• I hope all of you will please take a minute to visit Save Chicago Culture and leave a comment on this entry to help stop the promoter’s ordinance that could effectively force the closure of every small venue in the city. The Chicago Sun Times has published the law itself, so you can read just how unreasonable and shameful it is. Unfortunately for Chicagoans, this isn’t a new attempt at controlling the music scene and legislating small venues right out of business. One of the most famed small venues in the country, Lounge Ax, was stolen from the people of Chicago when members of the rapidly gentrifying neighborhood began to complain about the noise emanating from the venue. How did the city council respond? By enacting an ordinance requiring the venue to pay excessive zoning licenses and creating a law that says all bars must be transformed into cabarets that possess the ability to serve food as well as drinks. When Lounge Ax could not comply, it was forced out of business. Who knows how many of the city’s great, small music venues will close if the council votes yes on this law. It doesn’t just punish venues, but also touring bands, theater companies, lecturers, and more, all of whom would have to buy “Event Promoters” licenses and liability insurance, get fingerprinted, submit to a background check, and more. Shame on the Chicago city council if this ordinance is passed. If you live in Chicago, find your alderman and e-mail them saying you oppose the promoter’s ordinance. If you don’t live in Chicago, copy all the e-mail addresses from this list and e-mail them anyway.

• In other, funnier, somewhat-music-related news, a man tried to cash a $360 billion check on April 30th, claiming it was given to him by his girlfriend’s mother to start a record business. Yeah, that’s $360,000,000,000.00. Man, his girlfriend’s mom must really love him to offer him more than the 2007 estimated GDP of Greece! Shit, his mom offered him more than the GDP of Israel and Hong Kong combined! That’s one rich lady…and oh man, imagine the kind of talent this guy could sign to his burgeoning record label with that kind of scratch? He could probably sign, well, everybody to quite lucrative recording contracts. It sucks that the check didn’t pass, he totally could have wrangled control of the entire music industry away from the four majors… [story]

• Some vegetarian self-aggrandizing prick is lauding himself and his kind copiously in this Slate article that tries to “debunk” “myths” about vegetarianism. I mean, the author’s name is Taylor, for fuck’s sake! Look no further than the byline for the indisputable fact that the author is a limp-wristed vagina on legs. God, who do these people think they are, Baby Boomers? Why do we carnivores care about how painstakingly hard a microscopic group of people are trying to prove their love for mama earth by eating foods that have no flavor and may possibly turn them all gay? (No, I don’t believe that, but it sure is funny!) If there’s one thing I can’t stand more than naval gazing boomers its naval gazing vegetarians and vegans. Spare me the health benefit bullshit and the eco-friendly hippie shit, and eat a fucking kobe burger or a chicken breast. Fine, make sure it’s organically reared or whatever, I don’t give a fuck. Truth is, it’s actually good for you! ANYTHING IN MODERATION CAN BE HEALTHY. Maybe they all wouldn’t look like such pasty bitches if they ate something that bled once in a while. [story]

• Speaking of eco-friendly news, the first electric car to reach 80-mph will be on sale this summer. Unsurprisingly, it looks like a child’s toy. Who the hell designs these cars, and why can’t they make them actually look like a car? I wouldn’t be so opposed to buying one if I didn’t think I would be mocked and laughed at whenever I pulled up to a red light in something that looks like this. If I drove a car like that in high school I’d probably be dead by now. I would have been atomic wedgied to death. Is it that hard to make a car that runs on electricity that actually looks like an automobile, and not a Jetson’s-themed Hot Wheels after it’s been stuck in a vise? [story]

• A sinkhole in Texas grew to the length of three football fields in two days. I guess if some huge spectral force was going to consume our planet and make us pay for all our sins, Texas would be a pretty good place to start… [story]

• And, last but not least, a story about how a student at the University of Mississippi has just received the first-ever space law certificate in the United States. That’s right, Michal Dodge is the only qualified citizen in our entire country to practice space law. What is space law? I don’t know! Will it in any way be important or lucrative during the span of Mr. Dodge’s life? Probably not. Will he be laying on his death bed someday wondering what the fuck he did with his life? One can only hope. Hey Ian, how come you settled for some shitty lawyer job in New Jersey when you could have become a SPACE LAWYER. That shit’s got prime-time cartoon series written all over it…maybe FOX will replace the God-awful American Dad show with Space Lawyer. [story]

• Remember kids, you’ve got a few days left to bid on some rare objects from my record collection as well as t-shirts I once wore in (gasp!) high school! Guaranteed to smell as much as I do! Get ‘em while you can, pay top dollar, and I’ll be sure to reward you with some one-of-a-kind surprises along with the item you’ve purchased. Click here to see what items are for sale.

Neu! – Seeland – (buy this album)
No Neck Blues Band & Embryo – After Marja’s Cats – (buy this album)
Electrelane – Blue Straggler – (buy this album)
Pizzicato Five – ジンクス – If you want this one, you can buy it directly from me. No Amazon link.

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