted from office, Andrew Johnson wasn’t impeached, Lyndon Johnson didn’t keep us in Vietnam, Truman didn’t obliterate two cities with atomic bombs, FDR didn’t ignore the holocaust or intern Japanese Americans here in America, and Andrew Jackson didn’t ride through America with fucking Indian scalps dangling from his covered wagon. Bitch, shut up and get back to the kitchen.

Peter Ligouri: Is the President of Entertainment at FOX Broadcasting. Clearly though, he has no concept of what is good entertainment. Peter gave the critically acclaimed, Emmy Award Winning show Arrested Development the ax in November. Clearly, choices like “Stacked” and “The War at Home” are much better suited for mass audiences, as is evident in FOX’s 5.5 ratings share, which puts it just below CBS, ABC and NBC, in a level of suck that is most closely attained by powerhouse broadcasters WB and UPN. Way to go, Peter.

Pete Doherty: Is an inspiration to kids who think it’s ironic to walk around wearing a “rehab is for quitters” t-shirt. Sure, to them it’s a joke, but Pete is one of the few guys out there with balls enough to live that dream. You really have to admire him for his allegiance to narcotics. Every day when the sun rises, you can pretty much guarantee that, somewhere out there in the world (near London, most likely), Pete Doherty is either buying smack, crack or coke, or coming down from his most recent smack/crack/coke high. Each and every one of you needs to stop and think, “I wish I was as devoted to something as he is to drugs.”

Bono: Here’s what I absolutely adore about Bono. Despite measuring only 5’3″ he has transformed himself from world renowned rockstar into serious political thinker. His whole, “we have to put our focus on protecting human rights and the environment” scheme is so brilliant, no one’s ever thought of it before. I mean, it’s not like I was reading about endangered species and disappearing rainforests and the depleting ozone layer in “Zoobooks” and “National Geographic Kids” when I was in first grade. This is cutting edge political theory here; a startling breakthrough. Quite frankly, the man should be rewarded for his insight with some sort of prize.

Tom Cruise: You might recognize him from the various freakouts and outbursts and spasms and diatribes he provided us with this past year. I’m not entirely sure what his deal is, but one thing is for certain. Many, many teenage boys can no longer masturbate to Katie Holmes because they close their eyes and see this image here. It’s not that I think Scientology is a joke (I know it’s a joke), it’s not that he’s clearly gay, it’s that he’s such a smarmy motherfucker who just has no idea how undeniably retarded he is.

George W. Bush: Whether or not you agree with him, you have to admit he’s about as public as a figure gets. I mean, it’s not about whether or not we’re still engaged in a war overseas, or if he’s nominating hard-line conservatives to the Supreme Court, or how many of his peers are being implicated and indicted, or making billions off of oil sales and tax breaks. Forget about his mismanagement of various crises, his downright scary religious beliefs, his ability to further polarize the country politically, his shrewd doubletalk and his inability to speak coherently, and what are you left with? He’s just another dude. That’s so awesome, how he’s just like you and I.