Pumpkins Sue Label, World Laughs In Wry Amusement

I awoke yesterday to an e-mail from Ian (who had his ass handed to him in the comment section of yesterday’s entry) with a subject that simply stated, “HAHA”. When I clicked the attached link, I was transported to a CNN story about how The Smashing Pumpkins are suing Virgin Records. At first I thought the article would be about something boring, like plans to re-issue the band’s back catalog without permission, but this lawsuit is so much better and so much more awesome, it has been clawing away at my insides for the last twenty-four hours, begging to be scrutinized and mocked.

Apparently Billy Corgan doesn’t like how Virgin has used their name and music in promotional deals, which has “hurt the band’s credibility with fans.” Ah yes, the old, “It’s the label’s fault ‘Cherub Rock’ has been the FOX network’s theme music during baseball’s post-season for the past two years” defense. How many times have we heard an artist is suing a label for the rights to their music, or claiming it wasn’t their intention to score a car commercial or soft drink commercial. How many bands (even the Beatles have done it, and they’re half dead!) sue labels every year for some frivolous reason? Too many to count. What makes this lawsuit so much better is that it’s being brought by Billy Corgan, one of the least respectable frontmen in the history of rock music, whose credibility is so abysmally thin he probably shouldn’t even use the word in any complaint made against anybody, ever.

If Billy Corgan complained that my negative blog articles were hurting his credibility, here’s what I’d have to say to him:

Dear Sir,

You are sadly mistaken in this matter. I should know because I used to count myself as a member in your legion of fans. This was before I realized just how bland your music had become, and before I realized that you were a douche. Nevertheless, I have followed your career since the break-up of your band and always derive pleasure from the hilarious attempts you’ve made to regain your star power, which has rapidly been fading since 1996. I think it started with that atrocious MACHINA/The Machines of God album. It was so bad it actually made me decide I didn’t like your band anymore. I sold all my memorabilia and albums, which years before accounted for my entire wardrobe and record collection. Consider that album the first pebble to ding your reputation.

You took some time off, maybe a year, and then you formed a “supergroup” called Zwan. You installed Dave Pajo, Matt Sweeney and Jimmy Chamberlain as members. The first shows you played in the fall of 2001, when Pajo played bass, were actually quite good. Then you screwed it all up by moving Pajo to guitar and getting Paz Lezchchchanaandnadtin to play bass. She decided to fuck the dicks off both Pajo and Sweeney, which got everyone mad at one another, and caused you to break up the band. This was, of course, after you recorded an insipid, terrible record whose name I don’t even recall. I even paid to see you twice during that tour. It was Brian-May-solos-all-over-the-fucking-place horse shit, but I got to shake hands with and Sweeney and Pajo for the first time, so Zwan had one redeeming quality. The formation and collapse of this project was a slightly larger rock denting your reputation.

You disappeared, and later emerged with a solo album, which I haven’t ever heard, but which I know for certain sucks. In fact, I referred to it as, “gheeeeeeeeeey” on Tuesday April 26th, 2005. It contains a cover of the Bee Gees’ “To Love Somebody” (which Mule already covered over a decade ago, and their version is killer) and a duet with Robert Smith. That same year, you became a baseball corespondent for Chicago’s 93XRT. Here’s a hint: if you want to stay in your fans’ good graces, don’t talk about sports. Sports scare pale, overweight, faux-goth people, and those are the people who are your fans. These two acts made a rather large depression in your suddenly deformed reputation.

2005 was a bad year for you. You pleaded with a crowd of Australians hollering requests for Smashing Pumpkins songs at a solo concert, “Can I live my life for today?” before adding, “Fuck it.” and walked off stage. On June 21st you took out a full-page advertisement in the Tribune begging your band to reform.

“For a year now I have walked around with a secret, a secret I chose to keep. But now I want you to be among the first to know that I have made plans to renew and revive the Smashing Pumpkins. I want my band back, and my songs, and my dreams. In this desire I feel I have come home again.”

And reform the band, you did! Only, just like with Zwan, it consisted of you, Jimmy “Black Tar” Chamberlain, and two no-name idiots you plucked out of Guitar Center or a Hole tribute band or something. The difference between Zwan and the Smashing Pumpkins (part two) is that its recognizable name was a ploy to sell more albums. Talk about integrity!

Which brings me to my point. Billy Corgan, you are just as guilty when it comes to damaging your reputation as your record label. You formed an entirely new band to play an old band’s songs, and called it the Smashing Pumpkins because its built-in audience could guarantee more album and ticket sales. Anybody who acts so selfishly and shamefully doesn’t have the right to bring such a moronic lawsuit. It is hypocrisy. You install some hired guns so that you can charge more money for a concert ticket and charge more money for the nine different variations of Zeitgeist you released, and now you have the gall to say that Virgin Records has irreparably harmed your “cred”? You don’t even have a shred of credibility to harm anymore! You’ve taken care of it all on your own! You are an empty shell of a man who is clutching at straws. Please stop making things worse for yourself.

…Not that I mind your presence in the public eye, it gives me more opportunities to react to your insanity.

Warm regards,
Evan