A return to the daily routine. Work-out, shower, go out for lunch, file for unemployment, call Santa Monica to contest a parking ticket. And that’s all I’ve done today. The remainder of this afternoon will be spent sending out e-mails to potential literary agents, and potential employers. Sure, it all sounds glorious, but really my life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s mostly tabloid lies, except for my all-carb diet. That one’s for real, yo.
Just to clarify, I just ended a thought with the word, “yo.” I think I can retire from blogging now.
Speaking of my eating habits…call me old-fashioned, but I had no idea a “buffalo-style chicken finger submarine sandwich” was an out-of-date lunch item. Sorry, Wegmans. I guess I’m just not hip enough to eat in your establishment. Also, what’s with your keeping tabs on all your customers? How do you know I’m ordering for take-out? Maybe I’m just saying I’m going to take-out, but really I’m going to go sit upstairs and watch the high school girl behind the cash register from afar. You like to think you know all my moves, Wegmans, but you don’t know the first thing about me. So before you boldly claim that my sole purpose is to buy my totally passe meal and hit the road, chew on this: maybe I’m not?
Their receipt aside, Wegmans is an otherworldly experience. On the sliding scale that is my rating system, I rate this soup/sandwich combo: four lavender bananas.
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Oh, and also, NBC’s “Deal Or No Deal” is the most racist show on television. Last week one of Ilya’s roommates pointed out that all the white, blond girls were paired with suitcases containing “small money,” and the less-attractive, dark-skinned girls were paired with “big money” suitcases. I guess NBC’s theory is, when audiences receive good news, it should come from a hot white bitch, and when they want people to get upset or angry, better the bad news should come from someone who isn’t Caucasian. We watched for fifteen minutes, and successfully predicted (with an almost 100% accuracy) how much money was in each suitcase. Early Saturday morning when I couldn’t sleep, I caught an re-run on CNBC. Exact same results. Out of the all the suitcases the contestant had to choose from (15? 20?), I was only wrong twice. You heard it here first (okay, second—Ilya’s roommate was first): DEAL OR NO DEAL IS THE MOST RACIST SHOW ON TV.
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