The Top Ten Bands You Like That Suck

Hello, faithless readers. Welcome to another episode of “It’s Your Life,” the blog where I speak without cessation about all things me. I hope you’re as excited as I am about reading more about my boring life. Okay, let’s stop fondling each other’s genitals and get to the main (inter)course, shall we?

I spoke to my dear friend Jet yesterday, who had a lot of good news to report. She and her man Christopher have decided to tie the proverbial knot! Supposedly, I was the one who put them in touch with one another, so I guess that’s pretty cool. I was supposed to hang out with Christopher and his awesome band (The Conformists) when I was in St. Louis but a fatal accident on I-94 when I was leaving Chicago totally screwed up that day’s plans. As I sat in traffic in 106 degree heat, I called Jet and asked that she e-mail Christopher to see if he could set something up for another day. After that initial exchange they kept in contact and WHAM, look at the results! I guess I’ll be going out to Chicago again in the near future.

THE TOP TEN BANDS YOU LIKE THAT SUCK
(using TheFacebook.com’s “Top Ten Trendy Bands”):

10) Fall Out Boy – I can’t say I’ve heard more than one of this band’s songs. I’m pretty sure their name is a Simpson’s reference, which would be much more respectible if their music was worthy of any respect… But it’s not, and they sound like upper middle class white boys whining about varsity cheerleaders and how they’re such losers. What I love about bands like this, as well as Good Charlotte, My Chemical Romance and all those shitty bands is, ten years from now you’ll talk about their sound the same way we talk about shitty glam rock in the 80′s. The parallel’s are astounding (overproduced, cheesy lyrics, too put-together looking).

9) Sublime – The thing about Sublime is, they put out like three stupid albums and then some guy died and all of a sudden it was alright to listen to shitty ska punk from California. Ironically, they weren’t a hit until their third album was released… two weeks after the guy died of a heroin overdose. Since his whole life was dedicated to pawning off black reggae artists, you’d think maybe he’d choose crack, or Islam or something… not H. I can’t for the life of me understand what’s appealing about this music, but I Sometimes wonder what sucked more for that guy: dying, or being in Sublime?

8) Incubus – Their entire career can be summed up in one sentence: Pot smoking nu-metal band get plugs for ears, buy an 8-minute abs tape and switch their sound to girly arena rock. The long haired dude stands on stage with his eyes closed and his shirt off “crooning” but it still sounds like he’s trying to pass a stone or something. Remember in your high school there was the kid who for two years was super fat, but then got hooked on Stacker and started acting out in class, suddenly becoming cool? That’s Incubus, only without the “becoming cool” part.

7) Maroon 5 – Can someone please tell me the difference between this group and Jamiroquai? They both dance around like kids at a special olympics benefit to awful pop music. I mean, I’ve never actually heart a Maroon 5 song, but all the clips I see of them when I’m flipping around the television have some Jew in a hat trying to groove like he’s actually got rhythm. They put out a bunch of crap albums, then they finally put out an album that received a lot of label support and promotion, and they’re still touring on it like four years later. Write a new song already… And don’t make this one blow so hard, ya queers!

6) The Killers – Synth-Pop died with Depeche Mode. Let’s keep it that way. Please, for the love of God, stop wearing makeup. Is that this band? Is this the one that’s always wearing makeup? I don’t know, I couldn’t tell you one of their songs (or what they look like, other than they probably wear suits) if you offered me a million dollars. Not listening to FM radio will do that to you, after a while.

5) Green Day – Grasping at straws, trying to find some semblance of what first made them appealing and cool back in the early 90′s, but trying to spin it with an air of “we’re older and more political, now!” That’s Green Day. And it’s fucking awful. Sometimes you just have to know when to call it quits. After Dookie came out, that would have been a good time.

4) The Beatles – “The Beatles were a great rock ’n’ roll band except they couldn’t sing, play their instruments, or keep a beat. Despite claims of being a “working-class hero” after he’d salted away millions, and in spite of his prophet-of-peace shtick even though he was an overweening sourpuss who couldn’t even get along with his bandmates or wives, this sanctimonious junkie [John Lennon] is still embraced as a beacon of childlike truth-seeking. He was shot dead by precisely the sort of true believer his massive ego helped spawn. His murderer, Mark David Chapman, reportedly used to lead schoolchildren in singing a parody of his hero’s signature song: ‘Imagine there’s no John Lennon.’ It wasn’t hard to do.” – Thanks, Jim Goad!

3) Jack Johnson – If you’re talking about Miles Davis’s Tribute to Jack Johnson, that’s one thing. If you’re talking about that mellow island songster with a heart of gold, then you need to start a bonfire with his records and find something new to devote your life to. I hate his kind of music, it’s for pussies. I hate everything he stands for, because he co-opted it (and that’s a nice way of saying he stole it) from a different culture that he will never ever be a part of, no matter how much plastic surgery he gets.

2) Coldplay – Dear Chris Martin, you already ripped of Thom Yorke’s music (and his wasn’t even that great to begin with, except two albums in the middle years), please stop trying to steal his “look at me, I’m political about America from afar!” shtick, too. Your dumb wife has bad teeth and she’s not as erudite as she tries to make us think by dressing in long black dresses and looking fey. Please stop wailing over terribly structured gay pop songs, you sound like dying babies.

1) Dave Matthews Band – It’s like I always say, “You are what you dump on tourists from the Kinzie Street Bridge!” This is the best case of pulling the wool over the eyes of non-music fans I have ever encountered. As you’ve probably noticed, nobody who likes DMB really likes music very much at all. They’re just at his concerts because everyone else who looks like they do shows up… if it wasn’t so nauseating it’d be a brilliant money-stealing ploy, perpetrated by an overweight South African goon who sings like a retarded baby seal being clubbed.