The Top Ten Top Ten Lists Of 2005

I fell asleep watching some Scrabble championship on ESPN this morning around 4am, after a long night of rock n’ roll and partying. The jams sounded pretty good, from what I remember. Dan Z. brought over his Sunn amp and a guitar, Ilya brought over his snare drum to fill out the kit, but Ken brought one too, as well as some cymbals and a double kick pedal that I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to utilize. Ken’s got something like five studio sessions lined up, so he’s been chumming it up with industry bigwigs these past few weeks. Granted, I think a few of them are–Hip Hop (is that what the kids are calling it?) albums–but it’s pretty cool nonetheless that he’s officially a hired gun that’ll have credits to his name. As for last night, there was a nice mix of slow and fast tunes, and one that utilized up to FIVE different chords! For anyone who has ever dropped in for one of our sessions, you’ll understand what a big deal playing more than one chord for twenty minutes in a row is. For those of you who don’t know, stop on by. You know how to find me.

THE TOP TEN TOP TEN LISTS OF 2005

Hard to believe I’ve being doing this for nine months now, ain’t it? Yeah, not really. I guess I don’t have much else to do. God, I feel like such a self-obsessed Baby Boomer or something, calling attention to my feats so shamelessly. Oh well. Honorable Mention: (The First One), (The One Without Krautrock), (The Best Beers From The Trip), (The Debut Albums), (The Halloween Costume), (The Perfect Mate)

10) The Painkiller One – I was so over the whole Top Ten thing at this point (I’d already kept it up for what, three weeks! That’s like, the longest I’ve ever stuck with anything in my whole life) that I couldn’t even force myself to pay attention long enough to come up with a real list. It has some pretty funny entries, as one would expect from a list about “cool things.” Obscure references and retarded explanations abound.

9) The Recipe for a Successful Marriage – One day my mother said she was going to a wedding shower, and all the guests had to bring “recipes” for a successful marriage. It was a play on words, they were just supposed to bring one of their favorite recipes. She said she couldn’t think of any, and I gave her this list to use instead, making a big ironic statement about what the “recipe” called for.

8) The Stupid Shit – The Only reason I wanted to make this list was so that I could talk down to the asinine folks out there on the Internets who don’t know how to take a fucking joke. The rest of the list is kind of stupid, I think, but it was fun to lash out at people who would probably never read this anyway.

7) The Guitar Weaping – One of my literary idols Mark Prindle once wrote, “I don’t understand jazz really at all.” That’s the same way I feel when I try to describe a guitar’s tone or the shape of the sounds it makes. I’m just not a very technical music listener in that regard. Nevertheless, it’s hilarious to see me try to describe the way some of the best guitarists’ guitars sound.

6) The Bad Ideas – This was another spur of the moment idea that didn’t turn out half-bad. Of course, it was just an excuse to talk more about “Snakes on a Plane,” but can you blame me? It’s still so funny. By the way, has anyone else noticed that it’s now been entered into the urban dictionary? Check it out. I still think my definition is way more succinct, but the point is, I was so far ahead of the curve, and you were there with me.

5) The One Girls Hate – I believe Ilya helped me out with this one too (there ya go fag, getting another helping of credit), and it was the one readers reacted most negatively towards. Gosh, all I did was speak the truth. You just can’t handle it, can you, ladies?

4) The Sports Moments – Athletic as I am… Okay, that was a really bad way to open this summary. I won’t lie, I don’t think I’m very athletic anymore. Sure, once, when I had the personal trainer and played sports regularly I was alright at sports. I’m just not very competitive. If you love stories about kids vomiting or getting hit in the nuts, this one is good.

3) The Most Beautiful Things – I like this one because it’s kind of positive, for a change. It was fun to write and to pull seemingly random instances out of the air to comment on. I stand firmly by each of the things on this list being totally awesome.

2) The Moody Blues – This was a guide to feeling better that I wrote as I was preparing to move home after college. It’s still pretty true, and if you’re ever down in the proverbial dumps, taking any random entry from that list and doing it will suddenly rescue an otherwise shitty day.

1) The Embarrassing One – Everyone gets a kick out of reading about the stupid shit in which other people step. It’s a fact of life–it’s okay to laugh at someone when that someone isn’t you. Well, here’s an opportunity for you to laugh at me. A list of the most embarrassing moments I’ve ever had. Oh, and before you read it and point and laugh, I’ve got something to say to you. Fuck you.

Now you can “neener neener nee-ner” me all you want.