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By Evan ~ November 15th, 2007. Filed under: rant.
Somebody Else’s Mangled FedEx Box
I believe that in sports, had I won today’s battle against Corporate America, this is what they would call a “winning streak.” If you’ll remember, I faced a crushing defeat at the hands of FedEx (read about it here) in April of 2006, only to storm back with a victory over Verizon Wireless in August of that same year (read about it here). With the score tied, I was anticipating my next battle against Big Business. I’ve been feisty, confident, and hungry. I’ve been ready to take on any company, anytime, anywhere.
But FedEx fucked me again this week. I have been anticipating my guitar amplifier, extension cabinet and effects pedals for over week. They never arrived at my door. The online tracking service mentioned something about a place called Bell, California, and noted a “delivery exception” that resulted in an undelivered parcel. So I guess that makes it twice now that the folks at Federal Express have seen fit to bend me over and make a playground of my anus, rollicking and romping with unadulterated glee as i frustratingly accept their metaphoric phallus.
Yesterday and today I had to drive to this Bell, California shipping terminal to try and retrieve my possessions. Luckily, I got there before the box was designated “return to sender” this afternoon. I tell you, I’ve never had to work this hard to have a package delivered to my doorstep in my entire life. I find it quite humorous considering the branch of FedEx used to ship this package was called “Home Delivery.” When I have to drive 30 miles to a weird place to retrieve my package, I wouldn’t exactly call it a “Home Delivery.” In most instances (UPS, DHL, USPS) I could simply sit on my porch smoking from a corn cob pipe, whittling sticks, and waiting for the friendly deliveryman to arrive with my parcel.
Not with FedEx.
When they are involved in the transport of objects from one place to another, I often have to choke back my rage as I chart the objects’ progress across the country (and, yes, sometimes they manage to ship things to the wrong country — like when I shipped an item to Alberta, Canada and it ended up in Henderson, Nevada) only to see them arrive at a completely different doorstep from the intended destination. Trying to work with FedEx is like trying to tame a lion. They’re erratic and unpredictable, and they WILL kill you. Also like lions, they never accept blame.
Plus, the mongoloids working for this shipping conglomerate eat shit. They manage to both suck AND blow simultaneously. Apparently nobody knew where the box was yesterday or today, the driver who might have been carrying it yesterday had no cell phone, and I was left to my own devices when it came to entering the storage garage, finding the box, and loading it into my vehicle.
On the plus side, my gear hasn’t been damaged during transit…but I somehow lost the ability to make the DOD250 function, both of my A/C adapters are fucked, the Dunlop Wah is fucked, and the dirty channel on my Carl Martin pedal is not working. So, not everything is perfect. I’d blame FedEx, but everything was packaged really well. I have only myself to blame for these malfunctions.
Later, I tried to stop at a Verizon store to get a new phone. Unfortunately, I was informed that this would not be possible, in spite of the fact that my contract has ended. Also, these mysterious “signal boosters” that are supposed to aid wireless customers in receiving or placing phone calls in rough areas (like my house) might not even exist. So…yeah. Basically I spent my day getting ass-raped by Big Business.
