Wow. Yesterday’s blog was pretty harsh, wasn’t it? I assure you, this was most unintentional. I adore women. Really, I do. My mother is a woman. You don’t hear me calling her a psycho all the time do you? Wait — don’t answer that.
Maybe you and I got off on the wrong foot (for these past two-and-a-half years). Looking through my archives, I can totally understand why you think I’m a misogynist, a crotchety old man, and a total asshole. It’s because I have a particular tone of voice when I write that lends itself to interpretation, and the way that you interpret my writing just happens to be as hateful towards women.
Today I’m going to prove you wrong. I’m going to show you just how much I love the female species by devoting an entire Top Ten list to them. This time it won’t have anything to do with their insecurities or how to get them to part their labia like the red sea in anticipation of your hardened penis. No, I am not going to use any gross sexual imagery in today’s blog, and I’m not going to write anything negative about girls. I’m going to present you with a list of the ten idiosyncratic behaviors of girls I love the most, and I’m just going to write the truth. That’s all.
TOP TEN FEMALE IDIOSYNCRASIES I FIND ATTRACTIVE
10) crying – Nothing makes me smile more than a girl in tears. I happen to think a woman sobbing sounds like Josh Groban singing the national anthem at the Super Bowl. It is music of the highest order. From forte to pianissimo, from operatic to “twee”, a crying girl comes in many forms, each sounding more beatific than the last. Ironic, isn’t it, that such a sorry state of emotional weakness can fill me with such joy? There really isn’t anything more attractive than a crying girl. And since they’re crying all the time there is never a shortage of weeping to brighten my day.
09) bathroom trips in teams – I really like it when I’m out to eat with a group of friends and then half the table leaves to go to the bathroom together right in the middle of a semi-interesting conversation. Don’t try to tell me that you just go in groups to gossip about boys and talk about shoes, because I’m not buying it. I know you’re there throwing up the meal I just paid for, and I think that is really admirable. I love it. I really do.
08) cooking and cleaning – I love the way girls always want to cook me dinner, then do the dishes and clean my apartment. I mean, it really speaks to how far you people have come as a gender. Remember how back in the day, women weren’t allowed to do anything but care for the children and keep a tidy house? They couldn’t even get jobs. Well, now it’s 2008, and you’re allowed to have a job and cook my dinner and clean my apartment and do the dishes. I think that’s so awesome. I love it. And I love the fact that you have no qualms about it.
07) diets – Its really cool how girls care so much about their health that they’ll do anything to keep thin. That’s so cool. I mean, diets are usually really smart and helpful, especially ones that have the potential to lead to eating disorders. There was a girl I went to high school with who went on Weight Watchers, and she kept lowering the number of “points” she was allowed to eat until she became anorexic. She looked so good; I had the biggest crush on her.
06) shopping – Another idiosyncratic behavior I love is how girls are always going shopping, or talking about going shopping, or sitting on their computers looking at fashion websites pretending they’re out shopping. I mean, everyone always talks about how important it is for people to have hobbies. Us men have such dumb hobbies, like going to work and providing for families. Isn’t that just the pits? Men also have really boring hobbies, like fixing cars and running for President. Women, they’ve got their priorities in order. They know how to pick really cool hobbies that will help change their lives — or the world — for the better. Like buying things they don’t need.
05) menstruation – It doesn’t get any more idiosyncratic than this. Menstruation is the epitome of a routine. I’m in awe of how it’s generally acceptable behavior for a woman to bleed profusely from her sex organ like a stuck pig. I mean, if my penis bled on a regular basis you’d probably think it gross and shy away from me if we ever crossed paths. I also really love it when girls act like bitches because they’re in extreme pain due to some natural bodily function that occurs every twenty-eight days. Whatever, try getting a job on an assembly line, or in a narrow mine shaft. Try doing any manual labor. Then you’ll know pain! Still, I think the fact that they get all angry and PMS-y is really cute. Don’t you?
04) jealousy – I don’t know about you, but I feel really good about myself when a girl acts jealous around me. It’s so obvious that she really likes me, but she’s afraid to just tell me. Instead she performs these really adorable tricks, like acting like a bitch, hitting on other guys in front of me, or withholding sex. I love it.
03) getting too drunk to remember fucking me – I guess this one is pretty self-explanatory. It’s a routine that is not exclusive to me; I think all men love this feminine behavior.
02) dressing like skanks – Mini-skirts, low-cut tops, tons of make-up…it’s great how you girls want to be noticed by guys and will wear just about anything to have creepy old men and young boys alike gawk at you and fantasize about using you and throwing you away like a piece of trash. I also love how this doesn’t perpetuate any stereotypes about women being obsessed with their looks, and I it definitely helps quash awful theories about how women are often objectified by men.
