Hey, guess who’s NOT going to write about “Garfield Minus Garfield” in his weekly news wrap-up. Why? Because ARBUCKLE did it first. Take that, every major online news outlet who ran a story on Garfield Minus Garfield this week!

• In a real-life “The Jetsons” moment, Australian researchers have taken a break from being eaten by Great White sharks to develop clothes that clean themselves. Yes, it’s true. It seems that these folks “have found a way to coat fibers with titanium dioxide nanocrystals, which break down food and dirt in sunlight.” With perhaps a few more trials under their belts, the researchers foresee a market filled with self-cleansing wool sweaters and silk ties. So, basically, the only people who are going to reap the rewards of this fascinating technology are grandmothers and nerds (the only people who wear wool sweaters) and douchebag yuppie businessmen (the only people who wear silk ties). I think it would be way cooler if they, you know, focused on clothes that normally get dirty, like blue jeans and plain-white t-shirts. White shirts and jeans are fucking hard to keep from getting dirty. I feel like, if I’m the kind of person who can’t keep an ugly-looking hausfrau sweater clean, I don’t deserve to be wearing it. And if I was dumb enough to ruin a silk tie by getting food all over it (what’s the total surface area of a tie anyway, like 12 inches?) I wouldn’t even deserve to be alive. By the way, speaking of “The Jetsons”…did anyone here see “The Jetsons Meet The Flinstones?” Who won that one, anyway? [story]

• Speaking of not deserving to live, a recent study has shown that students who played James Bond 007: Nightfire like getting killed. “Instead of joy resulting from victory and success, wounding and killing the opponent elicited anxiety, anger, or both…death of the player’s own character appears to increase some aspects of positive emotion.” Jesus Christ, people are fucking sick. Who enjoys dying in a video game? That’s fucked up. The most important part of this article, in my opinion, is the fact that they used Super Monkey Ball II as the control group in the experiment. God, I remember my days of taking bong hits with friends and trying to play Super Monkey Ball. Those were some of the greatest days of my life. Especially the game where you had to roll off a ramp and fly towards targets placed at various spots off in the distance. My god, was my eye-hand coordination awful when I was stoned. Also, they had a jousting event that we used to call “Super Monkey Balls Knife Fights” for no apparent reason. There were no knives involved. Hilarious though it was, I’m glad I’ve moved on from that stage of my life. Or…am I? [story]

• Ken sent me this frightening story from LifeHacker. Apparently people can now get Twitter alerts from their plants when they need to be watered. I didn’t know what Twitter was when I read the article, but now that I know its social networking/blogging site, I feel like this is the gayest innovation in the history of the world. Even gayer than anal beads or leather bars. Even gayer than gayness itself. What the hell is wrong with people when they’re so reliant on technology they need a social networking website to alert them of the fact that their plants are dying. What’s next, alerts when we’ve forgotten to feed or walk our dogs and cats? Whatever, I know cats don’t get walked like dogs do, but I’m trying to make a point here. And that point is: people are getting really fucked up by overexposing themselves to these successively shittier and shittier Internet trends. Life used to be about remembering to do things and living in an analog world where you talked to people on the streets or called them, or fucking went outside on nice days instead of sitting in front of the computer waiting for comments from people you don’t know telling you how cool they think you are. Getting online alerts from your plants isn’t what life is supposed to be about. Thanks a lot MySpace, you’ve ruined it for everybody. [story]

• Oh, yeah, some Indian newspaper (the dot-on-the-forehead Indians, not the feathers-in-the-hair Indians) is reporting that a galaxy 13,230 million light-years away is showing signs of type IV extraterrestrial influence. I tried to read this article, I really did, but I don’t understand most of it. I think what they’re trying to say is, the same artificial forces that made our earth the way it is (inhabitable) are at work in some galaxy that we’ll never be able to reach with a manned spacecraft. The other important thing I came away from this article is the term “Cosmic Renaissance,” which would be an incredible album title. Why didn’t Ash Ra Tempel or Hawkwind ever use that one? [story]

• CNN wants to help you keep your job, because apparently there’s a recession coming soon, or maybe a stock market crash, or an even greater depression. I can’t really tell, because all the news sources are so deeply entrenched in panic mode it’s hard to understand just what they’re reporting. Anyway, CNN ran an article about “warning signs you could soon get a pink slip,” which made me wonder…do companies still use pink slips? Isn’t that just something that happened in early ’80s movies where the recently-divorced dad gets fired and then creates some elaborate ruse to spend time with his kids? And why didn’t those deadbeat dads just ask permission to see the kids? Why did they have to play Mr. Mom and raise babies and shit? They could’ve just been told their exes, “Listen baby, I got canned. Can I come over sometime to see the thing that came out of you after I ejaculated all-up inside you that one time?” Personally, I’d much rather see a movie where people talk like that than something like Three Men And A Baby or Mrs. Doubtfire. By the way, is telling your boss to “screw off” a warning sign that you could soon get a pink slip? Should I be worried at all about that? [story]

• 48% of teenagers purchased ZERO CDs in 2007. How fucking awesome is that? I’m not kidding, I think this is the happiest I’ve ever been when reporting a story to you losers. I mean, yeah I work in a record store so it’s weird that I’m excited about teenagers not buying music, but you don’t understand the kind of store where I work. We cater to old men with serious psychological problems who have no problem coming in and spending $20,000 on old acetates and test-pressings. Shit, I don’t even remember the last time I saw a teenager at the store. Anyway, I hope the RIAA got wind of this article, because if I were trying to scare people into buying albums by suing them, I’d be really upset to find out that almost half of all American teenagers didn’t buy a single CD all last year. And if I was a representative of some hot-shot “indie” label spending countless dollars on public relations and promotion for my supposedly “indie” artists, I’d be equally upset to see that all “grassroots” campaigns to push young bands weren’t really working. I think the future is in private pressings and even more localized labels working with only a handful of artists. Everyone’s losing money. Yeah, a lot of it has to do with the utterly shit music being made today (and God, is it ever shitty), but it also has to do with large artist rosters providing labels with only meager returns. Shit’s gonna change soon. [story]

• Apparently that picture at the top of the page was taken in London two days ago. Supposedly, it shows a gigantic UFO hovering over the Thames. But we haven’t heard about it here because it’s a total fluke. Look at that stupid picture and tell me you trust it as evidence of aliens coming to visit Earth. You can’t, because if you did you’d be a moron. [story]

• Oh, and somewhere in South Carolina there’s a seven-foot tall Lizard Man running around who likes to chew on the front bumpers of people’s cars. Oh, South Carolina…you’re starting to give West Virginia a run for its money when it comes to the absolute craziest state in America. Really? A Lizard Man? This is news? [story]

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