UFOs and Time Travel, Sleep and Sleeplessness, Global Warming and Shrinkage, Names and Stereotypes, Dysgenics and Books, Baby Boomers and Predictions

Constellations. Plural.

• A professor has penned a detailed article on the topics of aliens and time travel, and I guess the fact that he is a currently-employed professor lends some credence to the fact that he’s talking about the existence of extra terrestrials and the possibility of time travel. I think it’s fascinating that France opened up their UFO sightings vault, and that the government said 58% of the sightings could not be explained. Fat dudes wearing pointy ears and speed suits while living in their parents’ basements are probably really excited about such revelations, but the truth is, a large portion of those 58% are probably just morons who don’t know the difference between a shooting star, a meteorite and a UFO. I mean, shit, the first meteorite I saw hurtling across the sky sure looked like a UFO. If someone didn’t say, “Oh look a meteor” I probably would have sworn I’d just seen a bomb flying through the night sky or a UFO. As for time travel, clearly the professor hasn’t read the LOST Time/Loop theory, as it would show — without doubt — there are already people working on perfecting their own time machines. [story]

• I couldn’t fall asleep last night. It was the most annoying experience I’ve had since the last time I couldn’t fall asleep. So I was clicking around the Internet trying to tire myself out, and I came across this article (not literally, as that might have ruined my monitor) where some smart-ass sleep researcher at UC Berkeley decided he needed to condescend to me with his genius by delivering an opening quote that stated, “I think what we’re starting to understand is that sleep serves a whole constellation of functions, plural.” What the fuck does that mean, “plural?” What word in that sentence needed to be made plural that wasn’t? I swear to God I kept re-reading this sentence for an hour this morning trying to figure it out. “We’re” is plural, “functions” is plural. I started to wonder if maybe he meant that “a whole constellation of functions” — meaning the constellation — should be plural, but then I started to think, “But in that sentence ‘constellation’ is the word that defines just how many ‘functions’ there are, right? So, why the fuck would this homo use some gay ass smart adjective like ‘constellation’ as a means to describe the array of functions sleep has, and then decide he needed to pluralize that word, too?” I guess what I’m trying to say is, I didn’t make it past this sentence, so I don’t know exactly what the article is about, but I’m hoping Linguistics Nick (that’s my new nickname for you, Nick) stops by at some point today to explain that quote to me. Plural. [story]

• According to the BBC headline “Glaciers suffer record shrinkage,” I would have to argue that global warming is a good thing. As a man (with a glacier in his pants), I know how embarrassing shrinkage can be, and the only way to combat it is to either a) not immerse yourself in cold water, or b) immerse yourself in warmer water. Maybe the glacier shrinkage wouldn’t be so bad if we upped the world’s temperature a few more degrees. Then it wouldn’t get so embarrassed at pool parties when it decided to dry off for a few minutes and eat a hotdog and play wiffleball. [story'

• Do you know what your name means? Do you know how others react on a psychological level when somebody mentions your name? You should. Here's a handy list that was created following an "academic study" (way to validate yourself, professors!) that studied the assumptions we make about people we don't know based on their names. Of course, none of these names show up on my list of great baby names. For example, if your name is Sophie, Rachel, Olivia, Karen, Katie, Sarah, Grace, Emily, Amanda, or Heather, people are more likely to think that you are attractive. Completely untrue. The only Sophies I ever met were a 90-year-old polish woman and an Asian girl with a giant mole on her check. I knew an Olivia in school who was fat and Asian. Grace is the name of my grandmother's best friend (she's still alive, grandma is not), and she's about 4'5" and always has lipstick smeared from the corners of her lips all the way to her ears. Rachel, Sarah and Emily are three of the most common girl's names, so those are obvious choices. The name "Evan" doesn't show up as a name that conveys either success, attractiveness or good luck, so I this study is completely worthless because it hasn't really taught us anything new about me. [story]

• St. Louis Today must know that I’m a sucker for articles beginning with a catchy quote like, “Tell me. When did it become fashionable to be stupid? That’s the thing I don’t understand. The cult of the idiot. The elevation of the moron.” Author Susan Jacoby argues in her new book that being stupid has become fashionable, and it is hard to find fault in her theory. She claims the, “scales of American history have shifted heavily against the vibrant and varied intellectual life so essential to functioning democracy. During the past four decades, America’s endemic anti-intellectual tendencies have been grievously exacerbated by a new species of semiconscious anti-rationalism, feeding on and fed by an ignorant popular culture of video images and unremitting noise that leaves no room for contemplation or logic.” As someone who enjoys studying and teaching others about dysgenics (most commonly learned through the eyes of Matt Groening & Co. on Futurama and the film Idiocracy), I feel a slight hint of calmness whenever I stumble upon an article such as this. It reminds me that others have taken notice of this moment in our intellectual history, and there are others who try to spread the word and correct the course of our civilization. I can’t say I like the political nature of the article (it is my belief that people who are too invested in politics are masochists), but the central message remains the same: we’re dumbing down, and it’s only going to get worse. [story

• The last story of the day is a fitting follow-up to the above article, because it was written forty years ago, at a time when the first generation of idiots (I'm talking about the Baby Boomers, of course) were coming of age. The original article was printed in a magazine called Mechanix Illustrated, and the title is "40 Years in the Future". In the November 1968 issue of this magazine, James R. Berry attempted to look forty years ahead to what life would be like for Americans in the year 2008. Some of it is completely off-the-mark, but there are also some great predictions that actually came true. "Money has all but disappeared. Employers deposit salary checks directly into their employees' accounts. Credit cards are used for paying all bills. Each time you buy something, the card's number is fed into the store's computer station. A master computer then deducts the change from your bank balance." Berry had visions of TV screens that covered entire walls, showed text matter in color and 3-D, and supported programming such as top broadway shows, hit movies, and current nightclub acts. In some ways that is true, there have been 3-D specials (like the Superbowl Halftime Show!), you can definitely rent hit movies, and there are a wide variety of concerts and sporting events you can watch live. Of course, the stuff about the car hitting 150 mph in the suburbs and 250 mph in less built-up areas was a total bust, as was the prediction that cities would be covered in climate-controlling domes. Oh well. Anyone care to make predictions about what America will look like in 2048? Will we even still be here? I guess you might be able to hit 150 mph on open roads if nuclear war has destroyed 95% of the population... [story]

Here is music I have been enjoying of late:

Aidan Baker – Untitled 3 (This track comes from Suchness #1, the first in a new CDr series put out by Gears of Sand. The drone builds and alters ever-so-slightly over the course of seven minutes. Transcendent)
Exit In Grey – Currents (First heard of Exit In Grey through their contribution to the Mystery Sea series. This one is very similar to that. Like being alone and lost somewhere on the Pacific)
The Goslings – Vitium (Noise, noise noise, this band is a force to be reckoned with. Super heavy and super fried, it sounds like static but with barely discernable melodies)
Ilyas Ahmed – Golden Universe (His new one is fantastic. This isn’t the best track on it, but I chose it because of the total Obscure Reference-ness of it. Tell me that doesn’t sound like “Intro the Woods”)
Inca Ore – Joy (Swirling female vocals and weird, lush drones that combine to sound like the most lysergic dreams you’ve ever had)
Robedoor – Divination Calling (Like evil, haunting drones? Look no further. Dark melodies and skin-crawling uneasiness best describes these fucked up sounds)
Ufomammut – Ammonia (Crushing metal from a band I once hailed as, “The Italian Boris”. They don’t really sound like Boris anymore, this one is more like a cross between Angelic Process and Electric Wizard)