Good Saturday, everybody! I hope you’re weekends are all filled with joy and relaxation. I’ll be…uh…working. All day. It sucks, I know. Don’t worry, one of these days I’ll get a proper job with free weekends, like the rest of you. Hell, I might even make a few more bucks while I’m at it. In the meantime, let’s all laugh at some goofy news stories and make fun of some poor unfortunate souls, shall we?
• Newsman Jack reporting from the far East (Essex County, New Jersey) sent along this urgent message across the wire, “Police called to investigate a strange smell in a block of flats found a horse jammed into a ventilation shaft 12 storeys [sic] up.” Hmm…okay. I guess that’s a newsworthy story in Serbia. That has to be a pretty large ventilation shaft though, right? I mean, unless it was a dwarf horse. I could see a dwarf horse, or a dwarf foal or yearling fitting into an air vent, but…the thought of a full-grown horse being shoved into a tiny hole — while certainly a humorous mental image — just doesn’t seam plausible. I guess what I’m getting at is, if you were trying to jam a horse into a ventilation shaft in a Serbian flat, what would be the best technique for getting that done without damaging the horse? [story]
• “Half of Americans believe in angels,” while the other half are “not retarded” (that second quote is my quote, it’s not in the article). [story]
• This isn’t so much a news story as it is just a very weird message board thread. The theme appears to be pornographic images re-worked in Microsoft Paint to become “safe for work”. This thread is hard evidence that there are a lot of creative people using the Internet today, and I’m pretty sure none of them have social lives. I guess the link is safe for work? I sure wouldn’t want to be caught looking at it by my boss, though… [story]
• The Onion has a great story about those struggling New York Mets, and how they’ve attempted to quell their downfall by combining all of their ballplayers into one “400-foot tall field robot called Carlos Voltron.” In his first game as a Met, Voltron (a 20,000-ton behemoth) performed amazingly, helping his team to a seemingly insurmountable 600-0 lead. Then, in the top of the ninth, the giant robot was replaced by human relief pitcher Aaron Heilman, “who lost the lead and eventually the game after giving up 618 runs to close the inning.” Ouch. God damn you, Omar Minaya. I hate you. [story]
• The brightest minds in Japan have turned their attention away from building cyborg houses and dog translators, and moved onto a new science-fiction pipedream: building an elevator to the stars. It might sound like a lyric stolen from a song penned by Seal, but in reality the slanty-eyed math experts think they can actually build a device that will carry us 22,000 miles into the sky. “Just like traveling abroad, anyone will be able to ride the elevator into space,” or so says the chairman of the Japan Space Elevator Association. Far be it from me to tell the Japs what to do with their time and money, but I think a better investment might be to buy up all the copies of new Boris records, because once those things go out-of-print, rich collectors pay out the asshole for them! In other news, Fuck Boris for perpetuating the “limited edition” culture. By the way, I’m not alone on thinking that it sucks, Grails/OM drummer Emil Amos thinks so, too! Take that, faceless Internet message board users who don’t like my website! [story]
• Oh, by the way, your fingers and toes evolved from fins. *The More You Know* [story]
• “Just a few blocks from the bustle of Wall Street sits $200 billion in gold.” Remember that scene from Die Hard With A Vengeance where Jeremy Irons and his cast of German mercenaries break into the Federal Reserve Bank and steal all the gold? That was incredible! The slutty blonde chick took a sickle to that dude’s neck and blood spurted everywhere! It was amazing! A lot of people didn’t like that installment in the Die Hard series, but I did. And for a while there, I considered Die Hard 2 to be the best of the bunch, but I think it was because that was the first one I saw. Now I’m back to thinking the original Die Hard was the best. I’ll watch that shit any time it’s on TV. Anyway, I think a few of us should go after the world’s gold. It’s just sitting there, in a heavily-fortified vault. And in the last two days the price of one ounce of gold rose from $110 to $870. Or, at the very least, pool our money together and invest in gold. That shit never decreases in value, does it? It’s just…gold. Fine, at the very least, we should at least buy some gold-flecked paint and paint all our dicks and titties gold. [story]
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