DENOUEMENT

“Mr. Speaker, The President of the….Blog…thing.”

“My fellow readers. It has been a long march, these last 365 days since I became your elected representative. I have done my best to perform the duties you expected of me–talking about me, at great length, about any damn thing I like. Since I opened my investiture with the lone phrase, ‘hello world, this could be the start of a beautiful felationship [sic], ” you and I together have traveled the country, brainstormed some brilliant (and some not so brilliant) ideas for movies, songs and books. Together, you and I, we’ve probably done a good deal of thinking…about me. And the state of me is GOOD.”

[partisan crowd cheer]

“Now, I don’t know what the future holds for us here at Communications Major / English Minor, but I have some ideas about how we can make this blog the place to congregate and learn about all things me. It might seem at the outset like a tall order, but I have faith that–with your continued readership–we can make this the best damn Evan LeVine related website on the entire Internets!”

[standing ovation]

“I come to work every day and I count the number of visitors this site receives. On day one, eight people came to this page. I was three of them, Ilya was one, Ian was two, and probably some girl I had a crush on was one. Today I look and I see an average of one-hundred and seventy-five visitors a day. In the past three months, our readership has increased twenty-five percent, one-hundred percent and one-hundred fifty percent respectively. If we continue on this path, we will be reaching one thousand households per day in a matter of months. Jesus Christ–don’t people have better things to do with their time?”

[partisan bickering]

“To achieve this goal we have some very simple plans that we plan on rolling out in the future, perhaps as soon as the next few weeks. For starters, more media. It’s obvious that the more media content I post, the more people show up–whether it’s one of those MP3 things the kids are playing on their portable Klingklang machines, or a video of my friend and I while we’re trashed in my basement, it doesn’t really matter–on those days, our traffic increases. The Sunday Mixtapes will continue. The layout and color scheme will change. Headlines and titles will change. Perhaps updates will be outsourc- no wait, that’s a bad word…Guest-writers will perform updates. This is going to become a communal affair. And I’m going to find a way to make some money off of this thing.”

[half the crowd stands for an ovation]

“Yes, the state of our Blog is good. With some big projects in the near future, some more trips planned, and an endless supply of rants against ‘the man’ in store for readers, why wouldn’t you want to visit this page twenty times per day? Sure there are other Evan LeVine related webpages out there (damn you Google cache! I thought all those things would disappear once I deleted them), but none of them will warm your heart and arouse your genitals more than this one. And, after all, that’s what we’re trying to achieve here. A big, massive, blood orgy.”

[standing ovation]

“Now, let’s go eat some cupcakes and take some polls to see how my approval rating is doing!”

“It’s…a…very…cutesey…idea” – Ilya Malinsky [edited slightly for content]

“A two-bit romp that a toddler could’ve written with a broken crayon on a piece of dark orange construction paper.” – Ian Weinberger

“This piece of shit is a blog that achieves greatness in the mundane” – Nat Baruch

“Evarn is rearry, rearry going praces. Genius!” – Some Asian Guy

“We loved it!” – Some Set of Twins

“What? Sorry–I was lost in thought.” – Dan Zlotsky