Top Ten Of Gross!

Hi. I’m hungover. Very hungover. Bearing this in mind, my weekly Top Ten is devoted to all things gross. I don’t mean like “the smell of vomit” gross, I mean like everyday things we experience or with which we come in contact. No, I’m not going to be snarky and put “MTV” as number one. You’ll just have to read for yourself how to make me gag the next time we’re hanging out. Those of you with weak stomachs, feel free to skip today’s entry.

Top Ten Of Gross!

10) Brown bananas – This is very basic, but I chose it because its the epitome of my fickle eating habits. Also, I got yelled at today because there’s been a banana sitting out for a few days and I just announced that I have no intention of eating it. Food in general grosses me out a lot: looking at or eating cold food makes me ill, juice disgusts me, almost any sauce or dressing, and most vegetables and fruits make me sour. Also, I’m always convinced bread is moldy and everything is expired. There are so many ways a person can get sick from eating bad food, I’m just trying to avoid that in a perfectly (ab)normal way.

9) The throat cancer commercial – I guess this will be the last reference I make to this commercial, which I’ve been scouring the Internet for all week but have not found. It goes like this: there’s footage of an old and fat Hispanic guy with a moustache showering, with a medical napkin around his neck, then he’s looking in the mirror delicately swabbing a giant hole in his throat. All the while, he’s talking through a cancer kazoo (with a Spanish accent that sounds sort-of hilarious, actually) about how if water gets in the hole he can die, and how this is all because he was a smoker. The famous last line, “Nothing will never be the same again,” is what haunts me most.

8) Amusement Park rides – I’ve been on maybe five roller coasters, and a few other “thrill rides,” but I don’t see the point in them. Plus, why does it always work out that everyone wants ride the Exterminator right after we’ve finished our chili cheese dogs and ice cream? It’s not the most pleasant feeling in the world, and whereas your typical thrill-seeker might experience a rush of adrenalin and euphoria, I only experience an inability to keep my eyes open (due to an influx of air to the eyeballs, not fear) and nervousness over losing the contents of whatever happens to be in my pockets at the time.

7) STD Day in health class – No joke, I am so sickened by deformed genitals and disease ridden flesh, that when I was a sophomore in college I actually forced myself to go to class on days when I was sick so that I had my two available sick days saved for the days on the syllabus dedicated to STD awareness and prevention lectures.

6) Soup/cereal slurping – As if my own aversion to food wasn’t enough, I even force others to adhere to my standards while we’re eating. Certain family members and friends, I’ve pretty much stopped dining with after prolonged exposure to their unsavory eating habits. Not to name names, but…when my father and sister order Chinese food I’ll move to another room until they’ve finished their chicken soup with rice.

5) Videotaped sports injuries – I had a cast-iron stomach as a child. I could watch surgery, slasher flicks and the discovery channel with minimal disgust. I used to steal my mother’s textbook that she bought when she was being certified as an EMT and show my friends pictures of exposed entrails, impaled patients and more. I even liked those “faces of death” websites. But then something changed, and now the thought of those shock-sites and medical imagery freak me out. I don’t mind it on television or film because I know it’s not real, but…yeah. Sports injuries usually make me shift in my seat. Like that long-jumper whose shin bone busted through his leg when on landing, Sid Vicious experiencing “leg trauma” rattle me.

4) Handling wet money – I work in retail. I can’t stand it when customers come in and reach into the pockets and dig around only to present me with sopping wet dollar bills. It’s so awful, it makes me want to spit in their faces and blow my nose in their clothes. How the hell can someone have so little respect for the cashier! That’s so sick, what the hell!

3) Bathtub drain cleaning – For all the hilarious moments I had living with Gregg at Muhlenberg, having one shower in the apartment wasn’t that cool. Especially since Gregg’s metal ‘do often left the drain clogged. Sometimes he was good about cleaning it (after all, when it’s your own filth, it’s not disgusting, it’s a part of you!), but once in a while he’d leave early for the weekend and I’d have to delay my morning shower by dry-heaving my way through using half a roll of wadded-up toilet paper to clean the drain.

2) Public restroom doorknobs – Public restrooms are filthy, and I don’t know anyone (who’s not using them for drug use) that finds them to be peaceful and beautiful. Fine, I can deal with a half-flushed toilet or puke-stained seat. I can deal with overflowing urinals and sticky floors. What I can’t deal with is the doorknob. Even when there’s ample soap and paper towels, I still have to use my shirt sleeve to let myself out of the room.

1) Doctors / Dentists – It’s not that anything about them is necessarily gross, it’s more of an anxiety problem. Although, having to sit with your mouth open while someone explores your gums isn’t at all comfortable. Plus, there’s always people sicker than you in the doctor’s office waiting room, and the not-so-subtle din of dentist drills filtering through the walls. Understandably, these environments are supposed to appear sterile and clean. Sorry, I don’t buy it. I see it with CSI-style camera techniques, where every strand of DNA is visible. So gross, these little worlds (wards) of sickness!

np : Nick Cave – City of Refuge

PS – Jack is not making episode 13 of his podcast available for download, but he made this special little ad/teaser that he wanted me to share. I think he’s planning on including the episode in the wild 3-CD box set he’s made of the entire series. For more information, look at his MySpace or his blog.