Hello, friends and foes. I hope this weekend is all that you want it to be. I’m sorry I didn’t present you with a top ten list yesterday, but I’m sure those adorable animals (except the alligator, which isn’t an animal apparently!) were a good enough replacement for my acerbic wit. Today’s news stories from across the web include several lists, which aren’t as funny as mine, but they’re lists.

• This article is supposed to present a list of the twenty most fascinating prehistoric paintings, but I cannot stop laughing at the link to the YouTube video at the top of the page. To be honest, I only looked at the first painting because I was too busy clicking refresh to make sure the video will still be there when you click the link at the end of the paragraph. Jesus Christ is that blonde girl ever a fascinating prehistoric artifact! No, I’m just kidding, those photographs of cave drawings that look like dear and little army men falling off a cliff are almost as interesting as a girl with huge tits and tiny pink panties. Who the hell chose to put that video link on this page anyway, and when can I shake his hand? [story]

• Here’s a great one. Professor Benny Shanon, who teaches cognitive psychology at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem (Jew alert!), has decided that Moses was tripping at Mount Sinai when he supposedly heard the voice of God. Apparently the religious ceremonies of the early Israelites included the use of psychotropic materials that can be found in the Negev and Sinai. Although he has no proof, the professor is pretty sure Moses was tripping balls (my words, not his) and didn’t actually speak to God. What’s funny about this is, us Israelites still use plenty of psychotropic materials that can be procured in easy-to-find locations like our old college roommates’ dressers, or at the park, from the guy with no teeth. I always thought “Yam Sof” would be an interesting song title or band name. It means sea of ending. I read about it in the “Hebrew Book Of The Dead” once. [story]

• “Imagine a drug that can reduce your need for sleep, increase your concentration and make you smarter, with minimal side effects.” I guess that sounds like a pretty good start, but if they mixed it with the euphoric side effects of a powerful painkiller like Fentanyl, I’d be sold. [story]

• Oh PRAVDA. I love you so much, I really do. I love the way you publish stories with headlines like, “Boriska, boy from Mars, says that all humans live eternally.” What more do I even have to say? Nothing. Boriska will say everything for me. [story]

• I don’t know if I told any of you this, but while we were driving around San Diego Monday we caught several glimpses of what we believe was the Google Street Views car. It looked identical to the one that is commonly pictured, and it just so happens that San Diego’s street views were updated this week on the Google website. If you happen to be looking within a one-mile radius of where Mission intersects with Garnet, and you see a red Volvo, that’s my car. We were trying to make faces at the camera, but I don’t know if it worked. In other news, here’s yet another list of the ten most bizarre sights in Google Street View. [story]

• Define irony: America Online publishes a list of 20th Century brands that will soon disappear. Old Navy, Motorola, E-Trade, K-Mart, Dodge, and Circuit City all make the list. Noticeably absent: America Online. [story]

• The world’s smallest gun can fire bullets at 270mph, and it’s only two inches long. If you want to learn more about shockingly powerful, two-inch-long guns, please send all your inquiries to Swan Fungus reader Mike in Connecticut. He’s fathered a child with his! ZING! [story]

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