Loading ...Taxes, Sexy Teachers, Expensive Cereals, Airplane, Stingrays, Eggs
By Evan ~ March 22nd, 2008. Filed under: world news.
• Hey there, fellow bloggers. Isn’t it time you start worrying about paying your taxes? April 15th is just around the corner, and all those…tens of dollars you’ve made from your blog this year need to be factored into your return! As for me, I’m not worried, because I know all 46 tax deductions that bloggers often overlook, and I’m not going to overlook them this year. In my estimation, I’ve made roughly $66.81 this year, thanks to payments from Amazon.com and donations from Old Man Neil, and Nicci. Apparently I should be writing off monthly hosting fees and annual domain costs, design fees (like the $5.55 I spent on a pizza for Rob the other day?), Internet access fees, cell phone usage, computer costs (this new MacBook Pro wasn’t free), prizes for giveaways and contests (remember when I sent you people fee things in the mail?), postage, transportation (like driving cross country and blogging about it?), and hotel charges. I don’t even know what a deduction means, but these things add up to several thousand dollars. If any of your income is derived from blogging, you should look into these deductions. [story]
• An eighth grade teacher from Milwaukee is facing felony charges for allegedly “grinding her pubic mound” against one of her students while the pair were watching movie. Jesus Christ, when I was in eighth grade, all my teachers did was tell me how uninspired I was compared to my older sister. None of them ever tried to grind their pubic mounds against me. I think that if they wanted to inspire me to do better in class, the least they could have done would have been to supplement their motivational speeches with a bit of pubic mound grinding, don’t you think? [story]
• Are you fucking joking. A cornflake that resembles the state of Illinois has fetched more than one-thousand dollars on eBay. For a cornflake? Why the hell aren’t I out looking for weird coincidences in food items? Doesn’t every cornflake look like Illinois? What if I found a Pop Tart with Barak Obama’s face in it. Do you think that could fetch 1 or 2k on eBay? What if I found a pair of dirty panties with a stain that resembled Mother Theresa? Do you think that would reach six figures at auction? I’m willing to try anything at this point. I mean, a flake of breakfast cereal shaped like Illinois just made more money than I do in three months. I need to jump on this bandwagon, fast. Duping people out of money has never seemed easier than right now. The 23-year-old girl and her fifteen year old sister responsible for this auction already know this. Plus we’ve got those government checks coming in the mail soon that are supposed to stimulate the economy. The time is now. I’ve got to act fast. There are plenty of dopes out there who are willing to spend all that money on a slice of toast with the face of Jesus burnt into one side of it. [story]
• In what seems to be the absolute perfect plot for a movie, a mystery illness is sickening airline passengers and crews across the globe. Tremors, nausea and headaches have left some crew members unable to fly. Doctors at first were completely unsure of what was going on, though one reportedly stated, “I haven’t seen anything like this since the Anita Bryant concert.” Now, according to new research, the cause of the illness might be a jet engine oil additive leaking into the cabin air intake. Sounds pretty dangerous to me, and the perfect poison to cause such symptoms. Did I say perfect poison? I meant, perfect inhalant! So long, nitrous oxide! Hello, jet engine additive! [story]
• They got Steve Irwin while he was underwater, but stingray populations are no longer content remaining in the murky depths of the world’s oceans. They’re breaching the surface; they’re flying through the air and killing people. A woman on vacation in Florida this week was killed when a 75-pound stingray leaped out of the water and struck her in the face. The woman was knocked backwards, and the impact likely killed her. She was 57-years old. The stingray was considerably younger. The article makes sure to point out how there was no evidence that the woman was punctured by the stingray’s barb, because we stupid readers only care about barbs stabbing people like Steve Irwin through the chest. I’d like to point out that I like stingrays. I think they’re really…bitchin’. I don’t see what the problem is with their stabbing people all the time. It helps thin out our herd. As a species, we’re overpopulated anyway. I say let’s kill a few dozen more people with stingrays, then we’ll be on the right path. [story]
• And, last but not least, an article that highlights eleven interesting uses of eggs in advertising. Sadly, the “This is your brain, this is your brain on drugs” commercials featuring the girl from She’s All That are not on this list! What a disappointment. Oh, yeah, and have a happy Easter if you’re one of the fanatic right-winged Christians who celebrate this crazy holiday. [story].
I know I was supposed to talk today about this week’s episode of LOST, but I just don’t have time. It’s going to have to wait until Monday!
Bardo Pond – Splint (from the new album)
Four Tet – Ribbons (from the new album)
Tim Buckley – Once I Was (from an old album)
Inca Ore – Silver Wings (from the new album)
