Nazi Porn, Psychosis, Russian Minerals, Gigapixels, Fake Girlfriends and Crawling Chaos

Hi. It’s the weekend. Lauren and Nick hosted a great party last evening at their new house. Laughs were had! S’mores were made! There was talk of lemurs and monkeys! I drank a good deal of alcohol! I slept this morning away, and just showered and got dressed not five minutes ago. Now here’s the news:

• The China Daily cites actual doctors (as opposed to a person who simply plays one on TV) in their report that kids these days are growing up faster because of nutritious food and access to pornography. In addition to a rich diet of seafood, animal innards, deer antler and ginseng extracts, “improper sexual education” in the form of books, movies and music has prompted a rise in early onset of puberty. In my non-medical opinion, diet has little to do with quickening the commencement of puberty in children. This is all due to a worldwide lowering of standards concerning what information is freely available to children. In fact, there’s a website/blog (Not Safe For Work!) entirely devoted to the “True Beat Generation,” which is comprised of first-person accounts detailing the adolescence of people who came of age in an era where they were forced to derive self-pleasure from “spotty cable reception and dog-eared Victoria’s Secret catalogues.” Those people all began puberty at a reasonable age. Blame TV, movies and the Internet for all those over-sexed middleschoolers. Also, blame their parents for being members of the “Me Me Me” generation and not giving a shit. Ew, I sound so conservative! [story]

• Speaking of pornography (I think the more times I type pornography, the more likely this page is to receive a higher Google ranking when it comes to web surfers performing searches for pornography), there is a new documentary, called Stalags, which explores the world of Nazi-themed pornographic books in Israel. According to the UPI article, these pocket-sized texts became popular in the 1960s, and have remained so through the years. Typical plots involve protagonists getting revenge by raping and killing lots of Nazis. Sounds awesome. Where can I get one? [story]

• Last month there was a story on CNN about how smoking marijuana increases one’s risk of developing psychotic disorders by about forty percent. This week, there’s a story in the Telegraph about a young woman who took her own life “after smoking a joint of skunk – the strongest form of cannabis – which led to a damaging course of drugs, depression, bullying and finally suicide.” Her family is claiming that it took only one joint to destroy her mind. So, there you go. The green stuff makes you loony and then people bully you at school and then you kill yourself. And you thought marijuana was all about laying on a checkered blanket in an open field, looking at the sky and giggling with your friends, saying stupid shit like, “That cloud looks like Aerosmith!” [story]

• I don’t know how trustworthy this source is (it’s Russian, after all), but apparently scientists in Russia have discovered a mineral that is capable of absorbing radiation from liquid nuclear waste. “After coming in contact with the mineral, radioactive water becomes completely safe,” seems kind of far-fetched for me, especially when one considers the source. Since I started doing this weekly news update, I think I’ve come across hundreds of articles detailing Russian alien contact, Russian weapons manufacturing, and Russian medical miracles (wasn’t there even one about a guy who grew a penis on his arm?). This one about nuclear-waste-eating minerals is probably about as accurate as the dick-on-the-arm story. [story]

• If you’ve got a few minutes to spare, this website will make you regret purchasing that flashy new 10 Megapixel camera. It contains a video detailing a 13.4 Gigapixel photograph taken in Harlem, New York city. No matter where you zoom, the image is always crystal clear. It can perfectly depict a person’s face 20 miles away. Scary, right? Once this thing hits the market, it will be my choice for what I use when I’m sitting in that tree outside your window, baby. [story]

• Hey, geeks, don’t dismiss that online relationship as fantasy! There’s an ugly girl with stupid librarian glasses who is here to tell you all about how your online love affair with that Eastern European model you’ve never shown up at a party with is just as powerful as the relationships your friends have with their actual, physical girlfriends. Oh, wait, now that I read through this article it’s pretty fucked up. I only selected it because I thought the headline would be conducive to jokes about nerds, but then I read it, and it’s about a middle-aged nut who killed for his 17-year-old online lover, or someone whose marriage is on the rocks thanks to a secret online affair. That’s not cool. If there’s one ray of beautiful sunshiny hope, it’s this anecdote: “I mean, just look at Jazz Asylum and Chelle Moore, also known as Joe Trykoski and Michelle Pignatano. They met in Second Life last October and got married in-world. This spring, Michelle moved across four states into Joe’s apartment, and they continued to play together in Second Life.” Unfortunately for “Jazz Asylum” and “Chelle Moore,” they’ve been unable to consume their relationship “in-world,” because, well…neither have ever “done it” before, and the two of them are two scared of the consequences. I mean, one wrong move and they could wind up with a baby. Like, not even a Second Life baby. I’m talking about IRL, people! [story]

• Last but not least, Strangely Perfect from the U.K.’s Crawling Chaos wrote to inform me that he’s planning on uploading all their recorded output onto his website, so us collector scum will no longer have any need to hunt around for lost recordings. He even told me that I shouldn’t be dismissive about my skills and accomplishments. What a sweet guy! In case you don’t know the band, their albums The Gas Chair and Homunculus Equinox are all-time greats, and have drawn comparisons to everyone from Brainticket to Pere Ubu to Can, Faust, and Joe Meek. I just think they sound really fucked up and heady. Like they might have smoked one too many marijuana cigarettes.