Hey, kids. How are you doing today? There’s a big holiday tomorrow, so I’m sure you’re all anxious to leave work today and begin your long weekend. Thanks for stopping by. I’m actually kind of glad you’re here. You see, it’s not like I think I’m more mature than you or anything (although I’m certainly more worldly and more accomplished), I just feel like today would be a great chance for us to sit down together and have me offer you some fatherly advice.

• Never repair burned bridges. They were burned for a reason. At the time, getting in touch with your estranged father or calling up your old best friend whose girlfriend you “accidentally” put your penis inside might seem like the right thing to do. But you’re just going to get mad at each other about something else in the future (probably an argument about money or another “accidental” penis-in-vagina slip-up), and you’ll walk away wondering why you wasted so much effort trying to mend what was never meant to be fixed.

• All girls are crazy. You just have to find one who is crazy how you like.

• Any problem can be solved with a gun. Candy stuck hanging of the edge of its shelf in a vending machine? Shoot it. Damned dog ran off with your slippers? Shoot it. Tenth-rate-actor guy sleeps with your girlfriend? Shoot him. Are you sensing a pattern here?

• Never enter into a drinking contest with someone whose skin is lighter than yours. Everybody knows that dark-skinned people often look dangerous (most of them really are), but when it comes to alcohol they are wimps and lushes. It’s those pasty white people you need to be weary of when you’re feeling brave and want to go shot-for-shot with somebody. The lighter the skin, the better the odds the person comes from a place like Ireland or Germany or Russia. You will not out-drink one of those people, unless you are some sort of genetic freak. And if you’re a genetic freak, stay indoors. You’re making the rest of us uncomfortable.

• Don’t listen to anything anybody says. Most people are idiots. They like to repeat things they’ve read in newspapers or heard on TV sitcoms without checking the validity of the statements. To combat this, nod your way through the conversation and remember to drop an, “I’ve never thought about that before,” every two minutes.

• If you want to attract a woman you just met, you need to leave a lasting impression. I like to open with an insulting remark, and close with a solid, original pick-up line (stay tuned for Friday’s Top Ten List of Evan’s Original Pick-Up Lines!). For example: You’ve spent all night chatting with a cute girl at the bar, but it’s last call now and you’re not exactly sure where this is going. Try telling her, “You and I should hang out longer…like to the tip of my penis.” It doesn’t exactly make sense, so it’s the perfect enigmatic remark to leave a girl frightened and soaking wet at the same time.

• Always take the high road. Tell the truth, act well-behaved, lead a wholesome life, and you will be rewarded. That’s the theory, at least. Of course, the only way to ensure that you will receive your just reward is to follow this rule as literally as possible. Always tell the truth. If your friend asks you (after several beers) if he’s unattractive, and if that’s why he can’t get girls, be honest and say, “Yes, you are a hideously ugly man, and that is probably why you aren’t having sex right now.” While in public, follow Emily Post’s Etiquette rules to ensure your social responses are always acceptable. Always order your sandwiches on whole wheat bread (get it? wholesome? no? fuck you!).

• Laughter is not the best medicine. In actuality the best medicines are the ones that the government believes are too dangerous for us to use. Any logical person would rather skip the latest Wilson-brothers buddy comedy in favor of some Central Nervous System depressants. They’re less expensive than a trip to the movie theater and you’ll probably experience just as many laughs.

• Never marry a Jewish girl. Once they have you “hooked” they all start to gain weight and get really annoying. This on top of the fact that from the moment you start dating her until the moment you die, you’re not going to receive a single blowjob. Instead of going out and doing things like other couples do, she’ll just start walking around the house in a nightgown, wearing out a path between the couch and the refrigerator. She’ll come home from whatever it is she does all day with bags from Bloomingdale’s and Nordstrom, saying things like, “I found the best sunglasses today” (It’s January!), “Remember, we have my parent’s thing on Thursday night” and then, “We’re out of Bonbons…What’s on TV tonight?” Ugh.

• Nobody wants to take advice from you. It’s really condescending when you envision yourself to be a paternal figure worthy of guiding those beneath you. Just keep your half-brained thoughts to yourself. It hasn’t gotten you anywhere, so why do you want to drag everybody else down with you?

***

Good times last night. Went to see Rob’s band’s first show at Echo Curio. The first act was this really cute little trio consisting of acoustic guitar, flute and melodica. During their last song, they passed out several wine glasses filled with water for audience members to play. I got one and Ilya got one. During a particularly quiet moment before the song started, Ilya was still trying to figure out how to coax sound from his glass. Without noticing the volume of my voice, I loudly told him, “Not yet, ya dick!” It was the perfect antidote for an otherwise adorable performance. Back at the house later, in a much more wasted moment, I accidentally called Rob Schneider “Rob Farkle.” That one caused a very severe laughing fit.

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