There are two care packages left to send domestically (Mike in Brooklyn and Bennett in MD), and then I’ve got five or six to send internationally. So if you’ve been waiting since July and wondering “Where’s my fucking Thank You, asshole!” … it’s in the mail (probably). I hope you people are enjoying them, I’ve only gotten one or two responses.
While I wait for Ian to complete his contribution as guest writer (reviewing and sharing photographs from this weekend’s All Tomorrow’s Parties festival), I’ll devote a quick post to the world news update, since I neglected to report any news stories this weekend. My sincerest apologies, as I thought the Spiritualized review/photos made for a better blog entry than my making blowjob jokes in a paragraph-long editorial regarding the latest alien encounter story from England. Check back later tonight, as maybe I’ll have something from Ian to post. Until then, here’s the news!
• I can’t remember which one of your beautiful loyal readers sent me this news story, but apparently “the cuplate” already exists, at least in some form. I mean, seriously… Who the fuck thought of this!? They had to be at least as high as Ilya was when the idea came to him, and that guy’s really, really high all the time! In any event, I was shocked — SHOCKED — to see that someone had already invented the “Go Plate,” and I’m sure you’ll be just as shocked while reading about it. My mind is blown. [story]
• Podcast Jack says: “DeNiro and Pacino want to play women in a movie,” and follows it up by adding “…And so fucking hot. So hot.” At first I thought he was joking, but according to this story he’s not kidding. A blurb at IMDB reads that the Oscar winners want to “dress up and play sisters” in a comedy. I wonder if by “sisters” they mean “black girls”. Your thoughts? [story]
• Jack also submits this story with the tagline, “You’re not real, and these are MY sandwiches.” A police sergeant in Rockaway, New Jersey stole $30 worth of breakfast sandwiches from a local Quick Chek [sic]. Now, I love Egg McMuffins, I love Seymour’s (Livingston, NJ) Lancer Specials, I love pretty much any combination of meat, egg and cheese placed delicately between opposing poles of breaded goodness (toast, bagel, muffin, et. al.), but I don’t love them enough to steal them. So, if you would please, get in touch with someone at McDonald’s and tell them I haven’t eaten at any of their burger stands since my freshman year of college, but if they’d like to send me a few coupons for free Egg McMuffins (I just plugged that sandwich on my blog — that’s free advertising!), I’d be very appreciative. And by that I mean I might give you a handjob. [story]
• Although Jack didn’t submit this as a news story, you have to watch this weird YouTube video he edited. It’s…it’s weird. [video] You can also watch two insane videos starring Jack and Ken (you remember Ken, right? Drummer? Obscure References? Helped design this page? Flying Scissors movie? C’mon!) by clicking here and here.
• “In-Flight WiFi Just Perfect for Enjoying Porn,” and really, the article doesn’t have to say much else. According to this article from Gothamist, American Airlines has received “a lot of complaints” regarding passengers using the Internet for pornographic purposes. In other news, you can apparently pay for free Wi-Fi on airplanes now, but you can’t use a telephone? That seems a bit ridiculous, no? Surely wireless electronic connections onboard a plane cause more harm to equipment than cellular phones, right? I mean, I don’t know that for certain (in fact I don’t know that at all!), but it seems possible. Let it not go unsaid that I am a very talented news reporter who doesn’t shy away from publishing an unproven theory without any scientific evidence whatsoever. [story]
• Larry David, be damned. He once joked, “The closest I’ve ever come to death was masturbating with a 105 temperature,” but a new piece in the Journal of Medical Hypotheses states that jerking off when you’re sick could be just what the doctor ordered! In “Ejaculation as a potential treatment of nasal congestion in mature mails,” (I swear, that’s the actual title) the author proposes that a proper schedule of masturbation or sexual intercourse could keep one’s nose clear for the rest of his life! It sounds incredible. It sounds like the greatest medical advice one could ever receive. Trust me, it doesn’t work. [story]
• The “ten coolest small towns in America”, according to MSNBC, contains three places I’ve visited before. I’ve been to Port Jervis, New York (I broke two fingers whle at summer camp, and they drove me to an orthopedic surgeon’s office there — I didn’t need surgery but I had McDonald’s for lunch). I’ve been to Truth Or Consequences, New Mexico (twice!), and I’ve been to White River Junction, Vermont. All are nice, but none are as nice as that town where the chicks all run around topless, fist-fucking each other and deep frying Snickers bars for the men while we drink Imperial Stouts and pick which lady we went to pair off and mate with. In my humble opinion, that’s the best goddamned town in the world. [story]
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