The Top Ten Reasons You’re Getting Drunk This Weekend

I spent the morning archiving old recordings from Studio Evan Studios 1 sessions. Some of them sound really good.

Let’s Wait for Jack to Get Back (featuring Ilya on drums, Ian on bass, me on guitar, Jack on guitar)
Melt Face/It Came from Above (featuring Ilya on percussion, Ian on effects, me on bass/vocals)

I got a nice package from Needle Doctor today, my new phono cartridge (which I’ve already masturbated over twice because it sounds so good) and an anti-static brush. Supposedly all the nerds are really into keeping records clean, whereas I have just been into amassing as many records as possible. I’m up around 300 now, if you’re keeping track at home.

TOP TEN REASONS YOU’RE GETTING DRUNK THIS WEEKEND

10) Your girlfriend just dumped you – Get over it, guy! I heard this statistic about how the average human (animals and aliens notwithstanding) changes careers seven times in their lifetime. The same should hold true for sexual partners. You just don’t know which one you want to commit to until you’ve had time to sample what’s out there. My suggestion? Stick with the one that pays the best.

9) Your job sucks – Well, you’re stupid for having a job in the first place.

8) Your girlfriend hasn’t dumped you – I know… Relationships are double-edged daggers of death that stab you any which way you hold them. I don’t want to use the “running with scissors” cliche because starting a relationship is more like choosing to stab yourself repeatedly as opposed to possibly stabbing yourself due to carelessness. So, great. You’ve got a girlfriend. Now you’ve got to deal with it, and soon enough it’s going to lead you to drink very heavily. Especially if you have a hot girlfriend, because you’ve then you’ve got the added stress of keeping an eye out everywhere you go to make sure no one else is hitting on her.

7) Your (insert family member here) died – Whatever. Did they leave you anything of value that you can pawn? That’s the most important issue at hand here. By the way, I spoke to your (insert family member here) last week and they told me they hated you. And now you can’t apologize because dead people can’t even hear apologies.

6) Some guy wants to kick your ass – You probably deserve it, and I hope he films it and uploads it to youtube.com

5) You want to impress a girl – Contrary to popular belief, girls ARE impressed by slovenly, disgusting males executing ridiculous drinking moves like the “shotgun” and the “beer bong.” When a girl sees a man exhibiting callous disregard for his heath, she picks up on the inherent sense of danger and it makes their pussy pucker like a kissy face. Why do you think the frat boys at your shitty liberal arts college got laid ten times as much as you did? Was it because of their ready access to GHB? No… It was because they had the guts to put their life on the line to impress a chick, and they’re winning at life. You’re losing. Ilya points out, “the caveat in that scenario is the girls are drunk and are impressed by just about anything. So really, the point is to get her drunk and do something she’ll like on a purely animalistic level.” If Ilya knows anything, it’s how to take advantage of a drunk girl. High five!

4) You’re new in town – Yeah, okay. And you think that’s where the cool people hang out? At a bar? What, you’re going to meet a girl and fall in love at the bar? After a lot of drinks and a few improvised drunken maneuvers, chances are good that your dick wont really work anyway! Why the hell don’t girls realize that drinking and smoking actually shrink a dick by hardening blood vessels, etc… Look, you’re new in town so I’m going to say this nice and easy: Go back to wherever you came from, fucksnout.

3) Your parents beat you – Well then you got off easy. They shouldn’t have stopped until your breathing ceased. You probably deserved it.

2) You made a fool of yourself – What are you, Bright Eyes? Quit being so fucking emotional and make a joke about your error instead of cowering in a corner booth downing shots of whiskey. Now you’ve pretty much doubled your level of depravity. Not only are you the guy who broke the company fax machine and screamed “fuck!” in front of the boss, you’re also the guy who had to get his stomach pumped because he can’t handle even the slightest amount of stress or anxiety.

1) Because… What else are you going to do? – That’s the only viable excuse. The truth is, people drinking because they find it hard to operate in a social setting without a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Why don’t you do something more constructive with your time instead of following the rest of the sheep out to the taproom tonight?

Post Script: If you’re down for getting wicked drunk and listening to me blabber on at great length about anything at all really, you should come hang out tonight at Hop Devil Grill @ 129 St. Marks Place. You don’t even have to pay me to hear me speak literally everything that passed through my mind! Fuck anyone who says, “nobody cool drinks above 6th street.”