I don’t care what this article is about, I just know that the first sentence, “David Cameron’s alleged off-the-cuff remarks about ‘one-legged Lithuanian lesbians’ at a recent arts funding lunch have caused outrage in Lithuania,” rules. It makes me think about my heritage, and how my ancestors came here long, long ago, in a time before one-legged lesbians were ravaging their homeland along the Baltic Sea. Well, some of my ancestors came here. The rest stayed behind until they had enough money, but got on the wrong boat and wound up in South Africa. It’s just like everybody always says about my father’s family…not the smartest retards in the school for retards. [story]

I’ve been arguing with people all week. Sure, it’s all in jest (except for when I mean it), but it’s still technically arguing. As if designed by some higher power, I just found an article detailing how researchers are studying why men and women argue differently. Did you know that a woman’s heart health is affected adversely by quarrels, and a man’s heart health is affected adversely when he feels he is losing control? Those damned stupid persistent women usually like to push the man to talk it out, and the smart, reasonable man knows better than that, so he just wants to retire to his own little bubble and forget anything ever happened. Later in the article, a female marriage counselor drops this bombshell: men find it difficult to engage with their feelings. Gee, maybe it’s because we are more logical than women, and tend not to rely on “feelings” when it comes to decision making. We men do crazy things like weigh pros and cons, or consider the consequences of our actions. We don’t do the rational thing, which is to dwell on how sad we are, cry for a few hours, and then go out and buy a $200 pair of jeans. [story]

I mentioned this in passing to the roommates at Patra the other day, and wouldn’t you know it, here’s the proof: bacon is an aphrodisiac. Then again, the author infers that pretty much any food you enjoy can be an aphrodisiac. Also, there’s a funny quote from one of the coauthors of a book on cooking with sexually-charged ingredients. She says that to her, the sexiest food is “grilled asparagus dipped in her French boyfriend’s homemade mayonnaise.” Jesus lady, aren’t there journalistic standards that are supposed to keep allusions to semen-slathered vegetables out of the news? Whatever. The point is, the quickest way to my heart (and by heart I mean erection) is through bacon. Not chocolate, not oysters, just bacon. You got that, ladies? Bacon = sex. [story]

Oh, and ladies, while you’re still here…new research appears to show a link between booze consumption and breast cancer. So, you might want to keep that in mind if you’re one of those alcoholic-types. [story]

Lastly, some weirdness. Here’s an article from the Syndey Morning Herald detailing newly unclassified CIA documents which reveal that “the remote possibility of alien invasion elicited greater fear than a Soviet nuclear attack” during the 1950s, and here’s one from the BBC website that tells the story of a cremated son who was later found alive. Yeah, I know…

In other news, I’ve sent out FIVE personalized top tens this week (Zoya, Marika, Ian, Sam, Melissa), am half-done with the SIXTH (Mike), and there are NINE more I still have to create. The response has been overwhelmingly positive, which makes me happy, because I’ve been writing them mostly while drunk (it makes me more earnest, and also disgustingly vulgar). I’m not taking any more submissions, because 2 lists per person is very exhausting.

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