Get It? A “Bender”?

And now…a week in lists:

• If a great life is determined by the sum of a person’s accomplishments, then Modern Drunkard Magazine has a list of forty things a man should do before he dies, as related to alcohol and drunkenness. According to the author, if one can attest to having completed every task on this list, they have lived a full, enriched life. The list, by the way, includes spending a night in the drunk tank, opening and closing a bar (first guy in, last guy out), juicing on the job, stealing booze, homebrewing, and visiting the land of your ancestors and getting loaded. I think, of the forty items on this list, I have completed a dozen or so. Some of the others I don’t need to try, and others I just can’t afford (who the hell can afford airfare to Lithuania, anyway?). How about you, how far along the path to greatness are you? [story]

• Similarly, a website known simply as “Tasty Booze” has produced an article entitled, “Top 10 Drinking Achievements Before You Die”. Not to be outdone by the list of forty things to achieve before death, this list includes much more manageable goals (Yeah, it’s easy to get arrested and thrown in a drunk tank, but it’s also a bit…what’s the word…garish?). I know a thing or two about wine, I’ve blacked out before noon, I drink scotch sometimes, and I’ve been on pub crawls. Drinking a case in a day would be simplistic if I wasn’t so choosy about what kind of beer I like drinking, and going to an AA meeting would be even easier if it wasn’t for it being unfavorable to my busy schedule of working and blogging and struggling to eat. [story]

• While (still) on the subject of drinking, here’s a list of fourteen songs that one should never play at a bar. Ah, yes, the old “pump a jukebox full of quarters and put the same song on repeat fifteen times” trick. Oh, how I am familiar with you. Anyone remember Ian’s birthday at White Horse Tavern when we abused David Bowie’s “Rock ‘N Roll Suicide”? Or the time I was drinking in Montana and spent 10 dollars surreptitiously putting “Moonlight Mile” on repeat? Another trick, of course, is to play an entire album start to finish. When I was in Louisville the guys from My Morning Jacket and VHS Or Beta purchased Nevermind and OK Computer back to back (which I followed with Sticky Fingers, which I guess was due to my feeling nostalgia for that night in Montana), but it would have been much more memorable had I chosen something like…Razorblade Suitcase. Anyway, the list of songs you shouldn’t play at a bar includes: “All I Wanna Do” by Sheryl Crow, “Dancing Queen” by ABBA, and “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey. Hey, Nicci. Did you see that one? [story]

• Lastly, in an unrelated article (that is, it’s not about drinking, bars, or alcoholism) about the apocalypse. This one, from WIRED, lists the ten best apocalyptic vehicles. That is, the ten cars that are best suited to roam the scorched wasteland left in the wake of a devastating nuclear war. Sadly, my dear Volvo S40 isn’t on the list, which I guess means that I’m not going to survive a nuclear holocaust. If I do manage to escape, at least I’m in L.A., where it shouldn’t be too hard to find a hummer. Also, I live in Echo Park, so clearly there’s an ironic unicycle being stored in a garage somewhere in the vicinity of my home by some hipster dufus who will probably perish during the thermonuclear showdown. Then again, hipsters are so pasty they might all survive the lack of sunlight nuclear winter provides. Fuck, I’m doomed! [story]

• Oh yeah, and the only non-list-oriented news story of the day is one about how “bad guys really do get the most girls”, and I should know, because I’m one of the bad boys. My “being just slightly evil” has indeed led to “a prolific sex life”. I’m like the James Bond of…I don’t know, I’m the James Bond of whatever my element is. Ironic that the scientists who conducted this study probably spent all their time outside the lab crying hysterically over the fact that they weren’t “bad” enough to get laid. [story]

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