01) talking all the time – The number one idiosyncrasy I love about girls is how they talk all the time, especially about their feelings. I could listen to them for hours go on about how they’re feeling sad, and why they’re feeling sad, or why they’re feeling happy, and why they’re so happy…I close my eyes and smile every time a girl begins talking about what’s going on in her life, because it’s always so endlessly fascinating. Like an episode of The Hills. Like that guy she saw on the bus who looked like a model. Like how her parents totally don’t understand her. Like how her best friend is a lying bitch. Like how her boyfriend looks at other girls on the street. It’s just all so great. It’s like taking a really enriching course with a professor who knows his shit. Each time I exit a conversation with a girl, I feel like I’ve just been read a passage from the bible by God himself. Ugh. There’s just so much information, so much to take in, so much wonderful goodness. The best part is, I don’t even care that for every piece of information a girl plants in my memory, some fact I learned in school is lost forever. I’m just too in love with how girls are always talking, talking, talking, about really important, great things, especially their emotions.
July 3rd, 2009
Oh deary me!
Evan, take it from a me, a psychiatrist, you most certainly are a misogynist; par excellence and one of the most dangerous kinds there is!!!
The reasons you like all of these “traits” in a woman is because they reflect your stereotypical and engrained viewpoint of women as inferior to men. I know you don’t believe it, but it’s true; allow me to expand on my reasoning. I shall take your, for want of a better word, fetishes one at a time …
#10) A woman who is crying is emotionally distressed and in a logically weakened position to how she would normally be without the tears. You find this attractive because she is in a weakened position; one that traditional male society says she should be in. Hence your liking of it.
#9) Would normally not be misogynistic but your “belief” that they are in there tossing their cookies so as to remain thin (for you) is definitely a sign of an unbalanced view of women. Believe me, they are talking about the boys at the table, and the boys NOT at the table.
#8) Cooking and cleaning for you is a role that women have been taught (by their mothers and society, but reinforced by men) that “real men” want them to assume. They have been told that a real woman can cook and clean for her man. Therefore, in order for them to attract you they feel the need to show you that they can perform that role. (Remember, women are always thinking about marriage, even if they are not wanting it right now!) For you to find this role attractive and not tell her, “you don’t need to do that, I’d rather sit and get to know you a bit” is proof positive that you are not only a misogynist, but the traditional “male chauvinist pig”! Nice! Believe me, she’s not getting any joy putting your old socks in the hamper!
#7) Diets are another societal instance that women be attractive, pixie like and light enough that her “man” can pick her up with one hand, toss her on the bed and show her what life is really about! (Gag!) Come on Evan, you’ve just bought into the oldest con of them all! Worst of all, you dragged that poor high-school girl with you into Never-never Land!! I’m sure you thought you didn’t, but believe me, she wasn’t doing it for herself, and it had zero to do with “health”!
#6) This is based on a belief that a real man should have a woman who “doesn’t need to work”, but should spend her “man’s” money looking pretty and buying stuff to make her more appealing to her man. Disgusting!
#5) Firstly; this shows a profound misunderstanding of both anatomy and physiology! Women don’t bleed like stuck pigs, it’s generally a gentle sloughing off of tissue and the accompanying blood that causes the visible signs of menstruation. Women also don’t act like “bitches” because of the pain, but because of the release of hormones into their blood streams. Try being sensitive to their needs during this time; believe me, if your “were” bleeding from you penis, they’d be sensitive to your needs. Regardless, it’s another sign of “inferiority” of a woman that is turning you on. They go through a “mini illness” once a month and this places her in an inferior position to you; or so you have been (erroneously) taught! Grow up!
#4) Jealousy is a sign that you are not giving her what she needs; so she tries to get it from you buy making you jealous of other men. The problem is you, not them!
#3) Sorry, real men want their girl to remember making love to them.
#2) Dressing like “skanks” (nice term btw); is another example of you sexualizing women and placing them in a place below you. Sad really!
and ….
#1) You like how they talk about their feelings and other stuff you think is not serious or needed in the “real world”. I doubt that you’d be so excited if she were talking about quantum mechanics with you.
In summary, you find women to be play-things, objects of fancy and fantasy. You may love your mother, but I bet it’s because she cooked for you, cleaned for you and tended to your emotional and egotistical needs as her child. I doubt that it is because of who she is as a dynamic, vital and interesting human being!
You need professional help; and yes, that is my “professional” opinion!
Good luck :)
Yours,
Dr. Craig
(N.B.: The preceding is not intended to be medical advice and should be seen as entertaining only; even if it is accurate!)
October 20th, 2009
This written piece screams with sarcasm.
Evan, it is obvious that you dislike all of those “idiot-synchracies” as do most of other normal people in this world.
Your point of view leads one to think that you might be a terrific person and you seem like a true feminist :-)