Top Ten Fucked Up Things That Could Happen To You Today

For the first time in I don’t know how long, I’m writing and editing this post inside Blogger’s posting template. Usually I type it (html and all!) as a text document and then copy/paste it into Blogger, because their style tools can wreck havoc on an otherwise finely coded piece of journalism. Someone should put that on a t-shirt with the swan logo. “Swan Fungus: Finely coded journalism”.

I think that first story, the one about the beheading, is worth looking into a little more deeply. It was first brought to my attention yesterday morning by Matt, who has a special way of finding fascinating news stories before I do. He keyed me into this version of the article, written for MSNBC. In it, the guy sitting behind the murderer and victim said he did not hear them speak to one another, and the victim appeared to be sleeping with headphones on when the man started stabbing him. He said, “We heard this bloodcurdling scream and turned around, and the guy was standing up, stabbing this guy repeatedly, like 40 or 50 times.” Then everyone ran off the bus in horror. Then the driver and the guy giving the account went back onto the bus to see what was happening, and they watched as the dude cut the victim’s head off. The attacker lunged at them, they got off the bus, and then the killer went back to the body, cut the head off, walked to the front of the bus, showed off the head to everyone, and then went back to the body again to continue cutting it up.

It really makes you think, doesn’t it? You wake up and you feel like you’re going to have a bad day, and the worst thing that happens is you get called into work a few hours early, or you’re asked to stay an hour or two late. Then you wake up a few days later and feel like a million bucks, but fuck it if some psycho doesn’t behead you and mutilate your body on a god damned bus. You never know when crazy shit is going to happen to you. In keeping with the historic “low” mood of our country (as reported by CNN) and this nauseating tale of random violence, today’s top ten list is devoted to ten fucked up things that could potentially happen to you today.

Top Ten Fucked Up Things That Could Happen To You Today

10. Pink slip – It’s not that uncommon. Most people go through five or more career changes in their lives, and I can’t hep but think that statistic includes firings or layoffs. I’ve never been fired, though I have stopped working for someone without receiving any pay, and I can’t imagine a more fucked up thing happening than my waltzing into work today and finding a pink slip attached to my pay stub for the week. I have to think that would suck. Maybe not as much as being ritualistically carved up like a Thanksgiving turkey by some lunatic on a bus, but yeah, it would suck to all of a sudden be fired.

09. UFO encounter – That means I’m leaving the possibility open that you could be abducted and prodded, and not just experience a simple UFO sighting.

08. Car Wreck – Yesterday I was pulling out of a spot on Sunset near the Vegan Spot (Nick says “try the Reuben” but I liked the Philly Cheese Steak enough to order it again), and some asshole in a Honda veered from the left-most lane into the lane I was pulling into at full speed, missing the driver’s side door by about a fraction of an inch. I tried to race after him as fast as I could, just to tell the guy that he’d almost killed me, but then I realized he was driving a shitty, beat-up Honda and it wasn’t worth my time to chase after a guy who probably wasn’t here legally and was likely carrying a weapon. Whatever, if that’s racist, so be it. I think extreme situations cause us to rationlize impure thoughts in such a way that stereotypes become more than acceptable. The point is, you could not be paying attention and someone could kill you while you’re driving home empty-handed after looking for a fucking night table in an antique store. Gayest death ever.

07. Your chick is pregnant – Do you have any idea how expensive abortions are? Because I don’t. They don’t tell you in high school health class that it’s going to cost somewhere between the price of a battered Walter Wegmueller LP and a VG++ 2nd State Butcher cover. Maybe if Mr. Purdy had used figures and terms that I could understand, like record collecting dollars-and-cents, I’d still be a virgin. Anyway, surprise pregnancies are the worst. Way worse than your average pregnancy scare. But, then again, if you choose to date a young neurotic Jewish girl you’re pretty much consenting to monthly pregnancy scares. Dating Jewish girls sucks. They only ever want to use their hand.

06. Your pet is dead – You wake up, and there’s Muffy, laying at the foot of your bed, on its back, totally still. You’ve feared the moment your pet would die from the moment you rescued it from the shelter, but you dismissed those thoughts as depressing. Now it’s happening. Shitty way to start your day, huh?

05. Your family is dead – They were flying out to visit you and the engines stalled. Or maybe the bus didn’t take that turn sharply enough and they plummeted to their death. Either way, they’re dead now, and you’re all alone. It seems like a frightening proposition, but maybe it’s time you start making some friends so that it’ll lessen the blow when everyone you loved inevitably perishes as the exact same moment.

04. Food poisoning – I don’t think I’ve ever experienced it (knock on wood), but I hear it’s pretty much the worst thing imaginable. I just like to picture puking and shitting all over the place, completely numb to one’s surroundings, and being so out of it that you’re unsure whether it’s better to shit in the toilet and puke on the floor or puke in the toilet and shit on the floor. I don’t know, that’s the impression I get from watching a lot of television and hearing horror stories from friends. Maybe food poisoning isn’t that bad. I imagine annorexic high school girls have no problem eating sushi on a Thursday even though the delivery came last Friday. They probably go out to restaurants hoping to eat something “off”.

03. Surprise rape – If you’re a man, you really only have to worry about a surprise rape if you’re in prison. At best, you only have to worry about being mugged. Women have it much worse, they have to worry about being mugged and raped. I hear it’s pretty painful both emotionally and physically (from television). It’s also probably a really fucked up way to end or start your day.

02. Roofied – You might think you’re going out to that bar or party to have a good time, but what if someone you don’t know (or someone you do know) roofies your drink. You could be in for a very long night, my friend. I hear some succeptible people can stop breathing and die. That would totally fuck up a good time. Nicci’s neighbors want to have a small party with a roofie theme, where drinks are lined up on a table and every party guest gets a drink, one of which is roofied. Entering the party is like a binding contract that implies you’re okay with potentially being roofied. I don’t know if it’ll ever happen, but if it does, I’m sure you’ll read about it here.

01. Beheaded on a bus – Yeah, honestly, I don’t know how it could be any worse than this. Getting butchered and beheaded on a bus is probably the most fucked up thing that could happen to any of us today. The poor guy this happened to was just taking the bus somewhere to pick up his friend, and look what happened to him: stabbed 40-50 times, head cut off, then God knows what else happened once the killer finished showing off the head and returned to the body. Remind me never to go on another bus, especially one where the in-busride movie is Zorro-related. I think the last bus I took that involved watching a movie was to Great Adventure in high school, and we watched Mallrats. No one ever feels inspired to carve up the person sitting next to them during a comedy. If, as Matt says, “You never know when you wake up in the morning what fucked up shit is going to happen to you,” I’m pretty sure this one beats all of ‘em.