Podcast Jack (The Best Podcast You Have blog is operational again!) sent a flurry of intriguing news items this week, like how the flight crew on an Air India passenger jet discovered a snake on a plane recently. It happened! I knew it would someday happen! Snakes on a plane! Granted, it was only one snake (and the airline is denying that it was venomous), but a blood-thirsty, human-hating snake actually turned up on a passenger jet, and now maybe people will stop joking about how the plot of the major motion picture Snakes On A Plane wasn’t entirely implausible. Even cooler than the discovery of the snake is the fact that the news source, WAtoday, actually referenced the film and called it a “hit”. By the way, Julianna Margulies has a vagina and it was captured by cameras this week (Definitely NSFW). [story]
Jack also provided the “story” about the giant ice penis, which this news source — I swear to God — calls a “cockberg”. Imagine you’re the captain of the Titanic, and you’re navigating dangerous waters in the northern Atlantic. Then a fucking dick-shaped iceberg tears your vessel a new asshole, so to speak. Wouldn’t that be the most demoralizing thing ever? You and all your passengers would be drowning or freezing to death in icy waters, and your last thought would be, “I can’t believe I’m going to die because of a fucking wang-shaped chunk of ice. That’s a bunch of bullshit.” And then you’d die. It’d be the most embarrassing death ever. Well, breaking your neck trying to suck your own dick might be a little worse. Or choking to death on a dick. Yeah, those are two more embarrassing cock-related deaths. [story]
Sports Illustrated is promoting this story that may offer proof that baseball came from England, and was invented some 50 years before the birth of baseball in America. The author provides a great wealth of detail and background information regarding the diarist who sort-of maybe referenced playing the game. One historian claims, “I know his handwriting very well. He printed it o show [the game] was new to him.” Then you finally get to the diary entry, and it says, “Went to Stoke Ch. This morning. After Dinner Went to Miss Jeale’s to play at Base Ball with her, the 3 Miss Whiteheads, Miss Billinghurst, Miss Molly Flutter, Mr. Chandler, Mr. Ford & H. Parsons & Jelly. Drank Tea and stayed till 8.” I’m sorry, that says nothing about playing baseball to me. It says he went to someone’s estate (or house or whatever they have in England) to play AT base ball. What the fuck is with the use of “at” in that sentence? Is “Base Ball” a different place than the person’s house? Could it be a dance-related thing (you know, like a ball)? Perhaps the best evidence that this is not a huge revelation is that the diarist mentions FOUR women in his list of names, and claims that he went to a woman’s house to play. Well, we all know women don’t play baseball. They play SOFTBALL. Baseball is too difficult for women to play, and women are not strong nor smart enough to understand the nuances of the game. They never will be. All they’ve been good for, historically, is cooking and doing my laundry all the time. Not playing baseball. Sorry, Sports Illustrated, you haven’t broken any startling news story; your article is just a load of shit. [story]
Nicci sent in this article from the Star Tribune in Minnesota. Apparently 3.5 million federal stamps featuring artwork by a local artist are affixed to a card that bears a misprinted phone number. The correct number should have read 1-800-782-6724 (STAMP24), but the misprint was 1-800-872-6724 (TRAMP24). Folks who were looking for additional stamps instead were dialing a phone sex number! Fuck, I remember when my friends and I used to try and dial phone sex numbers from the payphone outside our middle school. We also tried the “Hooked On Phonics” phone number a lot, with little results. I was always the kid who lied and said he got through to an operator when dialing 1-800-DIAL-SEX. No one ever believed me, and why should they!? Those things cost money! [story]
CareerBuilder.com reports that one-in-five employers use social networking sites to research job candidates. So that’s why I haven’t gotten any callbacks following my most recent foray into the job application process. According to a survey of hiring managers, the top causes for dismissing candidates are: posting information about drinking or drug use, provocative or inappropriate photographs, bad-mouthing previous companies or employees, and exhibiting poor communications skills. Well, I have a degree in Communications (with honors!), so that can’t be why I can’t land a job. Of course I’ve posted inappropriate photographs. Isn’t that what social networking is all about!? Also, are pictures of me blacking out considered “posting information about drinking…”? Because if it is, I might have to amend my MySpace and Facebook profiles. [story]
“A large fossilized footprint…is about 11 inches wide and about 15 inches long.” A man found it on his property, and claims its a footprint. By the look of the rock, there’s absolutely no evidence that it contains a fossilized footprint. But hey, I’m no archaeologist. I just had a set of Egyptian hieroglyphic stamps when I was a child. Also, you know what else is 11 inches wide and 15 inches long? … [story]
You know it’s a slow news week when the New York Times devotes space to an article about the Jersey Devil. One look at the “hunters” who are endlessly searching for the mythical beast of New Jersey’s Pine Barrens will instantly remind you of that D&D club from your high school that was started by the four kids who never seemed to see playing outside during recess. The Jersey Devil doesn’t exist. We just have really, really big deer in Jersey, and sometimes they run across the highway super-fast and you feel like you’re seeing an alien creature. It’s really not that complicated. In fact, I’d go so far as to say anyone who believes in the existence of the Jersey Devil is retarded. [story]
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