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On Flying First Class

By Evan ~ May 12th, 2008. Filed under: daily life.

So, not only was my experience flying first class from Newark “Liberty” Airport to Los Angeles kind of shitty, I apparently caught an illness along the way! Although I’ve flown first class (what about me doesn’t say “first class citizen”?) between Newark and Seattle twice before, this time was easily the worst. The seat configuration was two-and-two, which sucks because having only ten people in the section made the plane (which is already a claustrophobic place) seem that much smaller. The added leg room was nice, but who gives a shit, right? I was seated next to some I-banker fag who wore a turtleneck and kept his fingers in his ears to stop the roaring of the engine outside my window from causing him to go deaf. That’s another thing — I thought the engines were closer to the rear of the cabin? Why was that one right outside my window? Do you really think that I, as a first class traveler (not to mention a world class blogger, right guys?) should be rewarded for my tens of thousands of Continental frequent flyer miles by being placed right next to a roaring jet engine? That kind of second class treatment just does not befit a first class man like myself.

And then I got fucking sick.

I don’t know exactly how it happened, but I noticed yesterday that I had a slightly sore throat. Today I woke up very congested, with awesome, green-and-yellow splattered mucus oozing from my nasal cavity. By the time I was less than halfway through my shift at work, I felt like complete shit. I wanted to go home early, but to be honest I need the money. All of this, of course, raises yet another problem my first class adventure. Shouldn’t I be getting honored for my “elite” flying status? If your airline is going to infect people with gross illnesses, why don’t they just infect the second class (sorry, “coach”) passengers. There should be some kind of individual quarantine unit — like an incubator, maybe — that keeps all the good people (and by good people I mean first class folks like me) safe from the evil sick people. I bet I caught my sickness from a coacher (that’s what we elitists call the “others” on-board our flights) trying to sneak into our bathroom. That’s the only way I’ve conceived my being close enough to one of those fuckers to catch whatever third-world plague I’ve been stricken with.

What we need is a society with more clearly defined classes. There should be the first class, which includes people like me, who can afford to fly around the world eating lump crab meat, shrimp, and potato-and-truffle-stuffed pasta, and then there should be the second class, which includes people who can’t afford to fly first class. Maybe we can even devise a way to easily identify those second class “coach” citizens…like a patch we could sew onto their clothing, or something? It would also help if there was some sort of firm barrier separating us, allowing the good first class people more…what’s the phrase I’m looking for…living space? I think in German they call it “Lebensraum.” Whatever, this really is the first I’ve thought about such a program, so there’s still a lot of room for improvement in my plan.

Got any ideas? Let me know!

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