Top Ten Crap ’90s Alternative Rock Bands

Last night Ken and Z and Ian came over to make a ruckus in the studio. The music wasn’t all that interesting, but there were some cool moments when Z’s record of explosions and machine gun fire sound effects would peak and sound like we were jamming on a military base. Constant jet engine noises and fly-overs.

So, it’s Friday. I hope you have weekend plans. I sure do! I’m not used to this whole having plans thing, where I have to go out and whatnot, but it keeps me busy. In any event, here’s your weekly Top Ten. Whereas normally the ranking of 10 to 1 is significant, in these week’s list it means nothing. All these bands suck really, really hard.

TOP TEN CRAP ’90s ALTERNA-ROCK BANDS!

Honorable Mention: Smashing Pumpkins (for making it okay to boast a singer that can’t sing), Stone Temple Pilots (for “Sex Type Thing”), Soul Asylum (for selling out after their Twin Tone albums), Marcy Playground (for…you know…), Smash Mouth (for being fat and for sucking), Presidents of the United States of America (for making it okay to be gimimcky)…the list goes on and on and on. The ’90s were a long decade.

10) Gin Blossoms – These guys sure are bippidy-boppidy for a bunch of mopers (They did name their “hit” album New Miserable Experience)! Their brand of distopian tunes isn’t going save these long-haired nerds from the dustbin of the alternative era. “Hey Jealousy” is like an anthem for suburban youth caked in dog shit and set ablaze on the doorstep of a cranky old fart by a misanthropic wild child [note: no, I don't know what that means]. The opening to “Found About You” is all twangy, like, “doo doo da noo na noo doo doo da noo na ba da doo” and it feels like a reel, but instead of an instructor dictating dance steps, it’s some elementary school teacher wearing a mock-turtleneck, talking about stalking some ugly chick that walked out on him. Infectiously poppy? Yes. Gay as all hell? Yes.

9) Better Than Ezra - A lot of times, a journalist will call a band “quirky” when they can’t think of just the right word to describe a sound. In instances such as these, a more apt descriptor–perhaps “retarded”–would suffice. This band had a song called “Rosalia” that I guess was popular when it came out in 1995, but it’s basically a downtempo version of that Blues Traveler song “Run Around” with stupid vocals delivered by an even stupider waste of a Jew-fro. They also had that song “Good” that went: “HA HO IT WAS GOOOOOD A WIVVLE WILLY WHA HO IT WAS A GOOD A WIVVIE WILLY WHA HO!” Oh, “maybe you’ll call or write me a letter?” Whoa…let’s not move to fast here, you should focus on writing a good song, first.

8) Cracker – I had this friend Mike in high school, and he had an immense collection of computer porn that he would download on AOL. Well, one of his favorite videos was this gangbang that had an alterna-rock song for a soundtrack. He loved that song so much he plugged its lyrics into a search engine, found out it who wrote it, went to the mall, and purchased the album. That song was Cracker’s “Nothing to Believe In.” Most people know them for the song “Low,” which vehemently swore that “being low” was a synonym for being high, as is evident in the singer’s ascertation that, “TA BE WITH YOU GIRL, IS LIKE BEING LOW” was like, well, “HEY, HEY, HEY, LIKE BEIN’ STONED.”

7) Toad the Wet Sprocket – “All I Want” features such cavernous echo on the singer’s vocals he’s must have recorded it by singing up inside someone’s ass. The obligatory alterna-bridge features some strained yelping, and transitions nicely into a dirty-sounding guitar solo that fizzles (it certainly doesn’t scream) “wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaah wah who hoooo hooo.” The other song was the slightly more downtrodden, equally as queer “Walk on the Ocean.” You know it, it’s the one that goes, “WALK ON THE OCEAN, STEP ON THE STOOOONES, [SOMETHING] BECOMES WATER, [SOMETHING] BECOMES [SOMETHING].” Their music is the very definition of schmaltzy pap that’s so dainty you would be brutalized and left for dead just for singing it in public. And you’d deserve it, too.

6) Ben Folds Five – Piano? As a lead instrument? That just screams “middle-class upbringing.” Awful songs, too. Whenever you combine a piano with mature subject matter like abortion, or being middle-class, you get one middle-class wuss wearing a turtleneck creating completely bland music intended for an audience of more middle-class wusses. Not many people know this, but after he finished sucking with his band, Mr. Ben Folds went on to release a few solo albums that managed to suck, each one more than the last.

5) Sponge – Hit songs included “Plowed” and “Molly ((Sixteen Candles)( down the DRAAAAAAAAAAAAIN)).” Let’s focus on dissecting that song “Plowed.” Feedback. Ascending octaves. Punk-y drum beat and steady bassline. Post-grunge guitar riff, frontman with earings “singing” unintelligibly, except for something about “human wreckage” and other being “plowed into the sun” (what the fuck?). And what is it about those backing vocals on the “say a prayer for me” part? Sounds like a wet fart. The guitar solo sounds like what you hear when you walk into a Guitar Center and the dude in the black shirt with long hair goes, “this triple rectifier totally wails! Here check this out…”

4) Alice in Chains – I think we were all taken aback by the sudden death of what’s-his-name via drug overdose (or was it a bear mauling? I have a hard time remembering). Nevertheless, it is NOT okay to give this band a “pass” because they had the misfortune of someone dying. They were the first band to use the deep voice set against slow sludgy riff technique. Hence, they are responsible for spawning bands like Creed. That, my friends, supersedes tragedy. The real disaster here is that thankfully it ended before an even worse generation of bands could site Alice in Chains as an influence.

3) The Verve Pipe – “For the life of me… I can not remember… What made anyone think this crap was actually worth listening to…” No, you can’t chalk up owning this record to being a naive freshman. I liken The Verve Pipe to a new strain bacteria. The Center for Disease Control neglects to issue a public health warning when this bacteria turns out to be a new virus. “Oh, it’ll never find it’s way to America” they scoff, only to see it mutate into a super-virus that wipes out millions of people. The super-virus, of course, is Nickelback.

2) Pearl Jam – For influencing #1 to start a band…

1) Candlebox – “Far Behind” is the most annoying song I’ve ever heard in my entire life. That fucking lead guitar “weew na weew” lick. Not only that, it’s roughly eighty minutes long. Seriously, I think they return to the chorus twenty-five times in a row at the end of the song. Just…end…already.

“AH NOW MAY AYE AYE AYE AYE BEH. DIDN’T MEAN TO TREATCHOO OH SO BAD! BUT AH DID IT ANYWAY NO SEH MA HYEY YEY YEY YEY YEH… SOME SAY YOU LEFT WITH WHATCHOO HAD…BUT YOU COULDN’T STAND THE PAIN NA NA NA NOW!”

Seriously. It’s enough to make a kid blow his brains out–which is exactly what each of the members of Candlebox should have done.