Loading ...From Letters To The Editor To Federal Lawsuits
By Evan ~ August 18th, 2007. Filed under: world news.
I’ve written a lot of zany letters before. I’m still waiting for that first elusive publication in a national magazine, but I’ve managed to send quite an array of notes to various corporations in the past few years when disappointed with their products. There was my letter to Nestle about the “fun size” Butterfinger Crisp bar I purchased that contained nary a Butterfinger Crisp. There were also letters to Heinz Ketchup (for apparently discontinuing their Kickrz ketchup/Tabasco combination), JP Morgan Chase (for profiling against me in my attempt to secure a new credit card with rewards program), the SOLO straw & cup company (for selling me a package of deformed straws), and 711 (their nacho cheese isn’t nearly as good as the nacho cheese at the movie theater). Some of my complaints were even greeted with responses (a voucher for free Butterfingers Crisps, a JP Morgan Chase credit card). I must admit, in my years as a consumer advocate (is it okay to give myself that title?) the thought of bringing lawsuits against people for completely frivolous purposes has never crossed my mind.
The same cannot be said for Jonathan Lee Riches, a federal prisoner serving time in South Carolina for fraud, who has filed seventeen federal complaints against individuals since January of 2006. Recently Riches sued Michael Vick for $63 billion dollars, for stealing his dogs, selling them on eBay, and using the proceeds to buy weapons from Iran. His most recent lawsuit is against baseball’s Home Run King* Barry Bonds. The complaint has been published by The Smoking Gun.
In this most recent lawsuit, Riches (who submits his alias as “The White Suge Knight”) names Barry Bonds, baseball commissioner Bud Selig, and Hank Aaron’s baseball bat as defendants. The complaints raised against the defendants are hysterical and insane. For example, “Barry Bonds and Bud Selig are in a secret conspiracy together to boost television ratings. Mr. Selid has been secretly giving Barry Bonds steroids for over 9 years under the supervision of Sammy Sosa. Mr. Selig on 2 occations [sic] (Dec. 10th, 2001, Feb 6th, 2003) met Mr. Bonds at the I-70 Steak n Shake, Booth #11, made an under the table cream exchange, needles, HGH, as Mr. Bonds provided Mr. Selig 22 thousand for his services. I planted a bug in booth #10, Robert Novak and Judith Miller have copies of the transcripts.” Bonds is also charged with “selling steroids to nuns,” “[using] Hank Aaron’s bat to crack the Liberty Bell,” and joining a Columbian narco-terrorist group during baseball’s winter training session in 2005.
Just read the document. It’s hilarious. Too bad it’s against the law file frivolous actions in the United States, or I would step up my game and file a few of my own against Sufjan Stevens and Conor Oberst.
