This body has responded quite well under my new regimen. I feel healthy and upbeat. My sleep pattern has also improved. Unfortunately, I sporadically fall into old habits, and my routine is compromised. This leads to fallout, like insomnia and sickness. Luckily for you, my renowned and brilliant mind has the capacity to turn sleeplessness into productivity. For example. Here’s an excerpt from a several-hour free-write that I recently scribed while laying in bed restlessly with the radio buzzing.
“I really need to get a new radio. I’ve had this one since middle school and I’ve always hated it. If I accidentally press “sleep” when I’m trying to set the alarm — which I do often — it sets itself for fifty-nine minutes of radio play. Then I have to manually tap the “sleep” button fifty-nine times until the timer counts down to zero, which takes about thirty minutes. What time is it anyway? Don’t look. Focus on the notebook. Don’t look. Focus on the notebook. Four-forty-six. The sun should come up soon. How do the newspapers know exactly when it will be sunrise and sunset? Is it a science? If it’s not officially it’s own science, it should be one. I’d like to come up with my own science. Is knowing what’s on TV a science? Would I have to be able to know exactly which episode of CSI is on SPIKE tomorrow night at seven o’clock in order to be considered a scientist? Why do television channels choose such arbitrary and stupid names? Oxygen? Bravo? Fox News? Who comes up with that? Are there media outlets that employ people just to name them? How much does it pay? I could use that kind of job, I think it’d be easy. I’d name my television channel “Bogus” or “Dry” or “Mace” or something. Those are pretty good names. God, I’m not going to have a job next month. I’m not going to have a weekly paycheck and health-care. What the hell am I doing? I need to send out more inquiries about the book. I’ve got three more agents’ names from acquaintances. How does someone become an agent? It’s all connections, isn’t it? You know someone with a lot of money and then you get the monied person to commit money to a person without money, but with an idea or skill that can potentially earn everyone more money. I never understood why athletes need agents. If I was an athlete, I’d just say, “These are my stats. Here’s the number of t-shirts and jerseys bearing my name that have sold. Here are the salaries of people worse than me. I want this much money.” Isn’t that basically what an agent does? What power does the guy in the suit with no athletic ability have that the skilled professional doesn’t have? I find the whole thing to be abrading. It vexes me. See, my vocabulary isn’t so bad. I don’t care what anyone says. I’m a smart guy. I graduated with honors. I should be more confident. I should wear cologne, or a tank-top. Now that’s confidence. That’s motherfucking confidence. Tank-tops. I have Benadryl, or a free trial package of Ambien that I could take, but I don’t want to. I’m not going to take the easy way out because I’ll become dependent. I’ve been taking the easy way out of everything for as long as I can remember. Does anyone ever take the hard way out? If you don’t take the easy way out of a situation are you, by default, taking the hard way out? I don’t think so, because a situation could always be made harder. Just because I’m not taking pills to sleep doesn’t mean I’m taking the hard way out. Getting in my car and driving to Atlantic City would be a harder way out than laying here writing. Drinking a two-liter bottle of soda would be a harder way out, too. Who comes up with these expressions? Can I claim an expression as my own? I’ve always liked the expression, “the road less traveled.” I think I’m going to start telling people that I invented it. Is that one too obvious? Maybe I should use a more obscure one, like, “jack of all trades,” or “my lips are sealed.” I bet I could get away with that. Next time I see a cute girl I’m going to tell her I was the first person to use the expression, “beat a dead horse.”
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