Men’s Health is running this awesomely insulting article on women entitled “Six Women You Need To Meet”. The contents of the piece include breakdowns of six personality types and their pros and cons, including bedroom persona. The six awful, derogatory female personality types included in their list are “The Happy Homemaker,” “The Vegan Yoga Gal,” “The Alpha Female,” “The Intimacy Junkie,” “The Urban Sophisticate,” and “The Arty Hipster.”

Yeah, okay. Those aren’t nearly stereotypical enough for my liking, so I’m going to present you with another five personality types that I feel more accurately break down the entire female gender. Keep this list handy, gentlemen, because if you run into one of these girls, you’re going to want to know how to act around them.

The Complete Psycho
Her strengths: She’s willing to give you her complete, undivided attention every single moment for the rest of her life. She gazes at you longingly whenever you enter the room, with a minuscule glimmer of unexplainable rage in her eyes. She’s committed to you. Like, really committed to you. A man who grew up in a house with a psychotic mother will love her, and, conversely, a guy who grew up in a household with two psychiatrist parents will crave the fascinating psychical enigmas she provides.

Her weaknesses: Remember that when she says she is yours, she means it. That car following you down the freeway every day to-and-from work…the one that looks a lot like hers? It is. Also, she’s the type of girl who really likes hearing her man’s voice on the phone when he’s gone and she is home alone…to the tune of maybe 35-50 phone calls a day. She has a rather large knife collection she likes to brandish when she talks about her exes.

Her bedroom persona: She’ll do anything to please her man. Anything. Be prepared to have your asshole licked raw, then fucked by oblong household objects. All complete psychos have one incredible trait in common: they know how to take a dick. Through some wild genetic miracle, none of them have a gag reflex. Hello, deep throat! Of course, if you so much as look at her the wrong way, it could mean goodbye, penis!

The Unrealized Psycho
Her strengths: She’s a combination of many different styles of female. When you meet, you’re taken aback by her personality and interests. They seem to match yours perfectly, and she’s even willing to listen patiently when you try to influence her tastes. In return, she might just teach you a thing or two about yourself. She tells you she loves you often, usually tied-in with the word “forever.” Then she stares you down for a slightly uncomfortable period of time.

Her weaknesses: Remember, a girl who is always offering to fetch your cell phone when it rings is really only interested in seeing who is calling you. The fact that she constantly brings up names from your sexual past isn’t all that appealing, either. When she drinks too much, she tends to pull you aside and tell you about how she has this theory that you have a crush on her best friend.

Her bedroom persona: Well, in my experience, these girls tend to just lie there like dead dogs, letting you fuck yourself into a fatigued state of indifference. I imagine a lot of them are similar to the complete fucking psychos when it comes to bedroom behavior, because if there’s one thing you must know about dating an unrealized psycho, it’s that someday she’s going to make the short trip from “unrealized” to “realized.” Ya dig?

The Self-Conscious Slut
Her strengths: Self-conscious sluts are extremely weak emotionally, but they still have their strengths. It’s just that they’re nearly impossible to delineate from each other. From one self-conscious slut to the next, their passions and ambitions are incredibly varied. The good news for you is, once she finds a man who makes her feel like a beautiful swan, she’s usually good to go on the first date, and she’ll remain by your side for a considerable period of time.

Her weaknesses: I don’t think I have enough space here to divulge all of the “personality quirks” these women have, but they typically stem from a host of different traumas she experienced during her youth. If you want to know more, just check out my list of the Top Ten Reasons Girls Are Insecure. One of the biggest weaknesses inherent in the self-conscious slut is that she’s liable to cheat on you if any other breathing male (he could be breathing of his own accord or be hooked up to a life-support system, it doesn’t much matter) comes along and tells her she’s pretty. She’ll rip her pants off and fuck his dick until it turns blue, thus terminating your relationship.

Her bedroom persona: She gets really, really wet because she’s not used to guys telling her they’re attracted to her. This will fade in time as she becomes more complacent with her role in your relationship. The sex is really good at first, but it eventually peters out. Be prepared for her to cry in bed on more than one occasion due to something entirely unrelated to the pace and/or fervor of your lovemaking.

The Cloyingly Confident Gal
Her strengths: She knows what she wants and she’s not going to rest until she has it. Because she is so assertive, you have to deal with the fact that’s she’s quite experienced in different types of relationships, including but not exclusive to: physically abusive relationships, one-night stands, the three-month “long-term relationship,” and a handful of “friends with benefits” relationships that soured once the guy expressed interest in dating her exclusively. Unlike the other three personality types, the cloyingly confident gal has a job. It might be behind a desk, but it’s usually something where she can use her excellent people skills. Maybe a waitress.

Her weaknesses: She doesn’t want a relationship, she just wants to fuck a lot of rich, powerful dudes. I think she learned how to cultivate this life choice through years of practice with her sorority sisters, probably at some liberal arts school back east. Also, she’s extremely independent, so she has zero desire to spend any amount of time with a man. Of course, every bubbly, confident babe out there has a host of deep dark secrets that will someday come to a head. Unfortunately for us guys, we don’t learn about this until after we’ve uttered “I Do.”

Her bedroom persona: She’ll fuck your dick off, but before you can issue a silent prayer to God thanking him for dropping such a wonderful gift into your lap (literally), she’ll have fucked the dicks off five other guys. In fact, before she fucked your dick off, odds are she was fucking some other guys’ dicks off. The only way to keep the confident gal yours for any period of time is to conveniently forget to tell her about that thing you have that you might or might not have given her through unprotected genital contact.

That Other Girl, The One With All The Other Problems
Her strengths: She possesses a reasonably good personality, a fine sense of humor, and some level of intelligence. Don’t worry, though, she’s not nearly as smart as you. Sometimes this girl is confused by outsiders (like television shows and men’s magazines) with a phenomenon known as “the girl next door,” but you and I both know that particular girl only exists theoretically.

Her weaknesses: Her detriments include everything not described in the above four personality types. She’ll make you feel great for a while, she’ll suck a good dick and move her hips nice, she’ll act like she’s committed to you and cares about your feelings, then leave you. Or, she’ll she’ll be too intense, sadistic, masochistic, too career-minded, not career-minded enough, clean, dirty, uninhibited, inhibited…it doesn’t matter, if there’s something you perceive as being wrong with her, odds are it’s not just a gut-feeling. It’s true. Stay away from this breed of girl. She’ll only bring you frustration.

Her bedroom persona: Like I stated above, she’ll suck a good dick and move her hips nice. Or, she won’t. She might be an efficient lover, or she might be inefficient. She could have a vagina as smooth and tight as a twelve year olds, or she could unleash an Amazonian jungle of pubes once she unbuttons those banal, unflattering jeans she paid $500 for. Plus, everything changes once she feels like she’s got you locked up. Make sure you break her heart before she breaks yours.

And that’s all you need to know about women.

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