Ah, Friday night in Los Angeles. I go to see Lavender Diamond and Dntel at Amoeba (neither of whom were interesting, but more that in a moment), try to make plans, get stood up/fallen asleep on, try to make other plans, stand someone up/fall asleep on them. Is this the flakiest city in the world? Mmm…I’ll get back to you on that one.
So yeah. That Lavender Diamond…they had a mellow vibe but that was about it. Man, can that crunchy singer-girl banter between songs. The only problem was, all she wanted to talk about was world peace and saving the environment. She told the crowd we were, “doing our part,” whatever that means, and then she announced they were going to play a song about murdering Planet Earth, to which I almost shouted back, “There’s no place for ‘Planet Earth’ in Rock ‘N’ Roll!”
Tonight I’m going to a Japanese-themed vegan birthday party. I hope the food options aren’t all green in color. I’m averse to eating anything green. It makes me think of bile and vomit. See, you learn something new about me every day.
Now here’s the news!
• According to a recent published study (so you know it’s legit), people tallying more than five oral-sex partners in their lifetime are 250% more likely to get throat cancer than people who do not engage in such (wonderful!) activities. Well, that’s a bit frightening. When you grow up in a predominantly Jewish neighborhood like I did, the girls are taught (probably by their yenta mothers) not to give their bodies away to boys, but instead give their mouths away. This lead to a pandemic in high school where girls would blow eight or nine guys a weekend and go home still feeling like chaste princesses. And though many men reaped the rewards of this home-schooling technique, we’re probably going to pay for it later in life with our blood. And our voice boxes. Nothing will ever be the same again. [story]
• Ever heard of that “Don’t Drink And Drive” campaign? Now states are starting to ban sending text messages while driving. Jesus Christ, people, what’s next? No more eating and driving? No more handjobs while driving? Forget it. I’m just going to bike everywhere from now on. [story]
• Here’s a funny story from a sports blog. A bunch of hecklers go to a Cleveland Indians baseball game and ride Blue Jay’s centerfielder Vernon Wells throughout the game. Whereas most players would respond with a smile or tip of their cap to the offending party, Wells decided to take matters into his own hands. He personalized a ball with a long-winded message and threw it into the middle of the crowd in the general area of the hecklers. The classy message he sends to the perpetrators is one of the most immature comebacks I’ve ever heard, but I’ve seen Vernon Wells on Baseball Tonight enough times to know he’s an intelligent and classy person. He just should have written something more caustic on the ball. Be vulgar, man. Act like a ballplayer, not a pansy. [story]
• Oh boy, did I get off the east coast at just the right time. According to a computer model (which is highly disputed, but leave that to CNN to ignore), in 2080 the eastern U.S. will have an average daily temperature in the low-to-mid 90s during the summer months. Well, I’ll be long dead by then, so I don’t really care. But what I do care about is that picture of the guy dumping the bottle of water on his head. If I look like that when I’m in my 40s, I hope one you kills me. [story]
• Any story related to Carl Sagan is cool by me. [story]
• In a shocking revelation straight outta the late ’90s, The Sun has declared that the cassette tape is now (finally) dead. Why did it take so long? Because some electronics retailer in the UK that I’ve never heard of has decided to stop selling tapes. Well, that makes sense, but who gives a shit about the UK? We’ve got plenty of uses for cassette tapes in America, why don’t you come on over to our side of the pond and learn a bit about retail. My favorite part of the story is when they take a paragraph to explain to younger readers what a cassette tape is. They don’t even mention the fact that buying blank tapes was useful for hundreds of different reasons. They weren’t JUST for listening to music, you know…Also, they think the answering machine, the fax machine, and the watch are all doomed. Oh, really? That’s some cutting edge journalism right there! Ah, The Sun. Telling us useless shit we could care less about and passing it off as important news. Do you think it occurred to anyone at The Sun that a piece about the current state of the cassette tape, including their various modern day uses, would be far more interesting than declaring a product–which is still alive–dead? [story]
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