Derek "Peter Eater" Jeter, A Guy With A Good Memory, And Kids These Days

• Poor Derek Jeter got her panties all in a bunch because Ivy-League statisticians calculated that Jeter is the worst defensive shortstop in Major League Baseball. The player’s excuse, “Every [shortstop] doesn’t stay in the same spot, everyone doesn’t have the same pitching. Everyone doesn’t have the same hitters running, it’s impossible to do that.” New York Yankees senior advisor Gene Michael was equally mad, stating, “Something like that is a disgrace. It made me ill when I read that article…Derek doesn’t really have a sinkerball pitching staff whereas other shortstops, you sit behind certain pitchers, you’re going to get a lot of ground balls.” Not only does Mr. Michael appear to believe that there teams around the league have only sinkerballer pitchers, he seems to have forgotten all about his own team’s “ace”. Chien-Ming Wang, with his 2.68:1 ground-ball-to-fly-ball ratio is the best sinkerballer in the American League. Oh, and as far as total ground balls are concerned, Yankee pitcher Andy Pettite ranked 14th in all of baseball last year with 331 ground balls. Not to be outdone, Wang ranked 6th with 381. No other team in the league had two starters in the top fifteen. So it’s not like Miss Jeter was bereft of opportunities to show us how good she is. ESPN’s Keith Law says of Jeter, “If you watch Jeter even a few games and can’t see how limited his range is to his left or how bad his footwork is, you’re a bad evaluator. It’s blindingly obvious. It should be a test teams give prospective pro scouts – break down Jeter’s defense. If they say he’s great or that he’s clutch, they don’t get the job.” Obviously, I agree with Law and the smart folks at the University of Pennsylvania who arrived at this conclusion. [story]

• Brad Williams is the anti-Evan LeVine. The 51-year-old news anchor is one of two people in the world possessing what is called a “superior autobiographical memory.” He can easily recall the most mundane details of his entire life. “For example, he can tell you it was Aug. 18, 1965, when his family stopped at Red Barn Hamburger during a road trip through Michigan. He was 8 years old at the time. And he had a burger, of course. ‘It was a Wednesday,’ recalled Williams. ‘We stayed at a motel that night in Clare, Michigan. It seemed more like a cabin.’” What the fuck!? That is the most unfair fucking gift in the entire world. Why the hell can’t he offer me even 5% of his memory power. I can’t even picture what the hell my family looks like, let alone remember the specific details of things we’ve done. I don’t even remember how old I was during family vacations. It doesn’t matter what vacation you want to hear about, odds are I’ll say it was when I was either eight years old or eleven years old. I don’t even know why I use those two ages. They just sound right. Ugh. This article is infuriating to read because it makes me feel utterly inept. I seriously feel like, what good am I to this world if I can’t remember the last time I ate a hamburger, let alone a hamburger I ate when I was eight years old? Fuck you and your superior memory, old man. [story]

• Apparently kids this year are giving up MySpace and Facebook for Lent. That’s the holiday that goes on for a month or whatever? I don’t know anything about religion, and if I learned anything about it I’ve already forgotten it BECAUSE I HAVE A HORRIBLE MEMORY. Sorry, I got off-track for a moment. Here’s a better idea: How about everybody gives up MySpace and Facebook forever. [two minutes later: I just realized I forgot to sign out of MySpace this morning. Now it looks like I've been online all day. Nice going, jackass (me, not you). I can't even do that right.]

• Speaking of me…Today I tried to reintroduce myself into the outside world. “No more time will be wasted holed up in a house or apartment trying to battle a virus,” I thought. “I’m going to physically turn the tides against whatever heinous germs are fighting to remain in my system.” Unfortunately, it wasn’t very easy to get myself started this morning. By 1:00pm I had barely showered and managed to get dressed, and I was not feeling all that well. Although my throat felt much better, my head was pounding, my thoughts were scattered, and I was feeling a bit better, so I drove to Amoeba and spent roughly $75 on records. That was fun, if not entirely unnecessary given that I haven’t worked all week and have only a light paycheck to look forward to during this “rent is due” week. You, my dear reader, should do your part and buy the Knicks tickets I’m selling on eBay from 3,000 miles away! Or, donate a dollar to the site. Almost 700 people come to this page each day. I mean, you’ve all seen the little DONATE button at the top of the left-hand column on this page, right? Have you ever thought about actually clicking it? If each of you gave me one dollar I’d be able to pay rent this month and maybe eat a nice dinner, too. So, won’t you help this starving, poor child?

No? Well, fuck you!