You know, I don’t blog every day because it’s good for my health. But…maybe it is good for my health! According to a recently-published BBC News story, “for middle-aged and older people at least, using the Internet helps boost brain power.” Research suggests it, people. That means it has to be true, right? Otherwise, the research would probably imply that too much time spent on one’s computer is detrimental to their health. I’m not surprised, either. I like to think using the Internet takes at least as much brain power as a crossword puzzle does, and crossword puzzles have long been believed to help improve brain activity as a person ages. Take a deep breath. Promise to read my page every day, and through the power of…um…Internetting…I will help you live longer and maintain high brain activity levels! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to thinking about next week’s top ten list: the ten best places I’ve ever put my penis. [story]
Ever wonder what outer space smells like? Scientists say that it smells like fried steak and hot metal. So there you have it.[story]
CNN and CareerBuilder.com have gone metaphysical. Or would you just call it astrological? Either way, the dynamic journalistic duo — who are responsible for a series of apparently newsworthy articles related to the job market — have once again pulled off a dumb not news story. In this week’s installment, someone named Rachel Zupek (even her names sounds straight-out-of Star Trek) tells you “What your zodiac sign says about your career”. The answer, of course, is vagaries and truisms. I know that I am reliable, practical and honest, and that I work well in teams. So does everybody, sometimes, unless they don’t. I also know that I like jobs that deal with artistic or extravagant things, because who in their right mind would like a job that dealt with unartistic or boring things? Nobody! Apparently I’m fit for jobs in finance, accounting and interior design. But considering I didn’t major in business and I’m definitely not a homosexual, I guess I’ll have to settle for some other job. Oh, wait, “nursing, engineering, law, marketing, public relations, and higher education also fit the bill for jobs attuned to Taureans.” In other words, any job in any field. These articles are monumentally dumb. [story]
And here’s an interesting article from WIRED magazine that details eight futuristic musical instruments. The holophoner was not highlighted, though I didn’t actually read the article so maybe they mentioned it in passing? I mean, that’s the futuristic instrument chicks dig the most in Futurama, so isn’t that, like, evidence enough that it deserves to be profiled in WIRED magazine? How good was the last episode, “The Devil’s Hands Are Idle Playthings”, where Fry becomes an expert holophoner because he trades hands with the robot devil? Oooh! Or the episode where Fry gets internal parasites and they help him woo Lela, a process which includes a private holophoner performance!? Dude, the holophoner is totally the instrument of the future. Get with the program, WIRED. [story]
A mutant fish with a taste for human blood? Sounds like an incredible made-for-TV movie, to be airing on Lifetime next year. You guys I’ll get started on the teleplay. [story]
John Francis Bongiovi Jr., the worst thing to ever come from New Jersey, is being sued for $400 billion dollars by some guy who claims he ripped off song lyrics. It’s an absurd claim for a ridiculous sum that will never see the light of a fancy courthouse, or even a stinking bathroom inside a courthouse, but I think it’s funny that Bon Jovi sucks such dick he’s stealing lyrics from a nobody chump from an unknown band. Is he the worst musician ever? He just might be. [story]
A Chinese restaurant is keeping twenty carp in a urinal trough located in the mens’ bathroom. Sounds awesome. I’ve never pissed on a fish before (though I have pissed in at least one lake, river, stream and ocean…so I guess technically it’s the same?), but I would totally fly to China if it meant I could visit that eatery and unleash my bladder on some unsuspecting fish. It’d be just like pissing on a really small, scaly, fish-faced girl, which by the way is another goal I want to accomplish someday before I die. [story]
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