So, how did your dates go? Swimmingly, I imagine? Well, you should do yourself a favor and write down all the gory details (tightness/wetness/rapidity of intercourse/etc.) so that we can laugh at you for banging an ugly, desperate woman. Or, you can forgo the trauma of having to relive a bad experience, and simply enjoy today’s news update with stories from around the globe. None of the following stories have anything to do with dating or sex. Actually, that’s not true. I’m pretty sure I managed to turn each of the following stories into a diatribe about sex.
• “Weird news from all over the globe” has devised a list of the ten most bizarre world records. One might even call it a “Top Ten” list. According to Matt, top ten lists are the absolute worst thing one can write about on their blog if they’re attempting to use their blog as a source of income. I guess that’s why I’m not rich yet, like that guy who MS Paints cum stains on celebrities’ faces twenty times a day. I mean, I’ve tried it before (several times, in fact), but “indie” kids don’t have senses of humor so no one thought it was all that funny. I guess the person responsible for this list (which includes boring bullshit like “world’s longest fingernails!” and “world’s longest diary!”) doesn’t make a lot of money either. There are Ad Council advertisements all over that page, too! See, I’m just like everybody else! No one of any importance wants to pay me for advertising space. Except Magic Hat, and they’re awesome. Too bad none of you can see that ad unless you live in the Northeast. [story]
• “The amazing natural wonders captured by the world’s best photographers. Notably absent from this list — which includes a shot of one fish being cleansed by another fish, starlings gathering in the afternoon sky, and other crap — photographer Anne Leibovitz, who took a bunch of shitty pictures for Rolling Stone and a bunch more shitty pictures that no one cares about. Also notably absent from this list of the world’s best photographers…me. I take some incredible pictures, and I’m not even a photographer. See that shot at the top of this page? I took it. Isn’t it beautiful? It’s a god damned dead deer lying on the side of the road in Missouri. I shot it while driving 90 miles an hour down the Interstate Highway. Don’t you think it is more beautiful than a fish or a starling? Yeah, I think so, too. Anne Leibovitz has absolutely nothing on me. I can snap a picture of naked celebrities or half naked celebrities and get them placed on magazine covers too. It’s not fucking rocket science. [story]
• Oh, really, Daily Telegraph? “Girl who bleeds without being cut baffles doctors?” If you put me in a room with that girl I’d say, “What, do you got your period?” Case closed. [story]
• Score one for the taco trucks of East Los Angeles. The effort to shut down those who sell bacon-wrapped hot dogs has completely failed, as a judge recently threw out the law, calling it “unenforceable.” In other news, apparently the main complaint of those who wanted the law passed was that taco trucks were taking business away from their more reputable eateries, and causing “noise disturbances” each night when the trucks parked in the same spots. What-the-fuck-ever, restaurateurs. If you don’t want to pony up and offer bacon-wrapped hot dogs or head-meat, bean and cheese burritos, that’s your own fucking problem. It’s not our fault the $4 burritos made with weird animal body parts I’ve never even heard of taste better than your overpriced swill. You don’t love me when I’m drunk and stumbling out of a bar at 2am, you’ve already closed your doors, or your menu sucks. The immigrants who run the taco trucks and bacon-wrapped hot dog stands love me. They love me more than you’ll ever love me, and I’ll keep giving them my hard-earned money because of it. Get with the program, assholes. [story]
• A new CNN/CareerBuilder article offers advice on “how to find a job during a recession.” Their answer? “Move forward with force” (whatever that means) and “dig deeper.” In other words, it’s the exact same thing as trying to find a job when the economy is strong. I guess that means in my case it’s still going to be impossible to find a job. I couldn’t get a good job if America’s economy suddenly took off into some new stratosphere of amazing richness. I’d still have to work in retail, even with my college degree and years of related experience. Dig deeper. Yeah, okay. Dig deeper in my ass. For a turd! Which is what this article is! [story]
• “Besides sex — other reasons men cheat,” is a new article written by someone at Oprah.com and syndicated on CNN’s website. Apparently men cheat for reasons other than sex. Who knew! I surely didn’t. But I’m not going to read the article because I don’t believe it. Men cheat when women stop giving up the pussy. Plain and simple. No Harvard studies necessary. Just good old fashioned sound logic. [story]
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