Baby Boomers Are Pussies

Good Wednesday, space tourists! Now that I have returned from a week of groveling and panhandling, I can return to my normal routine — that is, making fun of musicians and baby boomers, and manifesting the occasional mix tape to rape your virgin ears. Sorry, I know rape jokes aren’t funny. They’re mean. Like the act of forced sexual intercourse on a male or woman. Hey, wasn’t that movie Battle Royale really unimpressive? I prefer the Ralph Ellison short story from Invisible Man (1952), which was about a black student being forced to fight other black students in a boxing style ring that had an electric current running through it. And that shit was written forty-plus years before this Japanese shit.

Hey, have you heard, “Baby Boomers Got The Blues!” This might be the happiest day I’ve had in quite some time. I’m sure my friend X-er who writes for The Worst Generation Ever would surely agree. “More than older or younger generations, boomers — born from 1946 (hi mom!) to 1964 — worry that their income won’t keep up with rising costs of living. They say it’s harder to get ahead today than it was 10 years ago. They are more likely to say that their standard of living is lower than their folks’ but that things don’t look too good for their kids either (67 percent of younger generations, meanwhile, feel they have it better than their parents).” While I take great pride in hearing that people of my generation feel we have it better than our parents, that is simply untrue. We have more personal freedoms, but we have less occupational opportunities (boomers are living and working longer), face unreasonable costs of living (boomers drove it up too high), and have had to eke out our livings through a horrible “economic downturn” that is the product of our current boomer government. I don’t really know what 67% of younger generations polled are thinking when they say we have it better than our parents. Our parents created the problem, and lots of ‘em made good money in doing so. Boomers have the highest median income, they can more easily afford housing and health care, and they have impeccable job security. I really don’t see why they’re complaining so much…but it sure makes for a humorous read.

But wait — it gets better. “Now they are the sandwich generation. Now, they are caring for aging parents who live longer and longer and longer, and for boomerang children who graduate from college and move right back home, sans rent or rules.” Ugh. Fuck those old assholes who need care from their boomer children. Why can’t they just die already? And, really, why can’t those meddling kids just get a job like their boomer parents did when they graduated college. Can’t we see that the boomer population in America needs a little me time? They can’t be bothered to…you know…care about anyone else or do something that isn’t entirely hedonistic and selfish. And now they’re fucking complaining about it like a bunch of stupid twats. Fuck ‘em. Not you mom, I love you, even if you’re just as bad as all those other crotchety boomer douchebags who bemoan having to help out their kids with a credit card bill every now and again. It’s not our fault you raised us in your own “me me me” image.

Baby Boomer and business owner Mary Furlong says that in the ’70s, “We were going to build and idealistic culture. We weren’t going to be alone. We were going to leave the world a better place.” And then they elected Reagan, got dollar signs in their eyes, sold out their neighbors, killed the middle class, rode the economic boom of the ’90s, raised their kids to be just as spoiled as they were, started a war because they realized that’s what their parents did when they were middle aged, and now they’re moping around like a bunch of whiny bitches because the world totally didn’t get better. Everybody was too fucking busy buying trinkets and electronics and SUVs. Whoops!

The moral of the article is that if you were raised in the ’50s and ’60s you had a vision of the American Dream, and you pretty much expected that when you reached a certain age, you too would attain that dream. Unfortunately, being happy isn’t a right, it is a privilege, and once you’ve alienated yourself and 76 million of your peers it’s pretty hard to find any semblance of true happiness. Oh sure, people like Mary Furlong can continue running their consultant firms, make good money, dine out and buy over-sized high definition flat-screen television for the living rooms in the houses they own, but is that really going to bring them happiness? Of course not, they’re just going whine and bitch more about how their damned kids and damned parents only want to watch informative programs about peak oil or the war on terrorism instead of more ‘boomer talking heads harping about the ’60s and how cool things were back in the day.

They’re a bunch of pussies with grossly distended labia.