Seeing as how there are no other important stories occurring either in America or abroad, ABC News has run a story on paper cuts, and why they hurt so much. Yes, you read that correctly. Lauren Cox from the ABC News Medical Unit vividly details the act of receiving a paper cut while “opening the mail,” and “rummaging through notes,” only to report that, “Nobody really knows the answer” as to why they hurt so much. Fucking genius. I would love to have been in the room with her and her editor when she walked in smiling — perhaps even showing off a fresh paper cut — and said she had a great idea for a story. I’d also like to have been present at the moment she told her editor, “None of my sources are really sure why they hurt so much, but ‘there are a few good theories!’.” What a completely fucking useless story. And that, my friends, is why I’ve taken my college degrees in Communications and English and strayed far, far away from journalism. It’s a fucking retarded profession, and 98% of journalists are equally as retarded. Paper cuts. [story]

I didn’t have time to write a Top Ten list this week, and it seems that the entire Internet slowed down its output of Top Ten lists as well. The only list I was able to uncover during my twenty-minute-long search for news stories this morning was one about the five most painful places to receive a tattoo. They are: the eyeball, the mons pubis (that’s your pubic mound, kiddo), the top of the foot or ankle, behind the ear, and the chest (above your rib cage). Aside from the fact that I’m not sure why anyone would tattoo their eyeball, the list seems pretty obvious. Those are all very bony areas of the body. Not a lot of tenderness or protective tissue surrounding our ears or on the tops of our feet. As for the mons pubis…well…If you’re a girl who tattoos an arrow pointing downward with “insert cock here” on her mound, I guess I’m alright with that. [story]

The New York Times is actually running an interesting story, for a change. It’s about how there is a cadre of hobbyists who track and spot satellites around the world. According to one of the “spotters,” the satellite that the US government said would be falling to earth in the near future could very well be “USA-193, which gave out shortly after reaching space in December 2006. It is said to have been built by the Lockheed Martin Corporation and operated by the secretive National Reconnaissance Office.” In other words, it’s a spy satellite. Another cool website created by these hobbyists teaches you how to spot different satellites with the naked eye, and even clues you in on the best times and places to spot government spy satellites. Big brother is watching you. [story]

Equally as impressive as the last story, UFO sightings are on the rise across the globe. Most of these sightings occur in trailer parks, but many have been spotted through high-end telescopes located in parents’ basements all over America. Greasy nerds with their nacho cheese-stained fingers are delicately trying to focus on various “discs, formations, white or orange lights, triangular shaped crafts and pipe-like objects” commonly believed to be unidentified flying objects. Unsurprisingly, I’ve never heard of the publication that ran this story. [story]

Last, but certainly not least, is a story that quotes Russian mathematicians as saying time travel could become a reality in the next three months. According to them, an experiment that nuclear scientists are going to be carrying out in Geneva this-coming May might created a rift in the fabric of our universe, making passage through time possible. I implore those Russian scientists (as well as all of you) to search through the archives of this blog and re-read “The Epoch Study,” a campy Sci-Fi tale of intrigue surrounding the creation of the world’s first time machine. You can find links to the four-part short story below. For the Russian scientists talking about fabric rifts, click here.

The Epoch Study
Part I: Discovery
Part II: A Call To Arms
Part III: The Thaw
Part IV: The Dream Realized

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