Film Review: Wall-E

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Well, I waited as long as I possibly could, but last night I finally had to give in and take Nicci to see Wall-E. The week it opened, pretty much everybody I interacted with mentioned how they had just just gone to see it. They all said it was incredible. I, being the staunch contrarian that I am, suggested that each one of them was a “total fucking retard” who “probably didn’t know what the fuck they were talking about.”

“No,” they told me, “It’s so not a kids movie.” In fact, it was just the opposite! One by one, they informed me that Wall-E is rife with social commentary, that I’d barely notice I was watching an animated film, and that it’s –at it’s core — a love movie. I remained skeptical, as all skeptics do until they finally give something a chance to impress them. When I suggested dinner and a movie to Nicci, she instantly perked up and asked if we could see Wall-E. Whatever.

I don’t remember who suggested seeing the film at El Capitan, but…oh man, what a weird way to see a movie. They make everyone line up in an alley adjacent to the theater, and then someone ushers everybody inside at the same time. Unless you have VIP seats, you have to sit in the second tier, I think, because no one was allowed to enter the first level of seats. We got pretty good aisle seats near the center VIP seats on the second tier. As we made our way inside, the soothing sounds of a Wurlitzer greeted us. Some guy performs old Disney songs on his organ (wouldn’t that make for a cool YouTube video — a guy playing Disney tunes with his dick?) while people in the crowd hum or sing along. I instantly started to wonder what neat gadget I could have purchased for myself with the $25 I spent on two movie tickets. Nicci seemed to be enjoying herself and the Wurlitzer tunes.

They showed two previews, both of which made me die inside a little bit. There was the one where there’s a dog who’s in a Truman Show scenario, and another that has animated Chihuahuas singing “Chihuahua” over and over. “No” I said to Nicci.

After the previews but before the movie, they did a revue of old Disney tunes with dancers and people dressed in costume parading around the stage in front of the movie screen. I couldn’t get beyond the fact that people in the audience were clapping as the characters entered the stage. What the hell is wrong with people? Do they really think, “Oh! It’s the lobster from The Little Mermaid“? Are they that dense? It’s a fucking goofball acting student from some community college wearing a cheap costume. They really don’t need to have their arrivals on stage cheered. I could maybe understand cheering if like, Tom Hanks and Tim Allen were accepting an award for being in Toy Story, but…for fuck’s sake…people were snapping photos like they were witnessing a moment of historical importance, and really it was nothing short of middle school choreography and disco ball.

The movie. What can I say about the movie. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but I certainly wouldn’t call it one of the year’s best films. Then again, I don’t see a lot of movies, so who knows. Perhaps someone who goes to the movies often would think Wall-E is great compared to, like, American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile. I thought the social commentary was a bit pedestrian. I mean, is it really poignant to address how we’re slothful and arrogant and dumb and ruining our planet when pretty much everyone already knows how horrible we’re treating ourselves and our planet? I really wouldn’t say that the movie’s message spoke to issues that aren’t already commonly addressed in films or on television.

Every few minutes I was reminded of Idiocracy. The rampant consumerism, laziness and ineptitude, the design of the ship and the advertisements shown on all the monitors and television screens were total throwbacks to the aforementioned Mike Judge film, Futurama and more. I thought the not-so-subtle nod to 2001: A Space Odyssey was “cute”, but then again I’m really a fan of “cute”. I don’t know if it’s an incredible coincidence that Sigourney Weaver was the voice of Ship’s Computer in Wall-E almost six years after she voiced the Planet Express Ship in the episode of Futurama entitled “Love and Rocket”, which was also loosely based on 2001: A Space Odyssey. Spooky, I know.

The animation was good. It’s definitely a lot different than the Disney movies I remember seeing as a kid. People were telling me that, “after a while you forget that you’re watching an animated movie,” but I never really got that feeling. Don’t get me wrong, when it’s just the robot trolling around making trash piles, it doesn’t look much like animation, but that cockroach character and the more-futuristic robot girl both definitely looked animated.

Ah, the love story. Totally heart-warming, in a way that my heart isn’t normally warmed. But then again, I don’t like love stories. I’m more a fan of films where high school girls give it up for free, and dudes run around with guns blazing, shooting everything that breathes. My favorite movie as a child was Terminator 2. I liked how the Terminator shot anything in his path, even if he didn’t have to. I also liked that Guns ‘N’ Roses song at the end of the film. Wall-E would have been a billion times better if it had some dudes ripping guitar solos all over the place while chugging beers and breaking the bottles over their heads. That would have rocked. Instead, I had to watch two animated robots fall in love with each other and a fat dude voiced by Jeff Garlin ask his computer “Define ‘sea’”.

If you’re looking to see a movie, you can do a lot worse than Wall-E. You could accidentally stumble into a theater showing Love Guru or Meet Dave. Me? I’m more excited for the new Batman movie — which I’ll be previewing Wednesday night / Thursday morning, and reviewing Thursday. Expect me to rant about how that dead guy from Ten Things I Hate About You does not deserve Oscar consideration for playing The Joker. In a Batman movie. I can’t even remember his name anymore. Oh well, he’s dead now.