Good morning, slackers. Why aren’t you outside enjoying your weekend? Are you that lazy? Or are you just being ironic and trying to shove it in my face that I have to work all day. “Hey, this is probably what Evan does all day…sit online and read blogs.” Sorry, I don’t read “blogs”, that shit is for losers. I write a blog, and that shit is for really big losers. I hope the weather is nice, wherever you are. If you’re somewhere along the East Cast between the Carolinas and New England, I hope the tropical storm isn’t keeping you from doing something enjoyable today. Maybe now would be a good time for you to go back through the past week or two and download all the albums I’ve posted. Listen to some good music, for a change!
Or, you can let me read the news to you like your grandmother used to right before she succumbed to geriatric disease.
• Lucky kids, did any of you notice that CNN / CareerBuilder.com published two new articles this week? It’s kind of funny, you know? The unemployment rate rose dramatically this week, and those assholes think it’s the easiest thing in the world to get a decent paying job. They think it’s so easy, they’ve created a list of fifteen jobs that pay $70,000 per year. The best part is, these jobs are all expected to increase in demand over the next eight years, and a lot of them don’t require a PH.D. or ten years experience. Believe me, I was hooked on the article, too. Until I saw the types of jobs that were being promoted. Radiation therapist? That sounds safe. I’m sure none of them develop cancer after working with radiation every day. Nuclear power reactor operator? I wonder how much the operator from Chernobyl receives each month for disability…Oh, “management analyst”! That sounds vague enough to be (probably) the least interesting job on earth. Computer systems analyst! No experience required? Really? Something about that doesn’t seem right. You know what — don’t read the article. This list is retarded. Veterinarians need experience and specialized degrees — they even have their own schools, like doctors, which require about four years of study. I don’t know, that doesn’t sound to me like a job any average Joe can get. Likewise, I’m pretty sure Administrative law judges need to know quite a bit about American law in order to resolve a dispute between the government and a citizen. Oh well, thanks for nothing CNN and CareerBuilder, maybe one of these days you’ll finally publish an article with relevance. [story]
• But wait — have no fear! For those of us who just want to get our hands dirty and not dabble in nuclear power plants or administrative bullshit, CNN and CareerBuilder stormed back this week with a second article outlining ten new blue-collar jobs! Oh man, remember when everything was as simple as blue-collar and white-collar? And there were people who sat behind desks getting fatter every day, and there were the people who actually made the country work by using their own strength and will and intuition? Those days were awesome. That’s when America meant something, and it was a time when a man was a man, not some make-up wearing, tight-clothes buying “metrosexual”. What the fuck happened to the blue-collared folks? And how the hell can I get myself involved in some of that awesome self-gratifying work? Well, a landscaper makes $21,000, a tile and marble setter makes $36,000 each year, and a structural and reinforcing iron and metal working makes $40,000 a year! Holy shit, I don’t even know what that shit means! But it pays me money for using my hands. I could do that! No, wait. I can’t. Fuck. I totally forgot I’m Jewish. We’re allergic to manual labor. Thanks again for nothing, CNN / CareerBuilder! [story]
• I’m sure you’ve read about this already, but a man walked into a Denny’s in northern California and tried to amputate his arm with a butter knife and then a butcher knife. Why? Because he’d just mainlined some coke and sent a bit of air into his vein. Paranoia took over and he began to fear he was going to die. Luckily, the man didn’t succeed. He was taken to the hospital so that his cuts could be treated, and Denny’s closed for the remainder of the night. Area meth addicts and old folks were reported as being “depressed” about the lack of Denny’s in Modesto, CA that night. They were all really looking forward to quiet relaxing evening scarfing down a plate of Big Dipper French Toastix or a 1,280 calorie Meat Lover’s Scramble. [story]
• You can eat all the Denny’s you want if you just read and follow the advice in this Health.com article, which details nine secrets to a healthier heart. Step one is “get milk”, and — shit, I can’t get milk, I’m lactose intolerant! Oh well, I guess I’ll never have a health heart, and I’ll probably drop dead in the next five years if I keep eating all the fried-up, greasy treats I’ve grown accustomed to eating every day. Step two is to try tai chi? Does that cost money? It sounds expensive. Step three is to eat fish. I can do that. I love eating dead things. Step four. Pomegranate juice. Hmm…do you think those Pomegranate refreshers at Trader Joe’s count? Those are tasty and fulfill my daily soda pop requirement. Step six is to laugh more? Forget it. These people are retarded. This article was written by a moron. I give up. I’ll never be healthy no matter how hard I try. [story]
• Anyone got a spare $6,000 dollars laying around? I know this guy…this chinese guy…word is, he can get us a deal on an 18-month-old bull that has six legs. It grew another set of legs on its back, man. Imagine showing up to a party with that thing on your arm? You’d be king for a day, my friend. Do it. DO IT. Buy the bull. [story]
• Screw all that talk about bee populations dwindling. Did you know that fireflies are, like, endangered species now? Think about it: when was the last time you actually saw a firefly? I don’t recall seeing one in the last decade, and I spend a lot of time outdoors at night. Along the banks of the Mae Klong River in Thailand, tourists used to watch thousands of fireflies light up the night sky. In that one area alone, the firefly population has dropped seventy percent. Personally, I hold children responsible. They run around screaming in backyards all across America, catching hundreds of fireflies every night, all summer long, and then they kill the insects by putting them in jars where they can’t breathe. Nice going, children. I suggest we go out at night and round up hundreds and hundreds of children, and put THEM in jars with no air so that they can’t breathe. Once morning comes around, those little bitches will have learned a thing or two about humility. By the way, is capturing children and killing them illegal? It sounds like it might be. [story]
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