The Top Ten Worst Haircuts I Could Find Right Now

Hello, invisible Interweb friends. Congratulations on suffering through your respective jobs to the end of another week. I had the day off, so I thought it would be nice to clean myself up and get a haircut. Unfortunately, no one informed me that the place I go to raised the price of a haircut to the are-you-fucking-kidding-me cost of $30. After successfully convincing the cashier I was a poor, useless bastard they cut five dollars off my bill. Thanks a lot, pricks!

The best part is, I got home and looked at myself in the mirror and almost cried. How I looked was how Robert Deniro looked in The Godfather Part II, only my Jew-locks refused to lay flat against my head and instead rose up over my freakish cranium like an army advancing on my forehead. It’s pretty hard to describe, but the image of me staring blankly into a mirror with a trembling lower lip should suffice. Like France, I wanted to just lay down and surrender on the cold marble floor. Instead, an eerie calm washed over me as I tore off all my clothes and reached for the buzz-clippers I keep stored in the closet. Without hesitation I ran the fuck through my hair until my head was in shambles. My sister stopped in (after I put on a pair of shorts to cover my hideous nude figure) to say it looked good, and I laughed in her stupid face. Too bad it’s not cold enough outside to justify wearing a snow cap.

It’s Friday, here’s a weekly top ten that was inspired by my day:

THE TOP TEN TEN WORST HAIRCUTS I COULD FIND RIGHT NOW:

[picture lost] If you can’t see too well, that little shit has “Titanic 1912″ shaved into the side of his head, and in the reflection of the mirror you can see a boat breaking in half, sinking into the kid’s neckline. I’d make a joke about his eyes being slanted, but that would be racist and I am not a racist. Nevertheless, this is proof that Asian kids are smarter than American kids. They’re also much uglier.

Nobody really wants their hair to go gray. It makes you look like you’re a few years from a coronary and you can’t get any of the young pussy anymore because you remind girls too much of “daddy.” I’d milk this out a little longer, but I’m having trouble deciding whether that’s a male or a female and quite frankly it’s making me feel a little queasy.

[picture lost] “Hello. My name is Sharmel. I would like my hair styled to look like I was caught in a squall and someone dropped a puppy out of their apartment window onto my head.”

Maybe when you’re working at Best Buy or Jack in the Box, this is considered looking conservative. Where I come from, this style (and I use that word loosely) is called the You’re-never-getting-laid, no-not-ever.

[picture lost] Thanks a lot, James Iha.

[picture lost] Somewhere in the heartland, this kid’s mother is stewing silently over the fact that she could’ve had an abortion, but it went against her religious beliefs. Now she’s thirty-eight, doing nothing at home all day and wondering if there even is a God.

“Last night Billybob and Ah were watchin’ Friends on the TV, and that Rachel had her hair blown out reeeaal purrdy like. Welp, Ah’ll be danged if Ah didn’t hop in mah car this mornin’ and head on over to the barber shop to copy that girl! Ah think it turned out good, too! Whatdaya think?”

[picture lost] “Well, what style are you looking for?”
“I don’t know, just give me the gay British professor.”
Is that an oxymoron?

Everyone knows a kid growing up who’s father is way cooler than their own. Unfortunately, as you get older you come to realize that the kid’s father isn’t so much cool as he is stuck in an unending mid-life crisis, clinging to an image that he is beyond incapable of achieving. It’s like in the movies when a girl gets stood up at her wedding and crazily decides to never remove her dress. He’s that deranged and lost. He’s also probably a closet case.

[picture lost] Although I get a lot of shit for it, I still stand firmly by my belief that fat people just shouldn’t leave the house.

Evan